A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

Don't be so daft! They’re young so will most likely be asleep by 8 at the latest.

My kids are basically the same age as the OP's. I can't remember the last time they were asleep by 8pm. Certainly despite us going swimming on Hogmanay and then climbing a reasonably big hill behind my inlaws house, they both made it to the bells. Not to mention coped with being on a beach by 9am on the 1st.

Realistically, I imagine it's highly unlikely that they'll be asleep by 8 in a strange location/sharing a space.

Exactly. The OP has made the choice to be lavish, which is fair enough, but it isn't fair to act as though said lavishness is her cousin's fault.

So rude. Plus the venue probably places restrictions on numbers for fire safety reasons. This is exactly why the "entitled parents" trope is a thing.

They probably have, but they probably think quite reasonably that there's no reason why both members of a couple have to go, particularly if the main person they know from the couple is family and will therefore have people to talk to.

Very few people have unlimited budgets, and for every child they invite to the whole thing that's a friend they can't.

All relatives known to DC at the wedding's location will be at the wedding.

Back home it might be a different matter.
DH's parents or siblings possibly?
Their regular childminder or babysitter?
Or a combination of the above?
OP and DH might consider shortening their break to a night or two in this case.

Exactly, @Whitegull

Where are the relatives of the children's father? What about a known childminder, teacher, neighbours? Or someone from an agency; eight weeks is plenty of time to introduce the kids to a carer and even do a trial run.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Fair enough if OP doesn't want to attend without kids, but lack of childcare is a rather flimsy excuse.

Given the distance 5hrs drive you are looking at 2 nights away at least. Not everyone has someone they can leave kids with for that long.

If I was really desperate then I'd possibly look for a nanny but it's unlikely I'd be that desperate to attend a cousins wedding.

How often does the Op see her cousin, when did the cousin last see her children?

Of my 8 cousins the two I'm in closest contact with are overseas.
Couldn't tell you when I last saw any of DHs cousins.

You think they should consider asking a teacher? Even assuming you mean paid, I can just imagine the AIBU thread...

Or a carer from an agency. Let's see, they would need her about 60 hours, if they cut this wedding/family visit down to two nights, so I am sure it wouldn't cost any more than 500-600 pounds, whatever is min. wage in the UK.
Of course, the family probably would like to see the children too, so maybe you can hire the carer (after a paid trial run of course!) to come with you! Let's see, that would be about 75-80 hours. Oh, she would need her own hotel room too.

Perhaps you could get a second mortgage to pay for this "fun, family holiday/wedding"?

I also find it quite ironic that the same posters who are crying, "It's the B&G's day! They get what they want! It's their choice!" are the same posters trying to tell the family how to do their family holiday to fit into what the B&G want. It's almost as their family holiday part of it isn't important at all. This thread is actually showing rust spots from all the irony. 😆🙄

Stay the night before, go to wedding, all leave at 5pm - bundle kids into car in pjs if need be. Home before midnight.

No need to stay two nights if they want to save cash.

Well, of course they would pay. I am sure there is no shortage of young teachers out there who would like the chance to earn an extra few hundred quid.

The point is that there ARE options. It's not necessary to take the kids. If people want an opportunity to show off their offspring to extended family, they should organize and pay for one themselves, not pout because they can't do so at a childfree wedding.

It's also hard to believe that any local relatives in the area where the wedding is being held cannot recommend a babysitter to watch the kids for a few hours.

Good suggestion.

If they left home at 8am the previous day, they'd arrive in plenty of time to have a late lunch with whoever, check into hotel, do some other family-oriented social event in the evening. Next day attend wedding, wish the B&G well and head home. Job done.

I have often done five-hour drives back to back; it's really not that difficult. With two adults that is only 2.5 hours apiece.

I would ok in general with staying in the hotel room or swapping in and out with my partner but I wouldn't be happy doing that at a wedding I had spent that amount of money in attending.

I think that @TemporaryName123 has been remarkably restrained and reasonable, especially in response to some of the more bonkers posts on this thread.

The precedent within the family is that children have always been welcome to all parts of previous weddings. To ban them from 5pm onwards (which presumably is from a cost saving perspective) is tricky for her as it would mean that she attands the meal on her own as her DH would have to take the children out for something to eat.

She is not being the least bit precious @OverTheGrip. If you read all of the OP's posts you will see that she isn't.

As there won't be anyone to babysit the options are either have the DH duck out after 5pm to look after the children or to not go at all.

There is no need for elborate excuses, just "sorry we won't be able to make it".

If she gets asked why only then she can say that they have no childcare for the evening.

You're sure there's no shortage of young teachers looking for weekend nannying work? That's an interesting and optimistic assumption.

As I said, the AIBU thread if they started asking around for a teacher to do it would be a sight to behold. I've no particular comment on the rest, but the idea of people asking their kids teachers to do a bit of weekend nannying is, well, a potentially highly entertaining one.

The "precedent" for weddings is irrelevant. The same people who hosted past weddings aren't involved with or hosting this one. The B&G are free to host as they see fit. It may be that the whole arrangement is a deliberate ploy to winnow out those they felt they HAD to invite but don't really want there.

It was misguided to assume that children would be welcome at this event and to not have a Plan B/backup in case they weren't, frankly. I find it odd that people who've been parents for upward of eight years do not have the resources in place so that they can get away for two days without the kids. To each their own, but that goes for the bride and groom, too.

The OP is free to decline and that sounds like the best path forward. I wouldn't give some song and dance about childcare. Just decline. If there is (doubtful) any follow-up, just say that lack of evening childcare made it impossible to attend. It's not the hosts' responsibility to manage that or even consider it.

Perhaps OP can organize a family get-together in spring, if she wants to see her distant relatives.

I'm reminded of that resolution I came up with, I don't owe anyone my misery.

Yes you could do 5 hours there and back in a day, yes you could go to all that bother for one of you to have to take the kids to McDonalds in the evening, yes you could spend a fortune on childcare but why? WHY the hell would you want to?

Because the OP wanted to go.

It’s now up to her to decide how much she wants to go in light of the invitation that’s been issued.

I would either decline or go on my own possibly by train if that is an option and make the trip as short as possible.

It's very rare anyone wants to do anything at all costs regardless of what suggestions people make.

I find it odd that people who've been parents for upward of eight years do not have the resources in place

I don't. Not everyone has local family, not everyone has lived somewhere long enough to know someone locally they can trust, not everyone feels comfortable leaving their DC in the care of complete strangers.

Some of you are bonkers. The lengths you expect the OP to go to to attend this wedding.

The 4 and 8 year old would be gutted to be pulled away from the wedding at 5 - and probably hungry. Not a good combination. Mine are a couple of years older, but they would be gutted if they knew the party was carrying on without them, as they sit in a boring hotel room. And depending on the hotel layout, probably listening to the music and the laughing etc.

Sod that. Just wouldn’t go!

I find it odd that people who've been parents for upward of eight years do not have the resources in place so that they can get away for two days without the kids

Just shows how little you know about the realities of being a parent then.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

Why? If he’d have them then it sounds like a perfect opportunity for them to spend time with their granddad. They are 4 and 8, not babies. Leave them with sweets, popcorn and a movie to watch? Unless there’s some massive backstory about your dad being an alcoholic or something I think it’s strange you wouldn’t even consider this.

You either have people who can watch your kids for a weekend or you don't, it's not really something that improves with time.