A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

Politely decline and use the money for a fun weekend at centre parks or similar as a treat for the children?

Oh for heaven's sake.

Unless you're as rich as admittedly lots of people on here seem to be, people do not have unlimited budgets. For every child invited, that's a friend who can't be. Why is it okay to devalue friendship to the extent of prioritising children who the couple may barely know?

You can absolutely live and adore your children but also recognise that most other people will be indifferent at best about children other than their own.

wedding ceremony (kids allowed) reception (drinks/canapés ( kidsallowed)*
dinner (no kids)
evening do (no kids)

What will happen at 4pm is parents getting their children ready to leave - they will need to feed them and drop them off to return to the party - if they bother - the momentum will be lost.
Or half the guests will leave - 1 parent will take the children home.
changes dynamic.

Ot some parents will go to their room or out for a pub meal with the kids - and not bother coming back. They will have to source and feed the children elsewhere anyway. Who sends kids to babysitters hungry? Who has to lay off the wine so they can drive the kids back?

Theres no pied pipper to whist the little ones off to be looked after.

Too complicated. Wish them well and book to see them after the wedding.

The OP won't be on her own, her family will be there.

You'd have hoped that in the 21st century the pernicious old idea of women not being able to exist without a partner or kids would have died out somewhat.

I don’t know what they think they are meant to do with the children at 5pm, it’s bizarre.
If it was local it would be okay and you could all go to the day bit, say hello, leave and all get dinner together or drop them at a friends. But when you are travelling a massive distance and spending so much money you expect more.

We’re also 5 hours from DHs hometown. Because all of her cousins are a few years older and adults the family are now organising things where children aren’t invited, so she’s excluded. I also don’t have childcare when i am there (she’s also ASD and doesn’t want to be left with strangers) so we don’t go or DH goes alone to everything. Then we get grief for that.

I live for my children and love them so much and am so so lucky they are here with me and find it quite upsetting that other mums view children in this way

Other mums do view their children as you do. But they have the cop on to realise that their random cousins may not.

Agreed. Currently thinking about (not quite planning yet) my wedding and I have a similar family to OP, it seems. I love most of my 30+ cousins and would love to invite all of them plus their kids, but it’s just not feasible.
Reading this thread is quite eye opening in regards to how most of the guests will only be concerned about their own situations, and not what the day would mean to me and my partner.
Elopement is back on the cards.

OP, I had a child free wedding. The whole thing though. The reason we did it was on so many social occasions our female friends missed half the evening because they were sorting issues with their small children while their male partners got to sit having a great time 🙄.

One couple didn’t come. One friend left after the reception to relieve the babysitter but her husband stayed. One man didn’t come as the babysitter fell through but his partner came (from 300 miles away). She, and others, thanked us for having it child free as they enjoyed having the chance to let their hair down. It was definitely a different evening celebration to if we’d had kids there. We had no issue with any of those who chose not to come. Their choice, the same as no kids was ours. Don’t feel guilty about declining if that’s what you choose to do.

@lauram31 How is it your SIL’s fault that your kids got ill when your DH was away? Presumably she didn’t make them ill and the timing is just one of those things.

You sound like a right madam - why does everything in your family have to revolve around you and your birthdays?!

The problem is that people don't have unlimited budgets.

Nope. At the child-welcome weddings I’ve been to, it’s always been the parents trying to push their kids into official photos and/or trying to get others to make a fuss of them in their little outfits.

The reason kids get invited to the wedding and reception is because that enables their parents to see the ceremony and it doesn’t cost. Not because the B&G are desperate to have a horde of random young kids in their wedding album.

That’s interesting - what you’re outlining is my understanding of what you are required/expected to do if children are invited. A separate space or room, sitters (you need a number of these depending on ages of children), games, special children’s meals and an entertainer are all fairly standard. I think this is designed to allow the parents to talk to other adults in the wedding party. We costed-up when planning our own wedding and it came to over 5k - so we decided we would proceed without kids. I lost track of the number of thank yous we received on the day, mostly from tired parents who’d been granted a babysitter on the basis of our invite.

Still missing the point and if you’ve not understood now I would say your level of understanding is not there to understand the actual situation …. Anyway this is not about me I simply responded to the original poster , so why are you feeling the need to sit behind your phone to be pure data to someone you don’t even know ? Have you nothing better to do on a Saturday .

Sadly many couples want a glamorous high-end wedding that they can only afford with a very restricted guest list

Why ‘sadly’? If people want a glamorous high end wedding with a handful of close friends only, why shouldn’t they? You crack on with your big kids party in the village hall in Hobbiton if you like, but stop with the bosom hoiking at other people doing things their way.

I’ve been to all sorts of different weddings. Enjoyed all of them. There’s no one size fits all.

Is the wedding taking place in the same hotel? If so, can't one of you take the kids upstairs and then return a few hours later when they're asleep with a baby monitor in their pocket? 4 yr old will likely be knackered anyway and 8 yr old probably happy watching a movie on a tablet until his/her own bedtime!

Appreciate this is only possible if you're staying in the same venue as the wedding. Haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has already been suggested.

It’s an invite, not a summons for goodness sake. The outrage by some posters on here is hilarious, one suggested taking the children to the meal anyway, what planet do these cheeky fuckers live on? It’s simple, if anything about an event you’re invited to doesn’t suit you then politely decline. There’s no need for drama.

We had a child free wedding and some of the emails declining and mentioning lack of child care were cringe worthy. Everyone knew the wedding would be child free for over a year, yet here were the cheeky fuckers expecting us to change our minds and invite their children. Any responses we got mentioning childcare got a short reply. “Thank you for letting us know that you can’t attend.” No discussion was needed on the subject, we didn’t feel guilty, we didn’t miss anyone on the day and we never gave them a second thought.

Is the wedding taking place in the same hotel? If so, can't one of you take the kids upstairs and then return a few hours later when they're asleep with a baby monitor in their pocket?

Mmmm really?

The point is that children have to be catered to and paid for. The longer the event runs - the more you pay. Just a basic lesson in economics for you.

Did I specifically say it was her fault ? I really wish workless would stop imagining comments on here that are not … her fault for putting our family in the position she did and pushing her brother and making him feel guilty if he didn’t go , she made him choose to either be at her wedding and keep her happy or for him not to go and she would never forgive him , I did the right thing by him and didn’t put him in any position and told him he should go to it and kept my mouth shut about how I really felt as I have to this day , just find it disrespectful now that our wedding abroad she won’t be attending out of pure spite , does that mean my partner will be annoyed with her ? No just disappointed in the position she out him in for her wedding , brizezilla is how I would describe her !

Reading this thread is quite eye opening in regards to how most of the guests will only be concerned about their own situations, and not what the day would mean to me and my partner

Awful isn’t it? They should find a cupboard and lock the kids in so you and your groom can have all the attention all day.

Just RSVP that you won't be coming when you get the invite. You won't be the only one. They'll probably change their mind when they realise half the guests won't be coming because of the no kids rule.

Missing the point in what I said not about posters situation … as I responded to your massive interest in what I had posted ! 🤣🤣

basic lesson … yes I do indeed feel as if I’m in the school playground on this occasion with the school bully !

Or just leave the kids at home for a couple of nights with someone and enjoy a couple of days away without them.

The vast majority of guests won’t give it a second thought as it’s not relevant to them. A number with children will leave them with other people all day and have a lovely day without their children. Those who have children they can’t leave will decline. But it’s highly unlikely the last group will be half the people who have been invited.