To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

Can you afford to pay for food back at your house? You could ask everyone to bring a bottle. Given it's in May you could have a BBQ, salads, cheese etc and put fairy lights up.

I really don't think you should invite more people to a meal (that you are expecting guests to pay for) than you can fit around a single table. If you can't chat and engage with people then they are simply spending money on a meal for the privilage of sitting near you. Why not host a little house party, you could cheaply cater some salads etc and get in some wine.

Funny how plenty of people think this is cheeky (I would have no issue at all) but often think it's totally fine to expect people who are only friends and not close relatives to travel a couple of hundred miles or even overseas , pay up for overpriced country hotels in middle of nowhere (often involving more than one night) , multiple hen nights etc, etc and occasionally be dictated to on the fact it's 'expected' you will be staying or will wear purple or whatever.

Personally OP I would have no issue at all if it's being kept pretty local

i know someone who did this. It caused all sorts of confusion and lots of people didn’t actually pay for their meal so the bride and groom got left with a much bigger bill than they had anticipated.

they aren’t guests if they are paying for their meal

I think that’s fine but I think you should make clear you don’t expect gifts/money as they’re paying for their own meals.

@Crikeyalmighty good point! A wedding for which your only cost is your tea is a proper bargain

I'd invite who you want to service and say you are going out for a meal after, they are welcome to come but everyone is paying for themselves. Or they are welcome to come to yours later for buffet if they prefer.

You shouldn't worry about this, OP. Anyone who is offended by the arrangement is not your friend - good riddance! All the best for a genuinely happy marriage instead of one that relies on pomp and ceremony to get itself off the ground.

No, it's going to be a sit down dinner.

What a great saying

If it was the wedding of someone close to me and a meal I’d want to go to, I’d be happy to pay for my own dinner!

I wouldn't ask people to pay. But I'm not getting this 'ensure they know they don't have to get you a gift' milarky

As if one trumps the other

If they're close friends you should be able to explain the situation to them, make it clear you won't be offended if they don't come to the meal but you'd love to have them there if they want to, etc. Most close friends will be sympathetic to each other's financial situation. FWIW I would happily pay for my own dinner at the wedding of a good friend. But agree with PPs you'd need to be really clear as it's not the norm.

If a friend asked me to pay for my meal I would be more than happy to, if they aren't then they are not a close friend.

I'd just make the whole wedding super relaxed. If you get the vibe right, you can totally get away with this.

Stress that you want to get married in a super low key way with your nearest and dearest, so guests should come in what they are comfortable wearing, and it's OK for that to be jeans and a t-shirt if so inclined rather than morning dress or something fancy! As you're not having a big do, you're not doing gifts, but anyone who wants to join you for a meal afterwards can pre-pay their set menu order at a cheap and cheerful trattoria by sending £XXX to your bank account, details below. Say you know it's not traditional, but as your loved ones, you know they'll understand that you just want to get married and don't really care about a big shindig.

I'm not a fan of weddings, but I'd definitely go to something chill like the above and not bat an eyelid at paying for my meal.

I think it's fine as long as you let people know. I went to a wedding like yours once and I was happy to get my own food, as we had that expectation. It was a lovely day!

If they are friends then I doubt they would mind paying for themselves. They can order seperately and pay their bill when it comes. Don't get all the people on the thread that expect to pay for everything if inviting others out. I wouldn't expect to pay but then I'd arrange it so that everyone knew that in the first place.

My cousin couldn’t afford a lavish wedding and didn’t want to get into debt for it, they had a wedding ceremony at 6pm with close family then had a wedding party for other family and friends at 7.45pm with a buffet , dj and cake where everyone danced the night away!

one of the best wedding celebrations we have been to.

i wouldnt ask or expect guests to pay for their own meal, I’d rather budget and keep my numbers to parents only to pay for their meals.

Why would that be a guest's only cost? Just because it's a register office doesn't mean people won't have other costs e.g. hair do, nails, etc.

I've been to many a wedding, big and small - there're always costs as a guest.

Yes that's a really nice way of putting it.

I mean, I wouldn't mind paying for my own meal at all but this is just a nice elegant way of putting it & people can still choose to buy small gifts if they would like to.

Tbh I think many people would be relieved to just attend the ceremony and go back to the house for festive mingling, toasts, a glass and a slice of cake. Have some nice jazz music or something on in the background from a phone and bluetooth speaker, and away you go. Nice couple of hours and then job done.

Those who feel like partying can tag along to the pub. Would it be a private room or just catch-as-catch-can in terms of seating at the pub? Or restaurant..

Fine by me, I’d be happy to pay for my own meal as long as the cost was reasonable. I’d say to everyone absolutely no need to bring a gift as you realise that it’s not the norm to ask people to pay for their own meal but funds don’t allow you to pay for them but you wanted to invite them but fully understand if they would rather not come or just come for drinks

Ditch the celebratory dinner and ask the family members who offered to pay to pitch in a bit towards food/room hire costs, and ask everyone to bring their own drinks and celebrate.

People go to weddings for the people, not for the food, and everyone will save loads by buying their drinks from the supermarket.

If you decide to do fizz, cake and snacks this would be the perfect wedding in my view. I hate the hanging around, the speeches, the endless dinner courses and formality.. A twinkly drinks party sounds awesome to me.

I think it's absolutely fine. I would be happy to do this for close friends x