Adult child not wanting to pay their way

[Cazzalou]

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

See I don't like this behaviour at all. Why not just be honest and let her plan her own finances instead of treating her like a child. Very patronising and quite controlling.
I am also working 30hours in an NNS profession OP. I don't take any rent off my adult DC as I can "just about" afford to keep them and they are all saving really hard for deposits. It's hard enough to be a young adult in today's world.
Living rent free at home is saving them about £10k a year each.
That said, if I still had a mortgage myself or was struggling financially, then I would ask them to contribute.

The point(s) @EarthSight is that the mum has already saved her daughter thousands in living costs over the last 18 months.

(Probably as much as £18,000 assuming she wouldn't rent a single room at the very bottom of the market. That's almost half a deposit, or a quarter of one in London.)

And mum is prepared to go on doing this including the boyfriend staying over indefinitely.

This will enable the daughter to save, I would expect, something in the region of £1200-1500 a month that she wouldn't be able to do out in the London rental market.

I'd just be grateful in her position.

And way too embarrassed to ask my single mum near retirement who has had to cut her hours at work to subsidise me.

Especially if it's because I haven't been saving enough over the last 18 months.

£500 sounds reasonable to me, if including food, bills and boyfriend!
Don't reduce it if you don't want to and you think you will end up feeling resentful... sounds like you possibly do already, going by the doormat comment?
You don't mention what it's like having your grown up daughter and her boyfriend around. Apart from this financial issue, is it working for you?

@coffeeaddict77 I admit I didn't really see her age so maybe you're right.

@VanityDiesHard

I have assumed she wouldn't rent a single room at the very bottom of the market for £1000 a month because of the boyfriend staying so her rent would be more like £1200-1400 a month for a double room in a nicer house or flat, plus food, laundrette, washing powder etc on top.

End of the day you are both adults and she earns more than you. You BOTH should benefit from sharing as adults. She gets to save by paying less rent, win win. You also should be better off not worse by sharing with another adult. You should be able to save up towards pension or general savings.

she can’t play the but I’m your child card and walk away with tens of thousands that could have been shared towards both your futures. Especially as her earning capacity will keep going up.

You don't know that the daughter won't then help her mother out in her retirement. It would make sense to save the money now, property prices are only going to keep rising. If the OP helps her daughter now, her daughter will be better placed to return the favour in the future than if the OP is stingy now and the daughter misses out on a house. Quid pro quo.

This is a perfect example of the way Mumsnet has become now. Some of the replies, like this one, have gotten so dramatic and exaggerated and completely dismisses the entire context of the OP. What's 18 got to do with anything? The daughter is 26 and earning more than the OP. It's as if you're reading an entirely different thread.

£500 wouldn’t get her a room 8n anywhere shared in London, plus the bf stays 2-3 nights?! Who’s paying his use of water/electricity/food when he’s at yours?

Are you making a profit from your daughter? If so I would agree to reduce the rent.
I would personally only charge my children for what it costs for them to be there. I can't imagine that would be anywhere near £500.

She's trying to save for a deposit not splash out on a holiday. House prices are so high and home ownership is so unattainable compared to previous generations that I don't see why you would not want to support her if you can.

Is your daughter taking you for a ride?

Christ, I'm glad I don't have this relationship with my own mother

Amazing how selfish so many parents are

If it was my daughter I would want to help her in any way I could

@Firefly1987 I know right

And they're going to wish they didn't have such a transactional relationship when they're old and need help themselves

I live in London and honestly I envisage that the ONLY way that my children will ever be able to afford their own home is to live with us whilst they save for a deposit. In a way I feel privileged that we have a house big enough for them to do that, and that we live close enough to the city that they could live here and earn well in London whilst doing so. It's what everyone who has adult children that might be in a position to buy their own place does ime. So if it was me, and I could afford it, I'd only be charging them what it actually costs for an extra person to live in the house on bills, food etc. I'd then be encouraging them to save as much as possible so that they can buy as quickly as possible. If you can't afford to reduce what you charge then you can't do that, but what will you do when they do move out, get a lodger? If you can afford to reduce it to help your child, it's what I'd do.

If it was me i would only charge for what she was actually increasing my bills by. so council tax, water, food (if she eats with you) and energy. i wouldn’t ever charge my child for a roof over their heads

DD lives in London and in a shared house with friends , they each pay approx £1000pm plus bills. This is in Clapham.

OP is probably not feeding the BF. It also is likely that the DC sleeps at his house sometimes. 200 pounds a month would be a high council tax. If OP is a homeowner you would expect house to be well insulated and heating costs not that high assuming it is not a huge house.

@monyk12 An almost retired nurse has a salary that is approaching £57,102 and that is just for a basic nurse with no additional qualifications.

A full time band 5 nurse that has more than 7 years experience is actually on £34,581.

https://www.nurses.co.uk/careers-hub/nursing-pay-guide/

No OP is not talking about her DD "like you're doing some stranger a favour, or you're running a business"

Once again, Mumsnetters being dramatic and exaggerating things. You totally made that up.

I find the whole concept of charging your adult children rent very odd. My Ds and his GF lived with me for 18 months while they saved for a deposit. They bought their own food and paid towards the increased bills but nowhere near £500 a month. I see on MN so many people who have had help towards house deposits from their parents, I couldn't do that,so letting them live here was my way of helping them out.

This is a really good point. If you own your home OP, it's largely by luck of the year that you were born. Those of us who benefitted from cheaper house prices can harp on about "working hard for it" and "making sacrifices" all we like, but most if us wouldn't be able to buy for the first time at today's prices without significant help from someone. You're in a position to help your daughter, help her. As much as it's not right that we're turning into a nation of homeowners through family wealth, and those who will never own, that's the reality. Do you want you daughter to be in the second camp? Even if she works her socks off for years and years living on the bare minimum, she'll likely never have enough saved to own anywhere if she's renting in London and has no inheritance. Help from family, one way or another, is now how people buy houses, at least in the South East. What may have worked in the past though working hard and scrimping and saving, won't work anymore for most. I don't think it's right at all, we should have a massive social house building programme imo if we're ever going to fix the broken housing market. But it is broken and it's not getting fixed in the near future, so I'd 💯 help my child if I could, and I plan to.

@Ohlookwhoitis

Once again, Mumsnetters being dramatic and exaggerating things

Same person -

You totally made that up

Ok then 🤔

How are you going to manage after retirement, if you're renting? How are you going to manage after daughter moves out, even if "eventually"? I think your first point of call should be to a financial adviser. Because it doesn't look like you're making ends meet.

This.

If she's a crap saver anyway and is always trying to live beyond her means, I'd be less inclined to help, but otherwise, I'd only charge what it costs to have her there as an extra person living in the house, no more, no matter how much she's saving by not living in regular rented accommodation.

Hear hear!! I hope the OP reads your fantastic post and takes it to heart, rather than heeding the bitter moaners who only care about what they feel they are owed.