A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

You don't need to send a passive-agressive, snarky response and you don't need to behave like an absolute twat and turn up refusing to send your children away.

A simple "Thank you for the invitation, unfortunately we are unable to find childcare so will have to decline" followed by whatever family pleasantries you want to add.

The save the date was addressed to ‘All’ so I think it was reasonable to assume the whole family would be invited.

I don't think it was though. Save the dates aren't usually addressed to anyone, it was the WhatsApp message that said "hi all..." but presumably that related to the adults receiving the message. Doubt the kids are in the group chat!

More selfish wedding stuff, honestly they really are more trouble than they are worth.

I think YABU to spend so much money on a cousins wedding..£200 gift!...but it's your money to spend how you wish.

The B&G just want cutesie kids in outfits for the wedding photos, and know full well the numbers attending would be compromised if they said no kids for evey part.

You are right to not attend , it's logistically too complicated and unfair to have to hide your kids away at 5pm. I feel quite sorry for them after they have got excited about it.

With the money you save ( make that gift a £50 voucher in a card for a start) you can have a lovely family day out instead.

I wonder how much they're saving by not having the kids at the meal.

I think this is very poor form from them, but no point in scoring points. Although OP sounds far too reasonable and mature to consider doing that.

A polite note to say that you'll sadly have to decline due to not being able to secure suitable childcare. Wish them a wonderful day and say you look forward to seeing the photos.

I think saying going to to the wedding costs £1300 is a intentionally misleading- yes it totals that but only because you're choosing to stay so many nights (5 hours is a long drive but easily done with one night stay) and spend £200 on new outfits (this is expensive!!)

Yes the B&G could have been clearer but you shouldn't have assumed either. Sounds like you're tying the wedding in with a longer trip anyway so I would look at the majority of that as sunk cost not to do with the wedding and try and make the best of it. What was your plan with the kids when they got tired and had to leave the party anyway? You say they're night owls but presumably with something like this there's always the risk that one part of the couple has to call it an early night and take the kids up to the room.

'Save the date' does not mean you're banned from making other plans that day. You're only committed - bar unforeseen events - once you've returned the RSVP. You are therefore perfectly reasonable to decline the invitation on the basis of a lack of childcare.

I wouldn't have been paying £1300 to attend a cousin's wedding in the first place, particularly as I don't even enjoy these identikit occasions all that much.

People's expectations are ridiculously high these days.

I'd rather spend that money on a family holiday.

Since Groom is your cousin I'd probably go on my own and stay with a nearby relative for free.

Otherwise I wouldn't go.

I would read the ‘all’ to refer to the people included in the chat group tbh.

It’s fine to have a childfree wedding in part or whole, and whether people like it or not it is their day their choice. Op gets to choose whether to decline or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

That it doesn’t suit OP doesn’t mean it doesn’t suit the other guests either.

Are there a lot of children op? Just wondering if budget doesn't stretch to it or space in the venue.

Either way I would I'd go if your husband is happy with the going to the room at 5 option. You'll still be able to catch up with family over the next couple of days.

It is not poor form for the B&G to chose no children, it is poor form for them to not have made this clear earlier.

I wouldn't go, it's odd to give the full details just 8 weeks before the wedding. That should have been spelt out clearly at the beginning.

I'm curious as to how they will enforce this if some kids do go .... how will they chuck them out at 5pm! Sounds like it could be awkward ... everyone moving towards the table plan with no seats for kids .... parents have had a few drinks, looking for their kids names, forgetting they should have pissed off by then.

As for kids not staying up late, mine loved a late party at that age, often out with us for weddings, parties, NY eve.

So obvious - DH takes kids to your (230 quid a night) room, you stay dancing and drinking and talking with your extending family who you only see every couple of years (which would probably bore DH senseless anyway).

I'd cancel the hotel room and all leave at 5pm. I know its a long drive but you'll be home by midnight and then have your next day at home all free. The kids can have a bit of sleep in the car.

At 5pm the DH doesn't need to just sit in the room with the kids, if he doesn't drink they can go out for pizza and bowling, or whatever else is nearby. No need to spend the night in the room. Or eat in the hotel bar with other family children.

It was very unfair of B&G not to make this clear from the start. And having the kids leave before dinner means that one parent also has to miss the dinner because the kids will need something to eat.

A great shame to miss this family occasion, and I really do prefer CF weddings myself, but they have gone about this really badly. In your shoes I would also cancel, OP. It’s a lot of time and money for not much enjoyment as a family.

The best for kids at a wedding are the food and dancing in the evening. The boring bits are the ceremony and the interminable waiting around whilst photos are taken, and this is the bit they have been invited to!

Sorry I've just seen the dinner is at 5pm and they aren't invited. I had assumed that dinner was concluding at 5pm and then they left before the drinks and disco. In this case I agree with you and would not attend as they aren't actually invited to the vast majority of it.
I don't agree with them sitting in the hotel room with their dad whilst everyone else is downstairs having fun, that would be really rotten for them. You'd need to add room service for their dinners to the cost too!

Sorry, I misunderstood. In that case I wouldn't go. You've got the added faff of getting them fed and I think it's really unreasonable to invite to first part and not the rest when you live so far away.
If you really, really wanted to go maybe you could find someone at home to babysit, (husbands parents?) and leave the kids behind. But as it would be more than one night that might be tricky too. Plus it doesn't sound like that's something that would appeal to you (it wouldn't to me either).

I expect the ‘hey all’ was in a group chat. A group that almost certainly didn’t include children!

Not what the drama is really. A date has been held, the invitation has arrived and doesn’t include kids. So politely decline and move on. Why all the vitriol from some posters about making the bride and groom feel bad for having the kind of day they want! Seem a little graceless to me.

@Longmamost of the weddings I’ve been to have had a handful of under 10s who’ve left shortly after the evening reception started and they’ve seen the cake cutting and first dance (unless it was a baby asleep in a pram). I’m in Scotland and the reception is usually a ceilidh so maybe that contributes to them leaving early - can’t imagine many young kids know the dances.

I think nearly 2 months is plenty of notice to arrange childcare. I would either leave the kids at home for the weekend - sleepover at grandmas or something - or not bother going. They really have made it the worst of all worlds. In real life I’d just say thank you for the invitation. We are unable to attend. Have a wonderful day.

Realistically, you are cousins and cousins children they don’t see that often. They’re not bothered whether you attend or not and you’ve probably been invited from some sense of family duty. If you don’t go they have more space for the people they do want to invite. Few

This.

You’ve absolutely nailed it there @ColleenDonaghy - a polite invite has been extended - but since the family aren’t central figures in the wedding (cousins rarely are), it’s really neither here nor there whether the family accepts the invite - along with it complications. The Bride and Groom will have a list of concerns about the big day: a random cousin no one ever sees (who lives on the other side of the country) will not feature on this list.

Good point. Plus they'd be getting ready for bed a couple of hours later anyway.

You should have clarified about children before this. It's not usual for children of cousins to be invited. IME, it's close family only. Siblings & nieces/nephews.

As it stands, you have a father there that would be willing to have your children for a few hours, so I really don't see a problem. In fact, as he hardly ever sees them, it would be lovely for both him and the children to spend some time together. It's their grandad after all. Seems a win-win for everyone. Unless you are going to tell us your dad is some kind of monster? Otherwise, I think you're just looking for excuses not to go. Kids get really bored and tired at weddings, so a nice day till 5, then a few hours having fun with Grandad sounds a much better day for them.

I think you're making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be.

You've said that your Dad lives nearby and would be happy to have them.

He can drive over at 5pm, pick them up, take them for a McDonalds/Nandos/whatever, bring them back to the hotel where your DH puts the kids to bed and then your Dad sits with the kids in the hotel room as they sleep/watch TV and your DH rejoins you for the party.

When you're ready for bed, you go up and your Dad goes home.

This may not be your ideal scenario, but if you wanted to go to the wedding this makes it completely do-able.