A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

Aside from being massively rude, that wouldn't work as the children aren't invited to the sit down meal. So where would they go during that?

Oh yeah they'd definitely be the ones showing themselves up as selfish and thoughtless...

Not you, the boorish guest, who felt she and her progeny warranted special treatment.

Feeding their children - it’s pretty standard and unlikely to be hard. Presumably given they are staying three nights they aren’t concerned about eating on the other two nights.

Given they're driving 5 hours to get there, I think it's safe to assume they will have a car on hand and so will be in reasonably easy reach of some pizzas or burgers. Yes, the DH will have to abstain from the wedding champagne but I'm sure he can cope.

Sign me up for the wankfest! Being derogatory about people having their weddings the way they want them doesn’t in fact make it any less of an attractive proposition.

It’s a bit like with everything else, isn’t it? One person’s heaven is another’s hell, and one person’s better is another’s worse. Take camping for instance - some people absolutely adore it, whereas I’d rather stick my head in a bear trap. Just as well we’re free to choose how we want our weddings (and leisurely pursuits, for that matter), and no one that disagrees is obliged to attend them.

I do not care if a wedding includes kids or excludes kids. Both are fine. And if the situation doesn't suit my particular circumstances I won't kill myself to try and attend. But I can't get emotional that someone else chooses to throw a party in a different way to me.

Yeah, no.

Even if you got your bizarre way, people would still be free to depart from convention and have a childfree wedding.

You can do what you like for your own wedding, but you can’t dictate what other people do for theirs.

What I personally think is precious is how many parents these days feel entitled to tell a couple that the celebration they want and are paying for is wrong because it doesn’t include some random kids.

Well yes @ColleenDonaghy, but as you say, they're driving five hours to get there. That's a long journey for a day which only 1 quarter of the family will be able to attend in its entirety. The other 3 quarters will have a very long journey, to attend half a wedding day and then just before dinner time, when everyone is hungry, all but one of them has to leave.

My point was the lack of consideration from the B&G about what this will mean for families with children - it's the most inconsiderate moment to require children and their carers to leave i.e. when everyone has spent a day at the wedding, worked up an appetite and is flagging a bit, at around the regular main evening meal time for (presumably) almost everyone.

Allowing children to stay for the evening meal and then leave before the evening party would feel much more welcoming and considerate (although of course, also more expensive).

If I was the parent who had endured a long-distance 5-hour drive with kids, sat through the wedding ceremony part of the day and then had to leave with my children when the other adults were about to get a lovely evening meal (and presumably a far nicer one than I was about to get) I might feel that perhaps a £1000+ spend to attend had not been worth it.

I know it's impossible to think of everything when you are planning a wedding, particularly if guests are travelling long distances and it's easy to miss things that are important factors for other people if those things aren't part of your life (yet) but this does seem a particularly difficult point of the day to expect children and their carers to leave.

When you first posted it sounded as though the kids were just not invited to the evening do - so I was going to suggest just going and then parents take turns watching the kids for the drunken dancing bit of the day - but if there’s actually no dinner available etc then that wouldn’t work because one parent would be missing dinner too.

I rather doubt the bride would be disappointed if the op pulls out. More likely she will be delighted to be able to invite a friend instead.

When I got married, in my close friendship group one was pregnant and one had a baby a few months old.

A few years later at another wedding, same friendship group, we had 17 children between us and fully understood why children weren’t invited - friends plus partners plus kids had become almost 40 people to cater for in terms of seating plans and food costs. Why should a bride and groom fork out for that if they don’t want to?

Honestly, this making a fuss and “I’m not going if my kids can’t go” just comes across as churlish and a bit wet. Either go or don’t, nobody will miss a moaner. The day is most definitely not about you!

(OP, this rant was not specifically aimed at you!)

It’s not the B&G that would look selfish and thoughtless. Anyone who’d do something like this in real life is absolutely unhinged.

I am all for people doing whatever they want for their own weddings, including not inviting kids. However, I also think that if people do that, they obviously need to accept that this means some people won’t be able (or just won’t want) to come and that this is fair enough. You would absolutely not be unreasonable to decline the invitation.

I also think that they maybe could have made it a bit clearer what they were planning when they sent you the Save The Date thingy.

I wouldnt go - not worth it. And I say that as someone who didnt have children (apart from my own) at my wedding. To be fair, only 2 other guests had kids at that time and as we got married where we all live, it wasnt difficult for anyone to arrange childcare (also 12 months notice!).

But I dont understand why kids can come to the 'boring' bits of the ceremony & food where the B&G really need to concerntrate, kids need to be quiet & listen whilst sitting still, which is the part of the day where they are more likely to moan about being bored etc, and they cant come to the party afterwards where to be honest, the B&G wouldnt even know they were there as they will drinking and enjoying themselves! Doesnt make sense to me at all.

I'm a huge fan of child-free weddings, but to spring this on you with 8 weeks notice is really not okay. But were you originally told that the kids were invited or did you just assume so? Did you ask? I think this is a major factor in terms of how reasonable this is.

Also £1300 is INSANE - surely it can be done for cheaper than this?? I wouldn't go at all if this was the cost!

Maybe it's not lack of consideration. Maybe they are fully cognizant that this will winnow down the guest list, by design.

@TemporaryName123 have other cousins/family members discussed the post 5pm no kids rule? It does seem very strange that they’d expect them to just be shipped off before any food after seeing all their family for a bit. Would be really crap for your DH to then take them somewhere else for food whilst you’re still at the wedding too really. I wouldn’t bother going, agree with you it’s a long drive and expense just for the kids to watch someone get married then miss out on the fun part!

We eloped. Much more relaxing and hassle-free.

Who needs it?

This.

All of the other weddings were organized and hosted by different people. Foolish to assume there's an unwavering pattern.

I'd find someone to watch the kids in their home, and just travel as adults to the wedding.

Depending on family dynamics, in your shoes OP, we'd potentially go as planned but all leave at 5 to get a meal somewhere else/go for a walk etc. Then dh would put the kids to bed and I'd go back to the party for a bit.

But I grew up in a different country to all my cousins and whilst I get on with wider family, I'd have little interest in going to a family wedding alone.

Or we'd decline and do something else. £1300 would get you six nights in a European Centre Parcs plus the ferry and some change (I've just booked).

All of this.

No one is going to tear their hair out if some families decline; it may well be what the B&G hope for.

Eight weeks is plenty of time to find evening childcare for the kids if one is truly motivated to do so. As well as the phone number for pizza delivery or a cooler bag of snacks they can eat in the room before bed.

We often had hotel sitters when young and it hardly traumatized us. Most hotel managers have a list of reliable people.

If I was in Op's shoes I think I'd either:

1)Attend as a whole family but have the whole family leave together at 5pm and get a nice meal somewhere - and think of the trip as a family holiday with a wedding in it.
2) Go alone, as the sole family representative from your immediate family. Leave partner and children at home. Think of it as a nice opportunity for you to see the wider family, express your support/love for the couple, solidify family relationships and generally have an enjoyable day. Plus save some money and hassle.
2)Explore what family members with children who live nearby are doing - is there any chance of pooling childcare? If they are using a family friend as a babysitter would they be willing to look after a couple more, for instance? Probably not realistic with your youngest only 4 unless they are already known to them in some capacity. Is there an older teenage family member who would prefer the chance of earning some babysitting money in a nearby family member's home to attending the evening reception?!? Can you tag team childcare so that two family members don't drink, one misses the meal and does childcare but then returns for the party, and the other has the meal but then goes to do babysitting duties? All of this depends on how near the venue is to other family member's homes, and how close you all are of course.

I might also bear in mind that missing family weddings entirely can affect relationships down the line between you and your wider family. These things do tend to get remembered. And I'd consider how likely it would be to cause issues within your own particular family and how much it matters to you if it does.

The OP and family are travelling up the night before. So no 5 hour journey the day of the wedding.

@LaurieStrode
"I'd find someone to watch the kids in their home, and just travel as adults to the wedding."
^
Bearing in mind OP already sta^ted that all relatives known to DC are going to the wedding, and it is a 5 hour drive away necessitating at least a one night stay away, who would this mythical person be ?

Could possibly punt out the 8 year old to stay with friends, but 4 year old is too young for that.

Paid care would cost a fortune for that length of time.

Don't be so daft! They’re young so will most likely be asleep by 8 at the latest. Then DH can have a beer, watch crap TV, have a bath, play on his phone - myriad things to keep him occupied!