Adult child not wanting to pay their way

[Cazzalou]

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

For inclusive of bills this is a very small amount. Especially in London.

I don't think you are being a doormat charging £500 a month for your daughter to live in the family home. Times are hard for young people trying to get on in life.

That being said, if you are struggling financially, I think it is fine to communicate that. If not, I'd happily accept £300 (not including food).

Don't you think it a bit infantalising to save money for a 26 year old rather than let them save it themselves? She is a teacher so presumably is quite grown up and sensible.

@Shouldistayorshouldi

well not really - If she was in a shared house in that area she would be paying more than double what her mum is asking for. shes got a sweet deal - come on, admit it!!?

I’ll be honest and say I think it’s a bit mean of you. I’m assuming you managed when she was living away before so unless you’re planning on a lodger I don’t see why you would insist she pays you £500. If she’s only saving 200 a month anyway it will take years and years and years. Even with two of them saving that it would still take years. I would be inclined to support her in the house purchase if you can afford to. If you can’t, well it’s different. If it’s just to teach her a lesson etc then I don’t think this is the time to teach it!

How would the extra costs be as much as 500 pounds and what difference does it make that she is in London?

Depending on the details I think it's quite possible for the OP to be making a loss.

Prices have increased rather a lot in the last 18 months since this amount was agreed.

Then the daughter is perfectly free to go and pay £1000+ a month for a single room somewhere in a house of multiple occupancy.

The mum has already saved her thousands over the last 18 months. The big meanie.

It's not a shared house though. OP hasn't said she pays a mortgage and it is quite possible she owns the property outright if close to retirement. The daughter living there will be adding to food and energy costs but charging more will mean she is profiting from her child.

Things tend to be more expensive in London @coffeeaddict77 Food, rent, internet, plumbers, insurance, service charges in blocks of flats, everything.

Really? DH don't spend much more than 500 pounds for food, electricity and gas between us so hard to see how one person can cost 500 pounds extra.

I’d far rather help them save for a deposit unless you’re desperate for the money.

OP hasn't said she pays rent. She may well own the house outright if near retirement. Regardless it is a bill she was paying before her daughter moved in and she will be paying it afterwards so not an extra cost. Same with insurance, Internet, service charges., plumbers. Food, gas, electricity are extra costs but not much different to the rest of the country.

So if you added another person you'd need to charge them £250 then? Is that what you're saying @coffeeaddict77?

What if they ate more than you? Or different stuff to you? And the shopping bill went up? What if they cooked more than you?

What if they took baths more than you? Took much deeper baths than you? Stayed in there for ages topping up with hot water? Showered in the morning AND took baths at night?

What if they were at home using energy more than you? Or at different times to you so the heating was on for more hours. What if they liked the heating up hotter than you do? Used the dryer more than you do? Did laundry more than you? Changed their towels and sheets more often than you,

Had a visitor round eating and bathing about 12 days a month?

What if the person left things running and using energy more than you do,

What if the home in question is bigger than yours, draughtier than yours? And costs more to heat than yours?

And you lost the single person discount on your council tax?

It's £500 a month for you two to live exactly as you do. Other people's circumstances vary and lots of little additions mount up.

If she is eating different food to OP she is probably buying it herself. Regardless, I didn't say I would charge them £250. I would look at shopping bills and energy costs and compare to before she moved in before deciding but I would be very surprised if one person costs 500 extra.

I wish I had parents like some of you. I’d just rock up back “home” and announce “I’m still your child” and I could be living the high life!

And I don't understand not wanting to help your kids! Why have them if you aren't going to help them?

I know, it is absolutely weird and a bit absurd. Having children isn't compulsory, but when you do have them, why not help to get them the best life that they can live? I think that too many people on here have taken that tedious 'put your own safety mask on first' analogy a little too literally.

She's 26 she is under no obligation to have an agreement with her mother about how much she saves it's her money up to her what she saves she doesn't have to show her mother any accounts
What is the mother's business is that she recieves enough money from the daughter to cover the daughters and boyfriends expenses whilst living it

And I don't understand not wanting to help your kids! Why have them if you aren't going to help them?

The OP is helping her DC, she could easily ask her 26 year old to move out and then the DC would have to rent a flat with her BF and possibly be trapped renting for years. The DC is a 26 year old professional earning a couple of thousand pounds per month not some young kid.

I would want to do all I could to help my child save for a house. It's a really challenging thing to achieve in today's climate, and I guess what strikes me is that there isn't much sense in your posts of this being a priority for you in terms of something you are really keen for your daughter to be able to achieve.

I also wouldn't feel comfortable profiting off a member of my own family in any way. I'm sure others differ but I just find it very odd to adopt the position of landlord to someone I love.

Equally, I think she should be covering her costs fair and square. So I'd charge her whatever extra it costs for you to live with her, and let her keep the rest to save. You won't be out of pocket, and your daughter will be closer to achieving something many young people now can only ever dream of, which gives her greater security in the future and therefore relieves you of that worry. (My mum is always telling me how incredibly relieved she is that I managed to buy a flat because of how awful the rental market it, and I'm relieved that it's a weight off her mind, too... As well as being relieved for my own sake of course.)

An alternative and harsher arrangement is to look at you both as cohabiting adults, and split the costs of the household in line with earnings, as you might with eg a partner. That's still fair, but I probably wouldn't do it as helping my children achieve security in life ASAP would be a priority to me, but of course not if it comes at risk to your own finances - which only you know the details of.

There gets a point where you suddenly realise that you really need to look to your ever dwindling future. You've done your best for your kids, but if you don't get very suddenly real, and start planning for your old age, you're gonna be so screwed. And your kids, that you've really done your best to help enable them to live their best life, they've got their future ahead, with their maximum earning potential. If you're not careful, the bank of Mum/Dad, can become 'hey, I did everything for you that I could, now I'm screwed, can I come live in your basement?!'

Quite. I am well aware that it has been easier for my generation (x) to buy a property than it will be for my children and if I can help them to buy I certainly will.

For two of them half the week £500 isn’t that bad, but it’s hard out there these days especially for young people trying to start out. If she’s going to save the rest I’d be inclined to agree but I wouldn’t be buying food for the boyfriend

£500/mo for rent and bills is cheap for London already. I was paying that for a room only in a house share about 15 years ago.

If her relationship with her boyfriend is off again on again, I would keep it at £500/mo in case she moves in too soon with the boyfriend and ends up tied to a mortgage with the wrong person! You can always set the extra £200 aside as previous posters have suggested and give it to her once she has bought somewhere as a fund towards furniture/decorating etc.