A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

That's really lovely, but surely you can understand that not everyone thinks they help make the evening?

@RampantIvy absolutely. Every family is different. If we invited our cousin’s children we’d need three hotels as there’s literally over 100 of them 😂 we have 12 nieces and nephews between us, all under 8, and the thoughts of even having them there is already eating me up with anxiety, even though I love them all dearly.

Or the ones who fucked off (in other words, eloped ...) 😁

How many aunts and uncles do you have @Clara202? My dad was one of three and my auntie was one of two, all born by 1930.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose i always think of that video that was doing the rounds online a few years ago when the little boy ran and jumped onto the bride’s train as she was walking up the aisle! Some find that cute/hilarious, but my first thought was ‘why wasn’t anyone holding his hand?!’

Reading this thread is quite eye opening in regards to how most of the guests will only be concerned about their own situations, and not what the day would mean to me and my partner.

Weddings can be expensive to attend, can mean taking annual leave, and may come with childcare logistics to sort. I have no issue with childfree weddings but it's not surprising that sorting out the arrangements for that will be a main concern for guests who have young children.
Also, guests are just that - guests. Their comfort/convenience should matter. Not to the point of inviting children when you don't want to, but maybe to the point of not being dismissive of the effort it might take for them to attend your wedding.

Well said.

@RampantIvy my dad is the second youngest of 12, and my mom is the youngest of 10, all born by 1959.

Do most people have an opinion either way? I wouldn't find a small child on the dance floor cute, but nor would I think it particularly awful. I doubt I'd really give them a second glance.
(Which isn't to say that therefore I think they must be invited, but if they are invited I doubt the rest of the guests will be looking on in horror)

Wow. That's pretty unusual. However, you are lucky to have so many relatives. There aren't many of us left.

I very much doubt the couple in question are expecting anybody to move mountains to attend. People seem to be vastly overestimating how bothered the couple will be to receive declines.

@RampantIvy we’re Irish, it’s pretty common here and as my parents were amongst the youngest in the brood, I have aunts and uncles who are very elderly or passed on. However I have many many cousins, and many many many children of cousins! And that’s just my own family, my fiancé’s mom is one of 8, his dad has a ‘small’ family in comparison, by being one of 5!

Few options:

1. Still go, for 3 days it's an opportunity to see all of your family. As previously suggested, you could go to the adults only dinner yourself, while your husband takes the kids to a local attraction such as a trampoline park or soft play or swimming or whatever so they don't feel like they're missing out.

2. Only you go to the whole wedding, while your husband and kids stay at home. This would be much cheaper as it would only be a one night stay for one person.

3. Politely decline. "Dear cousin, sadly we can't come due to childcare issues. I hope you have a fantastic day, wishing you all the best and hope to see you another time soon x"

It sounds like you'd really like to go to the wedding to see your family. I had a similar even when my son was little and we had a babysitter come to the hotel to look after a few cousins kids together, so the kids got to play together, we got pizza sent up to the room.

You could do similar - means that you and others can drop up to see the kids, and they're having fun as it's a sleepover with cousins. Just carry the sleeping kids back to their parents rooms when you call it a night.

Absolutely. We did the same. Our budget was strict, didn't have parental help. I wanted to spend the money on people I know and care about, not children who are pretty much strangers.
I love dancing and chose fantastic music - I did not want a kids' party!
A few people declined, but that's their choice.
My best friend drove 4 hours, she found childcare.

Sorry OP, I really didn't mean to imply you'd behave badly.
You did ask for advice on how to phrase your reply and some (a lot!) of the suggestions on how to do so are a bit mad in my opinion and quite rude. Some posters do seem to bear ill-will towards the couple on your behalf and the replys reflect this.
My intention in posting was simply to urge you to not to listen to them, but I no doubt expressed myself badly if you thought otherwise and I'm sorry about that.

Or they don’t have to suck it up and they don’t have to go? Bride/groom can do exactly as they please, but they can’t expect everyone to comply.

No problems whatsoever if people want to have 'the day they want'.

As long as they remember that the same is true in reverse for their would-be guests. If 'the day they want' is costly to others in terms of time, money and inconvenience - whether this involves children or not - then invited guests are perfectly at liberty to decline.

Problems only arise when refusing invitations leads to arguments, histrionics, 'expectations' that would-be guests will do as they're told and attend regardless of the cost to them, and in the more extreme scenarios, fullscale family rifts.

They are just weddings. They really don't merit this amount of angst.

said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception

So can you compromise here. If you all go to the ceremony and reception as a family and then bow out after that and see your Dad that evening with your DD's. Two stones - one big family trip.

Well the bottom line is that people are different, like different things and have different priorities. As has been quite correctly pointed out here several times, children are not really the centre of the universe to anyone except their parents/immediate family. But equally, weddings aren't the centre of the universe to anyone except the couple and possibly their immediate family. To most guests they vary between a really nice day out and a rather tedious social obligation.
The bride and groom can plan their wedding any way they see fit and the guests don't get to demand that the arrangements are made to suit them.However, the couple also don't get to demand how much inconvenience and expense the guests should go to order to to attend. If you make arrangements difficult and inconvenient for guests at any event then at least some of them will decline and if you are a guest with very specific needs/wants and can't/won't compromise there will be events you can't attend. It's just the way things are and if everyone accepted that there would be a lot less angst over these things. You can't please all of the people all of the time.

I wouldn’t go. I think it makes things unnecessarily complicated to say no kids after 5pm. What are they expecting you to do with them? Also if they aren’t invited to dinner how are they going to eat?

I’ve just read all of OP’s posts.

£1300 is a lot of money and OP says she isn’t committed to the vast majority of it at this stage. So, if I was her, (unless absolutely loaded and not missing £1.3k) I would probably politely pull-out at this stage or look to go alone.

It might be possible to simply pull out without saying why. To be honest, although the Groom’s choice about a no-kids meal is the reason, I would probably avoid mentioning that reason if possible. It’s their choice and I’d be keen not to mention something that makes them feel awkward ir bad - it seems the gracious thing to do. If necessary to say why,I’d say something like

’Thanks for the beautiful wedding invitation. We would have loved to be with you and are sure you’ll have an amazing day. We had hoped to come but have decided that the journey and costs are just too much for us, given we’d all need to leave at 5pm with the children. We totally understand you’ve chosen the wedding that works for you and hope you have a wonderful time and look forward to seeing the pics and hearing all about it’

This is honest, doesn’t blame them and wishes them well. Too many people will want to decline making a snarky comment to criticise the wedding couples choice. Best avoided. Be gracious. They can issue any invitation they wish. You are feee to accept or decline.

The alternative could be to go alone.

The one take away from this thread that genuinely alarms me is how much people seem to dislike their/their family’s children. Maybe if you’d learn to actually look after and discipline your own children instead of allowing them to run wild and bother other people you wouldn’t find them so annoying..!

The good thing is OP hasn’t committed to the £1.3k yet. The hotel is payable on arrival and gifts and clothes not bought yet. Phew!

This woukd be much more galling if all the money was committed already. But as Op says, she had made some assumptions and it just shows it’s best to assume nothing and check details where kids and weddings are invovled….or actually adults too if you’re about to commit to a large spend!