Adult child not wanting to pay their way

[Cazzalou]

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

^This.

Bottom line, it all depends on what you can afford.

You’re a Nurse, your 26 yo DD earns more than you and her BF also needs to chip in if he’s living in your home 2-3 days pw.

There is absolutely no need to give back their ‘keep’ one day, if the parent/s cannot afford to.

this

op, write down these extra expenses, be clear what you are paying extra for.

tbh, I would be surprised if it amounted to £500 even in London. But happy to be proved wrong. The biggest costs are council tax, and energy . Heating won’t change much if there’s one or 2 people living in the home. Even electric won’t cost that much more. A few extra loads of washing a month. If she’s eating and cooking her own stuff then yep, not the way to go for her to get rent reduction. Maybe she could cook for you both to save costs.

I think it’s not unreasonable to charge her more (£500) per month given that’s a massive discount on what she’d have to pay commercially. But I’d have put the surplus into a secret account to pass on eventually to said dc to go towards deposit.

There’s also the element of whether you don’t want her to live with you. That’s absolutely fine even if MN seem to think it cruel and unusual . Personally I’d be digging up my patio if my 25 year old ds had moved back in (he’s 30 now and a much better human) . So in that case , yes, charge the £500 As her incentive to move out asap.

I don’t think it’s right to profit as such from your daughter staying. But if her staying means you can’t get a lodger to help with costs you don’t have income for, then absolutely you can and should. And if she has bf staying over for anything but occasionally or having meals /food occasionally she should cover his costs. Whatever you do, don’t let him move in semi permanently 🤦‍♀️😱. Even if he’s a lovely lad.

I do think there's some leeway when they are very young, in a low paying job, perhaps not a full time hours if it's a zero hours contract or something, but as a general rule I do think adults should pay their own way and not ask others to subsidise them.

In this case where the daughter is 26 and has been working for years, and in fact earns more than her mother I think the rule absolutely applies.

Particularly as a house share would be double what she is paying, and would probably be far less pleasant, involving sharing kitchens and bathrooms with far more people.

A medical student in our wider family is paying over £900 a month to rent a tiny room with a family whose mortgage has gone up and considers themselves very lucky.

Primarily because they only have to share with two adults and not 8 and can use the bathroom and kitchen at a suitable time for their schedule. This was not a given in shared houses.

Also the mum of the family often does their laundry and leaves them leftovers in the fridge to microwave whereas in shared houses people used their food without asking and they sometimes had to resort to the launderette.

They also enjoy that they only need to know the schedule of two adults and two children rather than 6-8 adults, plus their assorted regujar and irregular overnight visitors in order to know when is the best time to sleep.

And that there are no Tuesday night wild parties

Honestly, I'd pay £500 a month happily just not to have to share with strangers ever again. Priceless!

YANBU - To say no to the reduction- I suppose it depends on their lifestyles now.
If she pays £500 and this covers meals and utilities for her and boyfriend does she have a lot of spare cash - is she going on holidays - meals out - spending on luxuries etc.
If she is giving you £500 and has money left over for treats then definitely I would say no to the reduction
But if she is giving you £500 and they are struggling to afford this on their wages and save for a house too. Then maybe you should consider it otherwise u will never get rid of them lol!
Does the boyfriend work - I assume he does if they are saving for a house - if he stays over 2or 3 days a week does he contribute with food etc or give you any money ?

This is lovely. Your parents sacrificed for you so you can live a privileged life, therefore, you are now in a position to give back to them by helping them out.

Some pp need to realise that not everybody has a good start in life or parents like this.

No shes no ‘taking you for a ride’🙄 shes your daughter, if you cant afford it don’t

Realistically, if she wasn’t there, would you be renting her room to a lodger or would you be freeing equity by downsizing/renting somewhere smaller?

How much is she actually costing in increased bills?

if you are losing £400 a month through not being able to rent out her room plus she’s costing £600 a month in utilities, council tax and food then she is taking you for a ride.

If you have no intention of taking a lodger or moving and it actually only costs you £300 a month then just charge her £300. She’s getting a bargain but it doesn’t actually cost you anything.

I ve read your update.
She can save without the discount. Also charge her BF. I think they are being CF.

I do believe adult 'children' who are working should pay their way.

Can't believe the audacity to even try to bargain you down! I'd never have bartered about payment with my parents.

£500 or just over £100 a week is nothing compared to renting/having your own place. Food, utilities, council tax, etc. I wouldn't 'bargain' with her. She shouldn't go back on an agreement once she's moved in.

I would say ‘keep paying £500 a month, but I will take £200 of it and save it for you and give it back to you when you’re ready to buy a house’. That way you know it’s being saved.

OP how much is she currently saving and does she have an extravagant lifestyle?

If you’re in London, £500 pcm is way less than she’d have to pay in a halfway reasonable flatshare, even without bills!

You've got to imagine that with most of her basic living expenses covered by just £500 a month she can save money hand over fist

You've got to imagine that with most of her basic living expenses covered by just £500 a month she can save money hand over fist

I hope she is, it would be piss me off if she’s having an extravagant lifestyle and asking for a reduction in housekeeping money.

I'm about 40 miles outside London and anything less than £1000 a month would involve living in a HMO with the kind of people you really wouldn't want to live with.

Even at that price it still might.

500 for rent and bills is a bargain for London! Definitely mates / family rates .. if she’s a junior teacher she should still be able to save something out of her salary after paying 500 so I think you should keep it at 500 if you need the cash and maybe explain it that way. I imagine a lot of that 500 is going towards council tax and energy bills anyway

I do think it's cheeky too.

Her mum has already saved her a fortune.

With all the price rises she's very lucky ithst £500 hasn't had to go up.

Dd21 is a First year ECT so on £30knamd pays £200 a month which is more than she costs

If she earns more than you do she should theoretically be paying more into the bill pot than you do OP, excluding mortgage payments.

I've always said that when ds gets a "proper job" I'd expect him to contribute to the bills in proportion to his salary and our incomes if he is living at home. I'd not charge rent as I don't have a mortgage.

So if eg I earn £40K, DH earns 40K and DS earns £20K and the bills for food, utilities, council tax etc come to £1000 a month, he should contribute £200.

If they don't like it they can move out and pay a mortgage or rent. They'll soon notice the difference.

We've had our niece staying for the last month or so and just that she's on a slightly different schedule to us has added to the hours the house needs to be kept warm, and thus the heating bill.

Just the extra bedding and towels and clothes in the laundry has added about three loads a week, we have an old immersion so hot water is expensive, all the extra drying costs money. The extra washing up costs money. The extra baths and showers cost money.

People's set ups are all different but all the additions cost money and over the month they add up.

The weekend she had a couple of friends to stay our smart meter had a proper workout. The display was practically a blur

I wonder if she fully appreciates that by letting her move in you've probably already saved her about £18,000?

Exactly. Our DD tried to barter us down only after a couple of months of paying 30% and after speaking to friends who also felt hard done by.

One of the friends also managed to move out last month to a flat share in London, once they also got their priorities in order.

What amazing generosity and commitment from your parents.

This however does not detract from the fact that to have the ability to do all that for you, your parents were fortunate and privileged. They have continued to convey that down to you and your children. You are in an incredibly fortunate position. Even having any savings, ability to gift large sums, or ability to take holidays, invest for grandchildren at birth etc places you in the top proportion of wealth in the UK.

It sounds like the OP is far from that, as are the majority of the people in the UK.

If BF is staying almost half the week I would be billing him too. Say £200/month.