A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

What do you suggest the OP does with her children at the meal, when there isn’t a seat for them? Tell them to just go and sit in the b&g’s seats at the top table??

Those who think that this would be a good idea (putting the bride and groom in this situation), are the ones who are selfish and thoughtless. However, it would solve the issue moving forward. I doubt the OP and her family would ever be invited to a family wedding again, after showing such appalling and ignorant behaviour!

I wonder whether they have other guests staying at the venue with their dc and have saved money because of this. Perhaps this is why the no kids after 5pm has only just been mentioned in the hope that they still come and the B&G aren't left with a bill. If this is the case expect the B&G to get very stroppy if people decide not to go.

As I see it, you have only two possibilities here :

1. Only you and your husband go to the wedding whilst the girls stay behind with your in-laws (if there are in-laws that your girls would be comfortable with).
2. You regretfully decline

I do wonder what your cousin and his bride are thinking! If they expect your children to disappear at 5pm, where do they think they'll go? Into a drawer?The children will need to eat, be put to bed etc.

Personally I would regret that Mr & Mrs Myself will be unable to attend on your special day. (I don't think I'd even include a reason, it's not hard for them to work it out.)

Yes! This!
For the love of God OP, if you're declining the invitation simply do that, decline, and wish them every happiness.

Don't go on about...misunderstandings....
or what you didn't realise....or childcare issues now etc.
Because that's basically criticising the bride and groom's arrangements and communication.

You can think it if you like, but please don't be bad-mannered enough to say it or even hint at it. The number of people suggesting you do otherwise is bewildering to me. This one day is supposed to be about your cousin and his bride after all.

Just decline graciously if you must (I'd go!) and wish them well.

No chance would I go and fork out that amount of money for anyone's wedding, it's unreasonable and ridiculous.

If it's a wedding you would like to be at, would enjoy attending with other adult members of your family and can get there by train/coach, go alone and leave your DH and DDs at home. I know you said you wouldn't let your dad babysit but would he be able to put you up for a couple of nights to keep costs down?

If that sort of arrangement won't work, RSVP to say you and yours are unable to attend. No need to give a reason.

If you really want to go to the wedding & see your family, I’d go but say you will be leaving at 5pm with the kids, I’d then make the most of the evening, take the kids somewhere special for dinner, maybe meet your DF and then your DCs can spend time with him too.

My last family wedding was child free, I hated it, I won’t be going to any more.

When growing up, family weddings were actually family affairs, but kids were never invited to the evening part. Back then though the older kids (12 & up) would babysit the younger ones at a relatives house so we tended to have just as much fun having adult free sleepovers.

Well said, @Marynotsocontrary

You say that you are one of the few travelling.
I would still go but be flexible about what your children do.
Brain storming ...
You are close to your cousin so speak on the phone directly and ask her whether there would be a room at the venue where parents with children could feed their kids order in pizza and have a babysitter there with parents nearby.

Is the number of children needing minding small?

Ask another family with kids who live nearby to have your children go to their house with their babysitter after all attend the wedding? This could be fun for all little cousins.

Get together with other cousins and arrange a kids function at a child friendly restaurant to solve all your baby sitting.

Speaking with your cousin will give you insight into how many others are in your situation.

You will regret not going.

What a shame about childless weddings, really.

I know that it is expensive to feed children at posh weddings, but I do love to see the children playing and it is a great way for the extended family to stay close.

Stop with the romanticised views of children and weddings.
Teens are still children but are more likely to be found a corner on a screen than 'playing' on the dance floor.

Ops kids are young, we have no idea the ages of other cousins kids on either the Grooms or Brides side.

If extended families want to stay close it would be much better to have an nonspecific event that the whole family chip in for rather that it being at the expense of one couple.

Dad comes and babysits for a few hours with a film etc. one of you goes up at 9pm /10pm and stays. I’m strict with my children’s bedtimes- at a wedding I took mine upstairs for bed after dinner and stayed as it was my husbands friends not mine. Ok wasn’t great( actually it was I got a fantastic might sleep)

I have to say I personally hate seeing children at weddings! Not because I don’t like children, but because weddings are situations where there’s a lot of ‘best behaviour’ needed which is unrealistic for a child under a certain age, there’s adults drinking too much etc etc. Yes the kids look cute all dressed up and dancing but as someone else has mentioned this is a romanticised view of it. I’ve been to loads of weddings recently and any wedding with children all I’ve seen is kids crying because they’re tired, going missing multiple times throughout the day, fighting each other, running around unattended etc. At one wedding the cake almost had a near miss because of three kids having a race, and their parents didn’t even notice! They often just add stress to the day and I can’t see how parents would even want to bring them and not take a well deserved day off.
You are not unreasonable to refuse to go if logistics don’t work out, that’s totally understandable, but you would be unreasonable to tell the B&G that the reason you’re not going is because your kids aren’t invited, unless they specifically ask you. All or nothing, dont go at all, or go and leave the kids at home completely. Bringing them to leave at 5pm sounds really awkward.

same situation apart from we’ve been told in advance , cousins wedding in England 2.5 hours away and invited no kids all day ( they have a 9m old btw ) , all family at the wedding as would be and don't leave our little one with anyone but my parents do no childcare whatsoever therefore can only assume they really don’t care that we are there or not as know they’ve made it imposibble for us to come , oh wedding also booked the day after mine , mums and sister birthday ( all born the same day ) invite came by email I left it 15 minutes and replied …. Thanks for the invite unfortunately unable to make it as with it being my birthday the day before your wedding we have a weekend away booked as usual with the children for a FAMILY (yes I capitol lettered that bit) break away which I wouldn’t want to cancel .
have a great day!

FYI if this were me in your situation I’d just cancel everything and not say a word , they feel it’s ok to leave it last minute to put you in this position and financially deficit with not a care to the impact on you and your family then I would put the shoe on the other foot and feel it ok to leave them paying for my family’s previous acceptance of being there 🤣

the whole no kids at weddings is a d*ish move and I’m assuming they don’t have children themselves personally I think children absolutely make a wedding !

my SIL did the s***t thing on us and last year arranged her wedding abroad the weekend of my birthday and knew we couldn’t come due to eldest starting GCSEs ( her previous wedding was cancelled during covid and already lost £700 in various costs with airline etc so wasn’t about to start doing it again)
I did the humble thing told the other half to go even though my birthday and he was leaving his family behind ( what a position for your sister to out you in aye ) he did and left me and the kids home we went to centre parks for the weekend with my family to celebrate my birthday , him in Cyprus both kids ended up really poorly in hospital what a nightmare it was . I’ve never forgiven her for it and in the midst of planning our wedding in the caribean all of his family have categorically told us they won’t be coming anyway and I mean all of them for varying reasons , I didn’t need to make him see what little they care about him after he was put in that position as they’ve shown themselves up by having this attitude from the off with our wedding … FYI my youngest wasn’t asked to be anything to do with her wedding and my eldest is not biologically his but he has parented him for 7 years and treats him as his own ( sons biological dad not involved ) .

Family really show their true colours sometimes !

bin them off and book a nice lodge etc with your little family and pop some nice pictures on the old social media the day of their wedding 🤣🤣😀😃

Agree, @Clara202

They never are as cute or endearing as their parents think they are.

I think this B&G as many others are not exactly going to be heartbroken when childed families decline the invitation. Kids at weddings are tedious and intrusive.

Parents would do well to understand the difference between sincere invitations and courtesy invitations.

I didn’t say that. I was replying to someone else’s comment.

Get yourself invited to Asian weddings. You can bring a whole entourage with you! Including children not your own.

I wouldn't be going - tell them that you didn't realise the children weren't invited to the whole event, so you are no longer able to attend

They should have told you this much, much earlier

Just ask your cousin what other people are doing with their kids at 5pm. You’ll not be the only one with this dilemma - some weddings Bride and groom set up several babysitters in another of the hotels function room and entertain and feed all the children of guests

I would just say that this is the first you were made aware regarding the no children after 5 rule and unfortunately it means it is too difficult for you to attend. They really should have said this when sending out save the dates, poor organisation on their part.

I have kids and was about to side with the bride as it’s their decision and sometimes nice to have kid free, however that’s ridiculous! How does she think you are going to look after the kids after 5pm…you can’t just send them off home. Unless it’s someone you are really close to I’d be tempted not to go and save the money. Or could you go alone and leave DH at home
with the kids?

Why is it the bride’s problem? She isn’t related to the OP and yet is meant to organise her wedding around some children who live 5 hours away - has she ever even met them?

The bride and groom have issued an invitation and OP can accept or decline the invitation. Hopefully considerably less rudely than lauram31* *did.

You don't honestly think your family should plan their weddings around your birthday and availability?!

Being annoyed that someone has planned a wedding on or near your birthday is bonkers - it wouldn't bother me. And being annoyed that family won't travel to a destination wedding in the Caribbean is unreasonable.

bin them off and book a nice lodge etc with your little family and pop some nice pictures on the old social media the day of their wedding

You don’t seriously think the bride and groom would care - do you?