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AIBU?

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Original poster

A ‘children at wedding’ one….

1000 replies

TemporaryName123 · 05/01/2024 00:14

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

  • 2 kids (4 and 8)
  • Cousins wedding
  • save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
  • 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
  • this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

OP posts:
Inastatus · 05/01/2024 22:02

Some of the comments on here are quite sad and shows how fragmented some families have become. When my cousin got married, DH and I went with our 2 DC’s who were then 3 and 5. We all had an absolute ball and 3 year old DS loved the Ceilidh. Very fond memories.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 05/01/2024 22:03

FluffyDiplodocus · 05/01/2024 21:54

Yeah, I wouldn't be going to that. Have they framed it as "no children as we want you to be able to relax and let your hair down" yet? That's my absolute favourite bit of childfree wedding bingo, trying to sell it as though it's a huge favour to you and not a logistical headache!

If they'd been clear about the expectations around children from the beginning, that would have been fair enough. But given the invitation you received I can totally understand why you made the assumption you did!

Edited

I definitely agree with your first paragraph. I have no issue going to a childfree wedding but don't frame it as a favour to me. If I wanted to come without my children (which I probably would tbf), I'd just rsvp yes for me, and no for them. I wouldn't need a faux "we just want you to have a childfree night, so aren't we generous not inviting your children".
No - you're not inviting them either because you don't want them there, or because it would cost too much. Both of those are completely reasonable. I don't need an explanation as to why my children aren't invited, especially not an explanation that we both know isn't true.

Verbena17 · 05/01/2024 22:09

Save yourselves lots of cash and either go alone if it’s your cousin and leave your DH at home with the kiddos.
Or, don’t go at all and just say you’re sorry you’re unable to attend due to childcare.

Whitegull · 05/01/2024 22:09

Lots of families aren't fragmented @Inastatus , they're big! My cousins, whom I'm close to, have 26 children between them. DH's cousins have similar numbers of children. It's just not possible to invite them all sometimes.
Maybe the bride has a big family?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/01/2024 22:11

00100001 · 05/01/2024 00:18

It's very easy.

you all go to the bit you're invited to and then non-cousin takes kids back to where you are staying.

Edited

Yea this! Or ask granddad to have them a few hours and non cousin parent picks them up.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 05/01/2024 22:11

Inastatus · 05/01/2024 22:02

Some of the comments on here are quite sad and shows how fragmented some families have become. When my cousin got married, DH and I went with our 2 DC’s who were then 3 and 5. We all had an absolute ball and 3 year old DS loved the Ceilidh. Very fond memories.

Can I ask how many cousins you have? I have 17, and if the youngest one gets married when he's older (he's only 18 now) there could be an awful lot of cousin's children around.
I'm aware that's on the larger side in terms of number of cousins, but even if you have a smaller number, once you add in partners and children it can easily add a lot of people to a guest list.

Legendairy · 05/01/2024 22:11

You should have checked straight away but you're definitely not being unreasonable not going. If it was local then totally different.

ColleenDonaghy · 05/01/2024 22:12

Inastatus · 05/01/2024 22:02

Some of the comments on here are quite sad and shows how fragmented some families have become. When my cousin got married, DH and I went with our 2 DC’s who were then 3 and 5. We all had an absolute ball and 3 year old DS loved the Ceilidh. Very fond memories.

That's lovely, and I have two first cousins so whilst the kids weren't around for the weddings I can see that happening with us if events had fallen in the right order.

DH has something like 40 first cousins though...

Even in a family with say, each parent as one of 3, and everyone having 3 children, that's six cousins per side. So if they have 3 DC each, that's 12 x cousins + 12 x partners + 36 children!

And then if that's the bride you could have the same again for the groom.

Completely reasonable in very normal sized families not to be able to invite cousins' children. Or even just cousins!

JRM17 · 05/01/2024 22:14

Can you not go alone and OH can stay home with kids. My cousin got married last year and we also had assumed that children would be invited as alot of kids in family but in the end it was only the 2 flower girls that were invited no other children so after some Consideration it was decided I would attend alone (with my parents, brother and sister in law and rest of the family) and my DH would stay home with DS who was 6 at the time. I had a wonderful day and although I would have loved my DH and DS there it was also nice to have a day to myself.

Inastatus · 05/01/2024 22:15

@Whitegull - yes I know lots are not fragmented but there are some incredulous posters on here who dismiss the fact that someone could be close enough to a cousin and their children to want them at their wedding. 100% agree that this is not always possible in big families but still don’t understand the halfway house presented to the OP.

VeryHungrySeaCucumber · 05/01/2024 22:17

Or did you just assume kids were invited all day and night without checking?

Which would be the reasonable assumption because if family are going to send you a Save The Date and plan to actually only half-invite your small kids, they should be telling you at that point. Cousin's a tosspot. I wouldn't go and I wouldn't beat around the bush as to why.

LondonLass91 · 05/01/2024 22:18

00100001 · 05/01/2024 00:22

Nowhere. They go to room with non-cousin parent.

Suck it up and move on.

Show quote history

You can't travel all that way and leave your husband with the kids from 5pm! In a hotel room with fuck all to do..and you'll be on your own without your partner or kids. Fuck that, i absolutely wouldn't be going. I'd message and say you hadn't realised kids couldn't be there past 5 and therefore are unable to attend.

notlucreziaborgia · 05/01/2024 22:21

Inastatus · 05/01/2024 22:02

Some of the comments on here are quite sad and shows how fragmented some families have become. When my cousin got married, DH and I went with our 2 DC’s who were then 3 and 5. We all had an absolute ball and 3 year old DS loved the Ceilidh. Very fond memories.

I don’t think people having the wedding they want is ‘sad’ at all. I think it’s sad that there are those that feel they can’t because of family expectation. A childfree wedding may not be to your liking, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, or something to be sad about.

LondonLass91 · 05/01/2024 22:21

Dorriethelittlewitch · 05/01/2024 15:05

Don't be so daft! They’re young so will most likely be asleep by 8 at the latest.

My kids are basically the same age as the OP's. I can't remember the last time they were asleep by 8pm. Certainly despite us going swimming on Hogmanay and then climbing a reasonably big hill behind my inlaws house, they both made it to the bells. Not to mention coped with being on a beach by 9am on the 1st.

Realistically, I imagine it's highly unlikely that they'll be asleep by 8 in a strange location/sharing a space.

Exactly! Mine are that age and still up now...

Sjh15 · 05/01/2024 22:23

This would make me really angry.
Surely the bride/groom knew beforehand that they didn’t want children past 5pm. Surely they know where you live and surely they knew you were booking a hotel (an overly expensive one by the sounds of it)
to tell you 8 weeks before that there’s a curfew for the children would really rub me up the wrong way. She should have said it before now.
if it was me, I couldn’t afford 1.3k for a family wedding anyway but I 100% wouldn’t be going now because I would feel sad for my kids they were looking forward to doing something they now have to be shoved in a hotel room for half of. I wouldn’t be going.

Inastatus · 05/01/2024 22:28

@CrispsandCheeseSandwich and @ColleenDonaghy - see my reply to whitegull. I completely understand not being able to invite a huge extended family and that’s fine but either do or don’t, not 50/50. It’s the posters who just dismiss the idea that you could possibly have that closeness with a cousin and their family that I’m mainly referring to.

ColleenDonaghy · 05/01/2024 22:34

Inastatus · 05/01/2024 22:28

@CrispsandCheeseSandwich and @ColleenDonaghy - see my reply to whitegull. I completely understand not being able to invite a huge extended family and that’s fine but either do or don’t, not 50/50. It’s the posters who just dismiss the idea that you could possibly have that closeness with a cousin and their family that I’m mainly referring to.

It sounds like most of the family is local though, so it's more that the couple is giving the children the chance to pop along even though they aren't invited. I think that's quite sweet and family-minded really, it's just that it's tricky for OP as she moved away. For most of the family it won't be as big a deal.

Inastatus · 05/01/2024 22:37

notlucreziaborgia · 05/01/2024 22:21

I don’t think people having the wedding they want is ‘sad’ at all. I think it’s sad that there are those that feel they can’t because of family expectation. A childfree wedding may not be to your liking, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, or something to be sad about.

Show quote history

@notlucreziaborgia - read again, I didn’t say it was sad for people to have the wedding they want! It’s sad that people assume that cousins aren’t close enough family to want them and their DC involved. Obviously some are and some are not. Some families are too large for this to be possible but others are not.

Isometimeswonder · 05/01/2024 22:39

I love all the posts saying "my kids are so good at weddings." Etc etc.
Not everyone wants a wedding reception that is basically a children's party.

Beebop1784 · 05/01/2024 22:41

Isometimeswonder · 05/01/2024 22:39

I love all the posts saying "my kids are so good at weddings." Etc etc.
Not everyone wants a wedding reception that is basically a children's party.

Agreed! All the people saying children make a wedding must have never attended a good party. No one wants to have to avoid your 6 year old doing helicopters on the dancefloor

Inastatus · 05/01/2024 22:43

And @notlucreziaborgia - I actually had a child free wedding but I was very clear about it from the outset.

Salesarefullofcutpricesprouts · 05/01/2024 22:48

We were having just my dc and our ds.. Thought it was well discussed with the 2 mates I was having there. Tiny registry wedding. Food back at our new house...
Until the night before and one of their dc appeared on sm wearing the new dress she had got for our wedding..
Absolutely didn't have the heart to burst her bubble.. So there she was like Where's frigging Wally on the side of every picture.
In a bright pink dress..
Ime suck up the dc free plan or stay home.

jannier · 05/01/2024 22:51

I'd say I'm so sorry but I can't make them stay in a bedroom from 5pm so with regret I'm going to have to decline.
Otherwise go on your own.

Outthedoor24 · 05/01/2024 22:52

ColleenDonaghy · 05/01/2024 22:12

That's lovely, and I have two first cousins so whilst the kids weren't around for the weddings I can see that happening with us if events had fallen in the right order.

DH has something like 40 first cousins though...

Even in a family with say, each parent as one of 3, and everyone having 3 children, that's six cousins per side. So if they have 3 DC each, that's 12 x cousins + 12 x partners + 36 children!

And then if that's the bride you could have the same again for the groom.

Completely reasonable in very normal sized families not to be able to invite cousins' children. Or even just cousins!

Show quote history

That's it exactly it can be a pure numbers game.
Some people will see more of their friends kids than they do cousins.

DH and I did consider cousins and friends kids we were sitting at 36 (with two guests ready to pop) so a few months later would have been 38!

Honestly it just became impossible. Which friends do you bin to accommodate the kids.
I have a couple of regrets over my guest list but the kids aren't part of that regret.

jannier · 05/01/2024 22:53

I wouldn't spend 1300 on 2 nights away for 4 you could get a lovely cottage for a week for that and change.

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