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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult child not wanting to pay their way

491 replies

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 20:23

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

OP posts:
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7
verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 16:03

enchantedsquirrelwood · 05/01/2024 15:47

If she earns more than you do she should theoretically be paying more into the bill pot than you do OP, excluding mortgage payments.

I've always said that when ds gets a "proper job" I'd expect him to contribute to the bills in proportion to his salary and our incomes if he is living at home. I'd not charge rent as I don't have a mortgage.

So if eg I earn £40K, DH earns 40K and DS earns £20K and the bills for food, utilities, council tax etc come to £1000 a month, he should contribute £200.

If they don't like it they can move out and pay a mortgage or rent. They'll soon notice the difference.

That's a very good point.

If she's earning more money then really she should be paying more of the expenses.

There's no way £500 is her fair share of the expenses of a two (2.5?) person household in London.

43ontherocksporfavor · 05/01/2024 16:04

Depends if she’s still going out, to get expensive hair/beauty/ holidays . If she’s seriously cutting back I would allow it if I could afford it.

verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 16:05

muddyford · 05/01/2024 16:01

If BF is staying almost half the week I would be billing him too. Say £200/month.

If I was the daughter in this scenario, in this cost of living crisis, I would be scared to rock the boat in case mum did the suns and put my contribution UP.

HappyHamsters · 05/01/2024 16:09

If bf stays over then don't change it, is he back with his parents. Who shops, cooks, cleans?

Daisybuttercup12345 · 05/01/2024 16:18

She is being a massive CF. Is she sure she can afford a house AND all the expenses and bills that come with it?
Keep the money she pays you the same.

Newchapterbeckons · 05/01/2024 16:24

I would ask her to continue and save as much as I could for her… and keep it safe

Redcar78 · 05/01/2024 16:28

Based on your last post I'd keep it at £500 tbh, she's getting a great deal and if she can get a better one elsewhere then she can 🤷‍♀️ if she was 18 student it's different but she's a 26 year old teacher.

Redcar78 · 05/01/2024 16:29

Newchapterbeckons · 05/01/2024 16:24

I would ask her to continue and save as much as I could for her… and keep it safe

She's 26, why would you infantilise her by saving for her, apron strings should have been cut long ago, OP wouldn't be helping her by taking this responsibility away.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/01/2024 16:32

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 21:23

She is 26 and is a teacher on a better salary than me.
BF stays 2-3 nights a week.
I feel that I've been happy helping them over last 18 months and £500 a month in London is a bargain.
I would love to be in the position of letting them stay rent free but I do feel like I'm being a bit of a door mat.

In your OP you said : "I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week."

I'd be blunt with your daughter - tell her that you cannot afford to reduce her household contribution. If she were not there, you could rent out her room for more than £500, couldn't you? Maybe reduce your hours some more. (Whether you'd want to is beside the point. The point being, that 1. you could and 2. that you need the money.)

At 26, she's far too old to be being subsidised by her mum, particularly when she earns more than her mum.

Where does her BF live? I'd be suggesting she moves in with him!

fussychica · 05/01/2024 16:33

To those saying OP managed without DDs contribution before she moved back in so why not now? My understanding is that the OP has since gone part time in preparation for retiring so has taken a salary drop which she was comfortable with at the time.
Lots of things at play here. DD is getting a bargain already but doesn't seem to appreciate that. She earns more than her mum but is only happy to put in £200pm to the household pot and her BF sounds like he makes no contribution despite staying over several nights a week.
Taking those things into account, if it were me I'd be sticking with the £500 and if I didn't need the entire amount at any time I bank that for her separately, without her knowing, and without being held to a specific amount.

fussychica · 05/01/2024 16:36

Sorry £300 contribution to the household pot.

wronginalltherightways · 05/01/2024 16:40

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 21:23

She is 26 and is a teacher on a better salary than me.
BF stays 2-3 nights a week.
I feel that I've been happy helping them over last 18 months and £500 a month in London is a bargain.
I would love to be in the position of letting them stay rent free but I do feel like I'm being a bit of a door mat.

"No. You make more than I do, and I'm getting close to retiring. If you think £500 for London is unreasonable, move out and I'll get a workweek lodger that I can charge more."

verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 16:43

Depending on location the OP could probably rent out her spare room for a 5 night week or a weekend only now and then for considerably more than her daughter is paying for a whole month.

Lots more people are having to do it since mortgages went up so much.

Tax would be involved then but I do think the daughter here needs to take the other side of the coin into account.

BeardyButton · 05/01/2024 16:46

Jaysus the way you lot treat your adult kids! My god!

If you can’t afford it, it’s one thing… but the idea that your kid is ‘taking you for a ride’ by trying to stay in the ‘family’ home to save money. VOMIT.

I will make sure that my kid knows they always always have a home with me. If I can afford it, I will not ask them for money.

DriftingDora · 05/01/2024 16:47

Soontobe60 · 04/01/2024 20:27

Presumably you managed without the £500 before she moved back in.

And now she has another person living there. QED: additional bills/costs. Two cannot live as cheaply as one is very true.

verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 16:48

"No. You make more than I do, and I'm getting close to retiring. If you think £500 for London is unreasonable, move out and I'll get a workweek lodger that I can charge more."

Exactly @wronginalltherightways A work week lodger often pays £200-300 a week

And you can just do it some of the time. Not solidly for years if you don't need to.

43ontherocksporfavor · 05/01/2024 16:48

@BeardyButton did you not contribute when you lived at home? It’s quite usual once you’re no longer a child and working full time.Its part of learning about life.

verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 16:49

BeardyButton · 05/01/2024 16:46

Jaysus the way you lot treat your adult kids! My god!

If you can’t afford it, it’s one thing… but the idea that your kid is ‘taking you for a ride’ by trying to stay in the ‘family’ home to save money. VOMIT.

I will make sure that my kid knows they always always have a home with me. If I can afford it, I will not ask them for money.

What about the OP saving her daughter about £18,000 in living expenses over the last 18 months don't you like?

Filly1234 · 05/01/2024 16:53

I would say it depends on if you can afford for her to pay you less, and how much extra bills have cost whilst she’s being living with you (from extra use) and if everything is included in this amount.

I know my daughter is not very conscious of how much electric and water etc she uses whilst I’m paying the bills, so do think she impacts my costs on these quite a bit, particularly as she’s often at home more than I am. But I would take her wage into consideration and also her spending habits when considering how much she should contribute. If she was hoping to save but was bad at doing so, I would charge her more then necessary and save the extra for her.

verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 16:53

43ontherocksporfavor · 05/01/2024 16:48

@BeardyButton did you not contribute when you lived at home? It’s quite usual once you’re no longer a child and working full time.Its part of learning about life.

Edited

I firmly believe adults contribute.

If they want to be a child then there's a curfew and no sleepovers Grin

I would expect a contribution to the household in ways other than money too.

Adults cook, shop, wash up, do laundry, push the vacuum round, and don't leave the bathroom or kitchen for other people to clean etc.

verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 16:55

Having adult children back when they've been gone years can be hard too. I'm not sure everyone is seeing both sides on this.

verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 17:01

fussychica · 05/01/2024 16:33

To those saying OP managed without DDs contribution before she moved back in so why not now? My understanding is that the OP has since gone part time in preparation for retiring so has taken a salary drop which she was comfortable with at the time.
Lots of things at play here. DD is getting a bargain already but doesn't seem to appreciate that. She earns more than her mum but is only happy to put in £200pm to the household pot and her BF sounds like he makes no contribution despite staying over several nights a week.
Taking those things into account, if it were me I'd be sticking with the £500 and if I didn't need the entire amount at any time I bank that for her separately, without her knowing, and without being held to a specific amount.

I think that's a good idea, but with the price of everything and an extra person staying over I'm not sure there would be a surplus.

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo · 05/01/2024 17:05

This is admittedly cynical, but if you don’t help her get set up now, she’s probably not going to be in the position to help you back when you get elderly.

Eventually, you will likely need to move out your current home. If she’s not got her own home by then she’s really going to be limited in how much she can help you at that point.

Mamabebe2 · 05/01/2024 17:13

instead Of giving you cash get her to pay a bill that would equate to the £200 so she doesn’t feel like it’s £500 for rent only but £300 for her rent and £200 for bills. After all when she owns this will be hers to cover anyway.. it’s a great opportunity to teach her responsibilities and the hardships of having a home and so on. So what you was paying already she pays the remaining gas water bill. I wished my parents had a home I could live in when I was working as all my friends do and they are on the property ladder. But I get it.. not everyone has that opportunity.. work out a budget together. Families do not discuss finances enough or work out a family budget to ensure everyone’s needs are met.

SparklyIron · 05/01/2024 17:16

I feel like we’ve seen this one before but as a reverse…… 🤔