A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

marriage is all about creation of new family - even if kids won’t be a product of that. It is a family event. Dear god when did that change for this hedonism at the expense of your guests ? I’m not a prude, or someone who thinks drunk parties are an abomination, but there is a time for those and a time for a wedding, which is not one of same thing.

Nah. When my partner and I marry next year it is about us as a couple and not a new family. Neither of us are family minded and barely bother with our birth ones. His adult kids won't come. My siblings won't come. We don't like being around young kids and find them irritating so not inviting any.
Our wedding. Our party. Luckily all our friends are of a similar mindset so we're not expecting any tantrums from parents who can't bear for their little darlings not to be able to "express themselves" on the dance floor (ie get in the way and be a bloody nuisance).
Drunken hedonism is most welcome instead

She included outfits in that though. You don't have to buy a new outfit for every wedding/special event.

I'd use this response.

It is a pity but not a lot else you can do in reality.

This is an excellent post. There's an admirable lack of the more angsty attitudes surrounding both the issuing of and responses to a wedding invitation.

Inviting, accepting or declining invitations really isn't the big demon it's sometimes made out to be, nor are the terms on which people invite or decline intended as some kind of personal affront.

This is the gold standard response. Kudos, @WombatChocolate ⭐

If the children aren’t invited to the dinner, when are they expected to eat?

At dinner time, like they do every other day? They're 4 and 8, they'd hardly be leaving without a responsible grownup who can find them some food.

I don’t think you were wrong to assume that the kids would be invited too, OP! In fact they are but being booted out early at 5pm, while everyone sits down to enjoy the main event!

As this was also discussed at length on the cousin’s WhatsApp group and family events have always included all of the children, the 5pm curfew really should have been discussed too!

I’d politely decline.

This.

but it will just be yourself for the meal as DH will need to be with the children

Bit sad that!!

Not really as all her family will be there.

Some of the suggested responses are terrible. There is no need to explain why you can’t attend and suggesting the bride & groom will read the childcare tales of woe and recant is absurd. They’ll just mark the response on a list and move on.

I’ve never forgiven her for it and in the midst of planning our wedding in the caribean all of his family have categorically told us they won’t be coming anyway and I mean all of them for varying reasons , I didn’t need to make him see what little they care about him after he was put in that position as they’ve shown themselves up by having this attitude from the off with our wedding

I imagine it is variations of the same reason....they think you are batshit, selfish, entitled and annoying.

I would politely decline and wish them a lovely day

They're all grown up now, so hardly "little darlings".

Why do you hate children so much?

When we got married we invited loads of children. The more, the merrier. It was a lovely family time.

I agree with this so much. Anyone whose wedding I have attended has been keen to make sure that their guests are just as happy as they are. Sometimes, understandably, there have been restrictions due to budget, but not because someone (usually a child) will somehow spoil the ambience. What a crock. I do think, though, that we generally have a different (better) attitude around weddings in Ireland.

Why is it sad? OP would be with her family who she's clearly looking forward to seeing, and the DH would have made a conscious choice to go and not just stay home with the kids.

Staying home would be easiest but if they're looking forward to seeing everyone then it's not the end of the world.

Not really as all her family will be there

Depends on dynamics though. I went to one family wedding alone. Wouldn't do that again. I grew up in a different country to my wider family and now live in another different country. I get on fine with my uncles and aunts/cousins but I was sat at a table with mostly people I didn't know (friends of the couple), the one I did know I'd last spent meaningful time with as a child. The fact that the OP lives 5 hours away might mean similar dynamics because with the best will in the world, its easier to sustain close relationships if you live close by.

A wedding I may look forward to attending as a couple or a family is not necessarily one I'd look forward to on my own.

You have no idea of why this poster barely bothers with her family, it could be any number of reasons. I find it very odd that you’re wondering why some random person on the internet’s closest relatives won’t come to her wedding. Unless of course you’re making that comment to be nasty?

The weddings with the loveliest atmospheres I’ve been to have both been childfree - small groups of adults, registry office then a pub for food and drinks and to hear a band. Just cosy and intimate vibes.

The most extravagent and dare I say showy and cold ones have been the ones where kids are invited and their parents are battling to get them in their fancy outfits into the wedding pics and/or just trying to get loads of styled shots for their own social media. There will be so many guests and maybe 1/3 arr kids so the vibe is like that yuppie couple throwing a super wealthy kids party scene in s3 of You.

I know on MN the childfree weddings are the cold shallow expensive insta ones whereas the ones with kids are the proper heartwarming “cheap and cheerful village hall kids doing knee slides” thing, but I have to say that I’ve found the opposite to be true.

I agree couples are keen their guests enjoy the day, but I've never actually been to an Irish wedding where cousins children were invited.
Families tend to be a bit bigger and it's usually only nieces and nephews of the bride and groom who attend as children in my experience.

You can't ban anybody from a church service though.

I do think that responsible parents should take noisy children out for the duration they're noisy, but some people are selfish.

So everyone with children only has one partner at the meal while the other one goes off to the nearest place where they can get a dinner for the children.

When we got married one half of the family (my side) had to travel. Numbers wise we couldn't have all the kids at the ceremony, because of the size of the room. But we let people choose if they wanted to do that bit, and the kids were very welcome at the rest of the wedding. It ended up that one partner of a cousin, who was fairly new so didn't know us well, but because of living near my family did know them well, took all the kids during the ceremony then joined after for food and then the evening do.

Because we don't want them there 🤣. The only ones I'm interested in are my dad and eldest sister, who are coming.
My partner isn't close to most members of his family, just his parents and sibling so they may come, but may not as his parents are elderly and his sister lives in Canada.
His kids don't approve of me so won't come because of that.

Some of us just aren't into the whole family thing.

No. That poster went on to say she and her fiance hated children so there are plenty of reasons why their family don't like them.