A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

I'm 50/50 on this.
On the one hand, I cba with couples who go diva over their wedding, and forget that guests are there to enjoy themselves.
On the other, I cba with people who bring their kids to events, and then expect other guests to help entertain their kids.

It's not being a diva to decide not to spend a fortune feeding your cousins' children over your friends.

There is also no indication that OP expects other guests to entertain her children.

No one is terrible here, it's just a mismatch of logistics.

I think if everyone had had kids at weddings and you have to travel so book ahead, 8 weeks notice is crappy. I’d cancel.

This is rubbish though - childfree weddings cause childcare issues and when have they ever been a problem for bride and groom anyway?

If it's about broken glassware and spilled drinks, you'd better ban adults from drinking. As for special menus - children often eat a smaller version of what everyone else is having, I brought a couple of baps along to last wedding where food was fancy. Would you also ban someone with allergies or other special requirements as it's too much fuss to have a special menu?

As for bum wiping, I think you know the wrong people if this is your reason for banning kids from a wedding.

If i was very close to the bride or groom i would consider attending alone, staying one night (with family if poss). Definitely would not bring dh and kids then send them off at 5pm.

However not unreasonable to decline altogether. I wouldn't even give a reason just rsvp no something like "unfortunately we are unable to attend the wedding, hope you have a fantastic day and a wonderful marriage. Best wishes"

I would only mention the reason if hoping to change their minds which doesn't really sound fair unless you are very close and they will be hurt if you don't explain.

@WandaWonder because my cousin messaged last night to say the kids are of course invited to the ceremony and the ‘reception’ (not dinner) after. They are invited. But have to leave from when dinner starts.

I would consider taking the kids and going to just the bits they’re invited to and then use the rest of the time to have a mini family break away (you could plan a day out the next day).

Or see if DH’s family can babysit and just you and DH go and have a break from the kids (my preferred option 😁).

I wouldn’t feel bad about turning it down though as this should have been mentioned beforehand.

She can choose not to invite people for whatever reason she likes. It isn’t your preference, but it doesn’t have to be if it’s not your wedding. No one needs to justify their wedding to you any more than you need to justify yours. If you don’t like it, don’t go. It really is that simple.

I would clarify as perhaps they mean not there for speeches and the sit down meal but welcome afterwards as i think the evening after dinner is what most people consider as the reception.

If that is the case i might consider dh taking kids elsewhere for dinner or phoning a take away to hotel room.

Broken glassware and spilled drinks. Happened to us as wedding guests when another guest (who we did not know) at the table drank way too much, started picking arguments with everyone, and had to be physically manhandled out the room whilst having knocked over everything on the table. What a great adult only experience we had that day. Would rather have been sat at a table full of kids. At least my husband wouldn't have been threatened with a physical fight.

@NoCloudsAllowed I don't see why people need reasons to have a childfree wedding, I don't enjoy the company of children and didn't want them there. That's enough for me.

I feel like OP is making a meal of this - yes it's not ideal, but if the majority of B&G's friends and family live nearby and will likely have other babysitters, it's just unfortunate for OP that she's the one who doesn't. B&G have either overlooked this, assume her dad can babysit, or (sorry) don't actually mind if she declines. Just make a decision OP and communicate it. Sending a card and a gift if you're not going would be kind.

Yeah what I meant was did they assume kids were invited full stop. That's the big thing you can't assume, and if that was checked at the time did the bride and groom just say yes? If so then yeah the goalposts have definitely moved. If they didn't check are kids invited then it's not as shocking that there's an issue of some sort now. But what fools only send an invite 8 weeks before!

Really I think weddings are community events and there should be a convention about who can come, much less of this 'special day' bullshit. I think it was better when there was a church do then sandwiches in the church hall with a disco. It's all so precious (and expensive) now.

Weddings should be a bit like a harvest festival, about the whole community marking a rite of passage for a particular couple but not some big vanity fest about expressing your own terribly special unique identity.

If you had been told that children were invited, and it sounds like you were, your assumption was not unreasonable at all.

Couples can make whatever decisions they want about the attendance of children, but they can’t get upset with you when they haven’t communicated this clearly. Just graciously decline.

Honestly you sound more and more like you just want to make a point and decline because your kids arent invited. You have a father there willing to look after his grandchildren. What is the problem really? He could pick them up at 5, take them for tea and bowling or something then its around their bedtime anyway. He could even put them to bed in the hotel and wait there till you got back.

I think its a good compromise to have children there in the afternoon then them leave before they get all tired and antsy and the adults start letting their hair down.

You can think what you like, but your opinions are not facts. The harvest festival ffs 😂

I think the B&G are not unreasonable on their choice.

What is unreasonable is not being upfront about this from when save the dates were sent!

Also in find it weird in that surely you would either have a child free whole day or a children welcome all day not some weird hybrid that just makes logistics for parents overly complicated

Just send a polite message back. Along the line of " I'm so sorry but we won't have any childcare so we won't be able to make it, we hope you have a lovely day and will catch up with you at Christmas/ Easter/ next family occasion". It really does not need it be a big deal.

'I don't enjoy the company of children' is just the kind of miserable attitude I'm talking about. Children are very varied, you might as well say you don't enjoy the company of 50 year olds.

What are the couple going to do, lay out lines of coke on tables at 7 and get out the orgy mobile? Parents look after the kids, they go off to bed before about 9 anyway, what's the problem?

@MillarMountVandal I didn’t expect anyone to entertain our kids at the wedding? Just thought they’d be guests at the whole thing, not just half the day.

To re-state what I said on my original post: I 100% understand it’s bride and grooms day and do not begrudge them that AT ALL. My question was about our own arrangements around it and would we be unreasonable to not go given that we had (hands up,wrongly) assumed our kids were invited to the whole thing. We have not issued a formal RSVP either way at this point so won’t be impacting official numbers.

And for those who are deciding that we are over inflating the costs, the costs are what they are and at the risk of sounding cheeky, you can’t know all the details about why it costs this much and why if we are travelling this far that we would have decided that these were to be our arrangements. I would never question what someone says about how much someone can/will spend on something. It’s not the money that’s the issue here (though it is a lot of money for us): it’s the logistics and principle around out kids not being there for the full day.

Thank you to those of you who have given honest, kind and balanced responses, it’s given us a lot to mull over! Will update what we’ve decided over the weekend x

I think that this is going too far. I agree that the OP wouldn't be unreasonable to duck out, but I can see that an evening reception is not necessarily suitable for kids. I think the issue is how much the OP has to spend to attend. I think it is one of those situations where nobody is wrong, it is just unfortunate all around.

I suspect that, since you sound like such a lovely person, having you decline would be an added bonus of a child free policy.

Most weddings I've ever been to are child free beyond children of siblings and perhaps wedding party. Having children attend can (more than) double the headcount - especially if the b&g are the last of their friends to get married. As well as meaning that guests have to leave early to put children to bed. Child-free weddings are far from a new thing - I remember as a child enjoying stays at my grandparents whilst my parents attended weddings.

Ah OK so their grandad could just take them for their tea then drop them back for the reception after your meal? Sounds even less of an issue then

@XiCi As mentioned in my OP, there are sensitivities around having my father watch them which I am not going into here.

I still think you should go OP, you're obviously looking forward to it and as someone who moved away I understand how much of a rare treat it is to get together with the extended family. Your DH and DC will really only miss out on a few hours of the trip and I'm sure they can find something fun to do.