Adult child not wanting to pay their way

[Cazzalou]

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

You’ve got to love the “teaching her responsibility” like this isn’t a 26 year old who moved back home due to a break up. She’s clearing been paying rent/bills/council tax before 😂

Anyway I doubt ops going to let us know her future lodger plans but I stand by unless she’s genuinely loosing out to the tune of £500 she could let it slide to hell the savings build faster and help her daughter get her place faster.

@Flamingogirl08 this! It genuinely boggles my mind how many people are reluctant to help their own kids. It’s not like she’s living there rent free. London also impacts the daughter too, her own outgoings will be higher, just because she would struggle to rent somewhere else for that amount does not mean it’s the right thing to do.

I personally think kids these days need all the help they can get. And the comment below saying “it doesn’t prepare them for life” is a ridiculous one. Wanting your children to struggle so that they are used to struggling when out on their own is abhorrent. This older generation need to own their privilege that they were able to buy a home. Pretty sure they’re gonna be the same generation that moan their kids don’t visit in their old age then wonder why :/.

Im 33 and a homeowner before anyone says anything. I wasn’t helped by parents or lived anywhere rent free. I did it the hard way, which is precisely why I will be helping my kids out as much as possible.

My adult DS lives at home and pays what he costs me in terms of food, fuel costs, additional council tax etc. Currently this is £400pm which is very good value for two bedrooms and sole use of the main bathroom. A similar house share set up in our local area would be £900 not including food.
Adult children should pay their way imo

I would help my kid with renting a place (guarantor, help with deposit, help sourcing necessaries, getting moved in etc...) but I'm not having them live at home at my expense for an undisclosed possibly endless time 'saving up' (and lets face it with the back up bank of mummy they are never cutting back their lifestyle to save, you'll take the hit not them).

I was a single mam living alone (well with DS) classed as below the poverty line and managed to save a deposit without my parents. It would only get a bare bones basic starter house in a cheap area but thats how life works.

The problem getting on the ladder is not deposit its that the system is fucked to keep the poor poor. With my income despite never having debt in my life, always paying rent of the same amount on time and having saved the necessary deposit myself I didn't qualify for a bloody mortgage due to risk of being a 'single low income'.

Owning a house is a luxury not a necessity.

Having your own space after having raised your kids and not having to struggle to cover the bills of 2 people alone is something you do deserve though.

Wow. 500 a month, from your own child???

We absolutely ask DS(21) and DD(23) contribute to the household. we’re flexible depending on their circumstances but ask for a minimum charge for ALL living expenses including a rough calculation of our labour (the lAndscaping etc) plus a fee for backdated living costs of private school and other big tickets over the years. We sit down once a year together and jointly review and will until they decide to leave

No way, I don’t believe that for a moment. No one would do this,surely.

Ask her if you can move into her spare room and pay her £300 a month once she has saved up enough to buy. You need to save up for your retirement don’t you. Be interesting to see her reaction.

That’s horrific☹️

I think £500 a month is high. I used to charge ds 35-45 per week so hr could save for a deposit. Even then he struggled to save enough.

Keep the 500. It is a bargain.

@Middleagedspreadisreal but shes no longer a child. Would you let a 40 year old daughter live rent free in your house? When is the cut off?

@EF2021

You did it though! A bit of struggling is good and character forming - it gives you drive and ambition. It’s a good thing - young people need it!

If you don't need or rely in the money then I'd still take the £500 but put £200 of it away for her. That way you know it's there for its future intended purpose.

School and big ticket items were your responsibility. Landscaping etc, your responsibility.

I’m support teaching young adults responsible budgeting by charging real rent, but this is ridiculous.

I think it depends on the situation really, I’m this case maybe a bit harsh on the OP as she doesn’t sound able to really help her daughter who is earning more than her.

I think people are confusing the idea of “helping family” with “parents helping kids”… it probably should be that the party who is able helps the other - so parents help their student age children and adult children help their retired parents.

in this case both parties seem quite financially balanced- one owns an asset and the other has higher income, so presumably nobody needs to subsidise anybody.( And 500/mth actually is a massive subsidy. You pay more to live in tiny sh!tty student dormitories in london)
In some cultures you actually start giving your parents money when you start earning a wage, even if you don’t live with them!

I would only charge her for the extra costs which can't be more than £300. I wouldn't try and make money out of my own children, especially nowadays when it is so hard to buy a property.

Do you cost in their births and cost of midwives too?

500 a month is totally fair considering that the boyfriend is staying some night too.

Wrong person. Was meant for whoever said they charge their kids for private educatikn

No, not a 40 year old. But £500 seems a huge amount for any age

Do people really truly honestly believe that parents should live on beans on toast or whatever to allow their adult children to live with them rent free?!

what if said adult child earned 80k per year and you earned 25k would you still see it as your duty to feed and house them for free?!

This is all well and good if it is affordable to you. The difference between someone who is keeping their head above water and then taking in an adult whether their child or not is enormous in costs. In my job I watch parents of adult children lose their home because they can't pay the rent or mortgage whilst their earning kids live for free or next to nothing because they are "their kids." Children need to learn fiscal responsibility and that comes from paying their way. I have seen judges call such children in to court and give them a right dressing do n for being so inconsiderate. So yes they need to save but saving comes after paying their living costs not at the expense of their parents

Not sure how you work out they are financially balanced. If OP has owned property in London for a few years she will have an asset worth a lot of money, and most of that will be due to luck.

Think of it this way, if you reduce it under the guise of helping her save, you will then become hyper-aware of how she spends her money.

500 is a good amount that has worked well and she is technically saving money because you haven't put it up in line with all the other rental properties.

Yes you are being very mean. And she is certainly “paying her way”.