A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

I wouldn't go OP and like
You I wouldn't leave my kids for two days with someone I wasn't comfortable with . It's only a wedding

If OP was comfortable with Childminders or nannies it would make a lot more sense ( and be much cheaper) to have one in the hotel room between 5 to say 8 or 9 than try to cobble together childcare for an entire weekend. But presumably she isn't comfortable with a stranger looking after DCs, or she would have mentioned that possibility.

It's a family wedding, I'm sure she wouldn't actually be on her own.

Honestly, I just don't understand this mentality that couples have to be joined at the hip. I'm sure that's partly why we have such a loneliness epidemic.

How are you supposed to feed your kids? And the parent that has to leave the wedding to look after them? Nah, fuck that. Weddings without children are miserable imo.

Politely decline and wish them all the best. It's a risk they decided to run making it child free in part.

Silly money really when you can't all enjoy the whole thing together.

I haven't RTFT, only the OP's posts, so sorry if this has already been mentioned.

Also, I know it's sexist but typically it's the female that makes the arrangements and typically^^ it's the female who notices the details.

I bet the male groom hasn't even put two and two together during all of the "kids playing" WhatsApp chat and it's only now, either that the Penny had dropped or the bride has mentioned it, that he's having to spell out the details.

Really he should have do so AGES ago. It's very atypical to force people to leave something part way through.

I think the mistake the B&G have made here is to not make their wedding entirely child free if they don't want children there in the evening. It would probably make it easier for guests with children to decide what to do if they knew that their children were not welcome at all. I bet the OP is not the only one who is in a quandry. The logistics might be different for those who live more locally but it will still be inconvenient I would think. I wonder if the couple did in fact intend the whole event to be child free, are now looking for middle ground when it's become clear that people were expecting to bring their children, and it's just ended up unnecessarily complicated?
I've changed my mind several times as the thread has evolved but the more I think about it, the more I think that the most sensible responses are either to just not go at all or for the OP to go alone and the children to stay at home with their father. There are of course multiple ways round the problem but most of them sound more like an endurance feat than a nice weekend away, especially for the children so I wouldn't bother.
Personally, I think it is bad manners to invite anyone of any age to a wedding ceremony and not to the sit down meal, but I'm old and I know I'm out of touch with modern wedding etiquette so maybe it's normal now. But either way, taking the children into the reception when you have been expressly told they are not invited is even ruder so if they do go, that's not a viable option.
I would send a polite "Sorry we can't make it, hope you have a lovely day" note and forget the whole thing. I wouldn't say anything about childcare and definitely wouldn't mention the WhatsApp group or moving goalposts - just decline politely. The B&G will almost certainly know that child arrangements are the issue and there's nothing to be gained from getting into a row over it. If they then want to alter things so that the OP decides to come, they'll offer - I doubt they'll need it spelling out. And if they don't, they won't, in which case, for the sake of long term family harmony it's probably best if things are left unsaid.

I would put money on this being the case, ie the groom not thinking.

It seems odd to invite people to only part of a wedding but people frequently issue evening invitations. only - aka ‘you’re not important enough to buy dinner but give us a present’ invitations. However it’s likely budget - children at the ceremony and drinks reception won’t really cost anything and it is what it is.

I wouldn't spend that on my own wedding g 🤣

I’d got for the day time bit then have a movie night/or a dance party in the hotel room with the kids it would probably be more fun.

It's not really that odd that not everybody can afford to pay for a fancy lunch for 150 people.

I think they are being unreasonable here. I would get in touch and tell them you agreed to come as a family, that if you had known the children weren't invited you wouldn't have said you could come, that they really should have said at the start it was adults only so that you could decide whether to come on that basis. Ask them what on earth do they expect you to do with a 4 and 8 year old, 5 hours from home, in a hotel when all other family is at the wedding.

Absolutely you are not unreasonable to cancel and they should understand how mean they are being.

I have perfect solution , I can't remember if you said The Reception is in The same hotel you're booked into, However : What happened to me was that I went to a family wedding and I travelled there with my daughter and young grandson. Half way through the evening the boy was sleepy so I suggested Daughter stay with him HALF HOUR in the room then I would take over alternately. It worked out fine and did not impinge on enjoyment of the evening.

Well don't invite them then. I find it very mean spirited to be invited to a wedding as an evening guest - you still have most of the expense, outfit, travel, accommodation, gift, but then basically receive nothing in return - no drink and rarely any food although sometimes you get a piece of cake or a hot dog. In my opinion you either host properly which means providing a meal of some sort plus at least one drink, or you don't invite people.

🙄

The invitations haven't even been issued yet, there is no "agreement" whatsoever. The OP assumed her kids would be included, but they are not.

Official invitations no, but it sounds as though the OP had told them she was going and 8 weeks is short notice for having no idea who is coming, so presumably there has been some communication. I think it's a fair assumption that kids are invited to a family wedding unless otherwise stated, I wouldn't assume kids invited to a non family wedding.

If in fact no communication has taken place beyond the save the date, then just decline.

So OP and husband would each attend half the meal? I don't see how that would work at all.

There's a clear divide here between people who obviously fucked off all their relatives with their own weddings - and those who were the fucked off relatives

I did exactly what the B&G did, well actually it was meant to be child-free but my side of the family kicked up a fuss so it ended up being children invited to the first half only. His family are normal and considerate so no word from them. Even though we both come from cultures where children at weddings is the norm, we wanted to do something different and didn't want 20 under 5's at my wedding of 110 people at a vineyard. Kids all left as requested and the ones with the older children (11 and 13) left with their parents, even though obviously they could've easily organised childcare. One baby stayed as the husband was working and she had no family to look after her baby which was agreed prior. A fun time was had by all, even my cousins admitted that they had a great time and that it was better without kids and it was their first time out.

If you want to make it work, you can it's really not that difficult. Now that I have a child myself, I appreciate it does require some thinking (before I was like what's the big deal), especially with meals and naps etc, but you can make it work and I'm still a fan of childfree weddings and have already been to two. Had a blast.

A 5 hour journey, 3 nights in a hotel and they won’t even feed your kids? Nah, it would be a no thank you from me!

No, the invitations have just been sent out.
People generally don't rsvp to invitations until they've received them?

Yeah, I wouldn't be going to that. Have they framed it as "no children as we want you to be able to relax and let your hair down" yet? That's my absolute favourite bit of childfree wedding bingo, trying to sell it as though it's a huge favour to you and not a logistical headache!

If they'd been clear about the expectations around children from the beginning, that would have been fair enough. But given the invitation you received I can totally understand why you made the assumption you did!

If you want to make it work, you can it's really not that difficult

Surely that's very individual. If I needed 48 hours worth of childcare I haven't a clue who I'd ask. My mil has dementia, one of dh's siblings is in another country and the other isn't in a position to help. Dh's closest Uncle and Aunt are in Austria. My closest relative who could help is a 7 hour drive away.

In a crisis, I know dh's sibling would fly in or a friend would step up but I wouldn't be comfortable asking for a wedding.

I respectfully disagree. Evening receptions still have a buffet almost all of the time, and if it's too expensive for people to go then they can just not. Not sure why you'd need a new outfit, it's not Cannes. If other friends are going to be there then it's likely to be fun, many people don't have to travel anyway and if they do there's the chance of making a weekend of it. Again, if that's hassle then the option of not going is there, it's an invitation not a summons.

It would never occur to me to find it mean spirited that someone would want me there but not be able to afford to feed me twice. Not being family or one of someone's closest friends isn't an insult.

But they didn't receive an invitation until now @FluffyDiplodocus ? They received a general 'save the date' WhatsApp message that was sent to everyone. It mentioned the date. It didn't say who was invited?