A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

Save the dates aren't usually addressed to anyone

I've always thought that was a ridiculous way to do it. How can we save the date if we don't know who needs to save it.

The cost is a red herring. £200 on a gift is over the odds. Wear clothes you already have, or if you really have to buy new, buy outfits that will be useful for other occasions so they’re part of your wardrobes for the coming year. Children don’t need fancy wedding shoes for a start!

You don’t need to stay in the fancy hotel for three nights - stay there the night of the wedding if you must, then decamp to somewhere cheaper, or stay with relatives. Presumably as you were planning to stay for three nights, you were making plans to spend time with your relatives anyway, and it was to be more than just a trip to a wedding.

I have little patience with people who say it costs a fortune to attend a wedding when they’re choosing to make it cost more than it needs to.

Ok you or your DH are being hugely unreasonable to be angry about the invitation, but if it's not feasible to attend you can say no.

Two options I would consider - 1) do you have someone closer to home who could watch the kids for a couple of nights? (Are your dh's family local?) The kids get a fun stay with -whomever-, you and your dh get a little kid free break.
2) You go alone and your dh watches the kids.

Both of these were standard options for a wedding I went to last year at a similar distance for half the guests to travel (the half that I'm a part of so I know most of the arrangements that were made).

@TemporaryName123 if you do still want to go, stay in the hotel the night before then all of you leave at 5. Grab some dinner together then drive home. Kids will sleep in the car. Saves you 2 nights of hotel costs at least.

But I'd try my earlier suggestion if you definitely don't want to go.

What a disgusting thing to say. B&G are paying in most cases and it's their day. They can invite who they want. As someone who has struggled with fertility, I didn't want my one wedding day being upset by being surrounded by babies. Consider that.

Don't go if you don't want to. But I would have checked sooner about the kids. 8 weeks in advance for an invite is pretty insane to.

@peakygold 🤣🤣

As somebody without fertility issues I did not wish for my big day to be impeded by others childcare issues, broken glassware, spilled drinks, kids food menus and all the other bum wiping that kids invites entail. No one should have to justify their guest policy on their wedding day.

Great suggestion from @Ju1ieAndrews

Tbh we'd have no issue with this although our kids are younger, 5 and 2. They both like their sleep though and even my eldest wouldn't be able to cope staying up until later than 9 or so. So we'd be happy to go, the parent who isnt the cousin would take the kids back to hotel room and put to bed eventually etc and other parent would stay at party. Wouldn't be an issue for us at all. We wouldn't be able to stay past about 7 anyway otherwise because of the little one being tired.

I'd just say "Hi x and y, thanks so much for the invitation, we hope you have the most magical day but unfortunately we won't be able to make it. Looking forward to seeing the pics and videos after"

But they should make their 'guest policy' clear well in advance.

Then guests have plenty of time to decide their acceptance policy.

Tbh with a wedding and similar events I would always assume kids weren't invited & then ask the question to check

I'm usually in favour of childfree weddings however this model is quite ridiculous and very inconvenient for people who aren't local. Also unfair on the kids, they get to stay for the boring part and then get sent home while their parents stay. As this is slightly unusual the B&G should have made this clear is advance. I'd just tell them you'll not be able to work around this so can't attend.

If you decide its worth £1300, ask your dad to have the girls and if you need to leave early, leave early.

Have to admit my niece married overseas. I spent £12.5k on our trip - 10 days guided tours plus 7 days at wedding resort because everyone would be there and we'd be doing organised stuff.
The guided tour part was fab, spending 7 days at a resort I didn't want to visit and on top not being invited to pre and post wedding trips, def not worth it. ie dont go just for the wedding...

I wouldn’t go.

The thought of getting my 2 all dressed up, for sitting in a ceremony for an hour (or however long) to then take them away as the party gets going. They are good kids - but would feel pretty upset- and rightly so.

And I wouldn’t consider my OH sitting in a hotel room with 2 upset kids eating by themselves, watching tv for hours till they went to sleep, so I could attend the party by myself downstairs.

B and G have a right to make the choices they are making. But with making those choices there are repercussions - and in this instance it’s you not going.

What about the other members of your family with kids? What are they doing? How are they feeling?

and to those saying cousins aren’t close family - I’m closer to my cousins then I am my siblings! All families are different in this way.

Have I missed something? The wedding invite with full details was circulated 8 weeks before the wedding? I think that’s pretty standard. 8 weeks feels like enough time to make and plan and RSVP?

@TemporaryName123 yeah I’m with your husband. I’d be angry anyway, but even more so at the short notice. That just makes it a total no brainer for me all round.

I know it’s ‘their day’ etc is the mumsnet line. But life is not a Friends set. Not if you want a community beyond your 30s

@lastchristmas80 the invites are yet to actually hit my doormat, he messaged last night to say they were in the post. 8 weeks for going to a wedding from a distance isn’t that long, especially when you have to arrange time off work etc

They should have been clear about the invite from tge beginning, totally don't understand the point of save the date cards. Just send a bloody invitation with your stall set out.

I feel that it's true that it's the choice of the bride and groom whether or not to invite children, yes, but they need to be prepared to accept that some people won't attend if they choose not to. Those are the rules.

I was in a similar situation when my DS was 8 months old. My DPs friends had sent us an invitation without specifying who exactly were invited or whether or not children were included. My DP just assumed they didn't mean for us to leave our baby at home, especially as it was also a 4 hour drive. Turns out they had drawn the line at exclusively breastfed babies, and as our son was two months past that, he couldn't go (though I was still breastfeeding). We found a solution and went (but this was my DPs very capable sister offering to take the train 1½ hour to babysit at the hotel along with her two teenage DC who were dying to see our baby again - not something we could've counted on, especially not on such short notice). I was stressed out and a little pissed, though (also at my DP, as I had asked him to check that children really were included, and he refused saying of course they were). I knew the wedding meant a lot to my DP, and that's the ONLY reason we went. I wouldn't have felt bad cancelling at all, saying we just couldn't go if we had to leave our 8 months old baby at home. I offered to stay home with our DS and let my DP go alone, as they were his friends, and that would've probably been the solution if his sister hadn't offered to babysit. That would've meant me cancelling on short notice, and again - not sorry.

So in short - yes, their wedding, they decide. But if they decide to make it difficult for their guests, they should prepare to have people cancelling.

So if you haven't got the invite how do you know the children were invited? Did they have all your names on the save the date card?

Can't stand child-free weddings. I'd just not bother going, the selfish idiots can celebrate without you. Spend the £1300 on a nice holiday somewhere family friendly!

Their wedding; their choice to not have kids after 5pm but they have to accept that people will decline the invitation as a result.

I'd not go.

That’s on you, though. You could stay just one night. It’s your decision that 5 hours’ drive means staying more than one night.

And you’ve discounted your father-‘s help - their grandfather - and are thinking about a babysitter. Again, that’s on you. Your father could be perfectly fine - he raised you!