A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

You sound tedious, I’d be surprised your ‘famalam’ are invited to many other events after that email. I’d have justified that with a 👏👍🏻 and that would have been the end of the conversation and most likely and relationship I had with you.

I think whatever the issue you should always try and act like an adult over it. Posting goady photos on social media isn't a good idea.

To be honest this sounds all like 'you' problems, nothing you have said sounds like your family being out of order. Your birthday is not really that important, the only thing I would say is that if you had already booked a holiday abroad or something that couldn't be changed then fair enough, my close family would always check with parents and siblings before booking their wedding as obviously we'd want each other there.

Only leaving your little one with just one person is unusual, I wouldn't assume just because I'd invited someone's parents that meant they couldn't get any other sitter at all.

ive not said that … you’ve read what I’ve said and taken it to the point … there’s always a backstory to every family which if I put down you’d end up reading all day which none of do … just a bit of empathy and understanding for the poster which by the sounds of your comment to me you’d also disagree with what’s she’s said …

she had already said that she wouldn’t be attending our wedding in the caribean as his family knew that would be where ours was , however knew full well that we were the only ones able to not come yet made a point of her brother needing to be there … bit of a tall order to expect of someone when you don’t have the respect to reciprocate the effort your brother has gone to to make it to yours, I’ll also add I was signed off work sick as needing/awaiting surgery so 6 days is a long time to leave your partner and young little one in the situation as a whole .

Not quite sure why people feel need to reply to anyone other than the person who has posted for opinions and advice but hey if it makes you feel better go for it 👍

😂 This poster is definitely the the family member you only invite out of obligation and then breathe a sigh of relief when they decline.

OP, you know you’re not going to go now so wish your cousin a lovely day and plan for something else to do with your family on that date.

The child free part later on sounds a bit nuts - like they want the kids in pictures but nothing else- so I’d not have a problem saying you can’t make it owing to lack of childcare.

Think of the money you will save too!

If the OP can find someone to stay with so she doesn't have to spend 700 pounds on a hotel for herself, this could be a workable solution.

If there isn't any family for OP to stay with, she may not want to spend 700 pounds. They can always go see the rest of the family as a whole until another time when there aren't other occasions happening the same weekend.

OP--if you do end up RSVPing "No", please be kind and not make the B&G feel guilty by giving a reason. Just decline with love and wish them a fabulous day, and you will look forward to pictures/videos.

As I’ve commented below to someone else …

Theres always a backstory !

unusual ? Again a backstory , not that I need to justify or should have to justify myself to an online person but when you’ve experienced child loss and a very poorly baby from birth maybe then you’d understand the anxiety and trauma that puts you into that situation as to why you wouldn't leave your little one with anyone but the one person outside of your partner that you trust implicitly !

Why are people saying they must only want the children for the photos? Is that a thing? Really wanting your wedding photos to have children in?

Totally right ! Much the same how I feel about the person who invited us , the most boring plain Jane couple around who would likely have someone playing a piano whilst sipping tea with pinky’s out for their evening do 🤣😃

She already said in a later post that there were reasons she would not go into but that her father was not a possible choice for childcare.

We are not entitled to expect her to tell us those reasons. She said it's not possible, so it isn't possible.

@Marynotsocontrary Sorry just catching up on some of the messages but I’m not sure where you get the idea I would do anything other than politely decline if we decide we aren’t going? I never said I would send a passive aggressive reply citing miscommunication etc. That’s not my style at all. I’d keep it neutral and cheery and wish them well: because I genuinely do wish them well, and as I’ve said repeatedly I bear absolutely no ill will to the couple. It was my misunderstanding.

And for those who keep chirping in about how kids are annoying, other people don’t like others children and how parents basically wear rose tinted glasses about how amazing their little ones are etc, are those comments necessary to my question about do we actually go or not? I’m afraid not, just seems bitchy.

Why not just tell them the reason? They will wonder at a late decline, so may as well be up-front.
I had a cousin invite me without the baby when he was a few months old, so I just explained I couldn't come as I wouldn't leave him. Of course she's now been traipsing her baby through funerals and other weddings since, though it's doubtful that she thought back!

Too many posters haven't bothered reading updates or are projecting @TemporaryName123.

I think it’s simply a response to the extraordinarily rude responses some people are suggesting you provide.

For all the comments about children being wonderful at weddings, there are also a great number about how horrible anyone is not to invite children to weddings. They also aren’t really pertinent to your question

Can only assume that was satire @lauram31 !

More than definitely bitchy , but then people hide behind their keyboards on here so say what they want.

i really do question some of the comments on here and why some of these people actually have children if they have that perspective that children are annoying and hard work etc

I live for my children and love them so much and am so so lucky they are here with me and find it quite upsetting that other mums view children in this way …

sometimes it’s nice for other mums to empathise with your situation and purely advise or give an opinion instead of pulling you down to make you feel the worst human !

What late decline? The invitation is yet to arrive in the post.

I tend to agree with @sprigatito . Not a great way to treat your guests. Getting your children to leave at 5pm for what will effectively be an early bath and bed routine in a hotel situation will also be a bit rubbish for your whole family .

That's fine but you can't think that everyone else should revolve around you. We were invited to a child free wedding with DS was really young, very close friends but they had no kids and wanted adults only, DS was about 2 months and had been really unwell at birth and had been in ICU so I wasn't ready to leave him overnight (it was quite a distance away). We just said no but I didn't take it as them showing their true colours making it 'impossible' for us to go. Hopefully they understood why we didn't go, but tough if not really.

I think that's horrible. The children won't get dinner or buffet food. They just have to sit in the hotel room for hours?! That's impractical and mean. I wouldn't go at all.

@Justfinking - if you read my follow-up posts I think I’ve explained exactly what I meant. Not judging anyone!

I’ve just read all your updates OP . Not even invited to dinner! So you are expected, as guests to somehow manage dinner as well as bath and bed / hide your children away from 5pm 500 miles from home ?

The children will have been expected to stay quiet and not interact with their extended family during the ceremony then get a brief chance of a meet up with family after before being whisked away from everyone. My children would have been very disappointed with such a set up and if you do stsy for dinner then clearly your husband won’t be with you .

I think this is very short notice to send actual invites with this crucial but if info, if you’re required to travel so far etc. I wouldn’t sugar coat it. Just that you’re not comfortable excluding your children for the evening. And you’ve saved £1300 and a long drive. Win-win

Leave at 5, with the kids or don't go at all.