Adult child not wanting to pay their way

[Cazzalou]

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

But the OP is helping out her daughter? Living with her and having the boyfriend round several times a week, I am sure the OP would rather not have that loss of privacy

The DD would have no chance of saving without her mother's help.

The OP even said that she would love to be in a position not to charge her DD anything but she can't afford it.

Of course parents should help their adult children but they aren't obliged to empoverish themselves.

OP isn't giving her child money so is not the "bank of mum and dad". If anything her daughter will be helping her mum's finances (if op charges more than the extra costs)

And I don't understand not wanting to help your kids! Why have them if you aren't going to help them?

The OP has already probably saved her daughter over £18k in living costs and is prepared to go on doing that indefinitely.

I would certainly class that as help.

Seems excessive, especially if she is buying her own food. Doubt her energy, water etc would be more than an extra £150-200 a month.
Lots of people talking about how much cheaper it is than a house share, but….so what? It isn’t a house share, it’s living with her family.

I didn't say she shouldn't charge anything. I just wouldn't charge more than the extra costs. Seems odd that OP isn't in a position to do that given she will have to when her dd moves out

Presuming OP daughter doesn't have any DC then 500 from a teachers salary should leave enough to save. Maybe work out the difference in bills with her living with you and BF half of the week and charge her that. At the end of the day OP you deserve not to scrimp, nurses hardly get paid millions!!! I have 4 DC and when they get older we can't afford to give them each a deposit but they can live with us and contribute to the bills and food which is far less than renting somewhere but adults paying their way in some form is part of life.

I have to say that I think you're being a bit mean. How did you manage before she moved back in?

I don't find it at all hard to believe that these are the extra costs - it depends. If the council tax is high, the DD has expensive food tastes etc

But she isn't only saving £200 a month, or shouldn't be. The DD is a teacher. She 26 so if she's been a teacher since she was 22 she will take home easily £2000 and probably more. Plus the London weighting allowance - ironically to help towards the fact that living costs are higher than elsewhere.

So she takes home £2000 as an absolute minimum. £500 of that gives her a roof over her head, heating, lighting, food, hot showers etc - everything she needs for daily living. So I would rather hope that she's saving a very significant chunk of the £1500 left over after she's paid her mum.

I think the dilemma isn’t just financial. Having her boyfriend stay up to 3 times a week is a bit of an intrusion? This could be the situation for years ?

I imagine the OP got a single person Council Tax discount and didn't have the extra costs of her daughter moving in and her boyfriend staying half the month.

Plus of course in those days, if she needed extra cash she could air bnb her spare room now and then for £100 a night.

The Dd is paying about £115 a week for her and the BF part time, not £125 as other posters have said. As a former accountant, I say she's got a very good deal. As always on MN so many posters cannot imagine that other people have different circumstances and costs, or properly calculate the full cost of things, particularly given the massive increase in energy costs.

YANBU OP.

No I think most kids would be more than happy to help out in the first place if they had kind and supportive parents. It depends if it was demanded of them (depending on the amount as well) or a "well sling your hook then" kind of attitude. In response to that I don't see a point in continuing a relationship, it's kind of ran it's course and it's almost like parents see their kids as nothing but a burden at that point. It sounds like they're the ones done with their kids in that case (the extreme ones that won't help AT ALL I'm talking about) and there is no reason to have anyone in your life if they can't provide love and support when you need it. No one more so than your parents who you didn't choose in the first place. If they see their job as done because you're not a cute kid anymore-well then it seems like both parties would be fine with going NC. Unless the parent is holding out for help for themselves later on...

The woman who gave birth to me, loved me, protected me, and cooked for me should just be dismissed as a nobody because she didn’t let me live rent free in her home?

All that was a choice your parents made, if they hadn't you simply wouldn't have been born and wouldn't have needed any of those things in the first place. Also I'm sure she would've been very sad if she couldn't have had children (assuming she wanted them) and I'm sure most parents think the joy and happiness their kids bring them is priceless. I'm not saying she should've let you live rent free but I don't understand why some parents wouldn't help out if they can, or would seek to profit off their kids. That's what's transactional. It's family FFS.

OP doesn't mention her dd is expecting really expensive food or even that she is buying all the food and the extra council tax won't be that high given it is 25%.

To illustrate this - average grocery bill for two people is about £350 a month, adding in some extra for feeding the boyfriend, it's quite likely the cost of the food alone for DD + BF is £200/month

https://www.nimblefins.co.uk/average-uk-household-cost-food

Then add on £50 a month for the extra council tax.

Then utilities which vary a lot depending on how well insulated your house is/your usage, then wear and tear on your home costs, could easily be £500 in total

She equally doesn't say she isn't?

It's all speculation but it's certainly not out of the realm of possibility that £500 is the actual cost.

My dad's an (ex) accountant too so if he says that £400 pcm was what he expected my sister moving in to cost him and it had been an under-estimate then I know he will have carefully worked it out and monitored it.

(And this was ten or eleven years ago.)

How much a month? Admittedly my DC are conscious of the environment but I think most people their age are, regardless of costs.

OP - £500 a month might be 'a bargain', but you're talking about her like you're doing some stranger a favour, or you're running a business.

She's your daughter. Does it really cost you £500 to have her living with you??

I think the same. It's quite a big deal.

Especially as if I'm reading correctly they split up 18 months ago.

To be honest, it's tough luck for her, isn't it. £500 for bills a month is a bargain in London. It's either that, or she goes and lives somewhere on her own and pays treble that at the very least.

Why some people think the world owes them a living is absolutely beyond me.

YANBU if you need the money. Times are hard as it is right now without a reduction in hours, however, if at all possible I would suggest you continue taking the £500 but putting £50 a week in savings for her yourself. Then when she almost has her deposit together, you can gift her the remainder.

Where are you getting 18k from?

On a teaching salary at 26 she should pay the £500, she has plenty left over to save. So many people treat their adult DC like babies and they are totally unprepared for adult life.

YANBU - She’s 26, with a good job and can make an extra £200 a month selling things on Vinted.