To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

If I were your friend I'd be happy to pay and sad if you thought you couldn't imvite us just because of cost.

I wouldn’t have done this myself however at the same time if a close friend explained to me the situation I’d be completely fine with it. As others say as I’d emphasise that as they’re paying for their meal you don’t expect gifts or a strict dress code (ie spending £££ on outfit).

We had a very small wedding and had a two to three course meal (depending on the person) at and bought drinks for 15 people. Bonus was it was at a rural country pub with stunning views. Our ‘reception’ cost about £650 in all. Bargain IMO.

You know your friends and family best.

It's your big day and you decide what happens.

However there are quite a few suggestions on this thread that I would consider.

One of the best weddings I went to was for a couple who had a simple service in a local church, then hired the village hall for afterwards. Family and friends decorated it and every guest brought a dish (no present rule - just bring a dish and a bottle of what you'd like to drink).
Even dogs were allowed!
It was lovely and they are still married many years later.

Oh course it’s fine. It’s not like you’re having a big lavish wedding then serving up hotdogs- this is far worse than your situation imo.

No friend would mind this.

congratulations

Asking others to pay at your wedding meal is crass, regardless of the "circle". I have never been asked to pay for a wedding meal in my life and I am very far removed from "rich" circles!

Your idea of a ceremony and then back to yours for a party sounds terrific to me, I love a wedding that is that relaxed, intimate and special!

If you can get a later slot in the afternoon and it is a relaxed smart/casual attire do, then even better. A marriage is a special day to spend celebrating with family and friends and you don't need to spend a fortune to do that! It is the people you spend it with that make the day not all the expensive bells and whistles.

Think it through then tell you family/friends what you want, don't let their well intentioned suggestions confuse your plans/budget and have a great day!

Remember this is MN, not your friends.

You know your friends. Your friends love you and want the best for you. And want to celebrate with you. If you feel that way, then it's likely your friends do too. We often make friends with those similar to us.

There are some weird people with weird thoughts on MN. Listen to you and your gut over MN opinion.

I was originally going to say YABU but since it's not a formal wedding venue and instead some pub grub at a local hotel, I'd say it's fine.

Are they invited to the ceromony at the registry office?

Anything is fine as long as it's clear in advance.
I'd be fine with this as a guest as long as i knew

Really? In Scotland (20 years ago anyway) you got a drink on arrival and wine at the table. Free bar wasn’t heard of.

I wouldn't mind this at all - and would prefer this option and help celebrate the wedding rather than just drinks after. Maybe you could give both options- we will be going to such and such for dinner at [6pm]. The menu/prices are attached if you would like to join. Alternatively we will be in the bar/home for drinks after from [time] if you prefer to join us then. Let us know.

If your family are determined to celebrate with a meal out, can they foot the bill for others to celebrate with you?

Hmmm.it sounds a bit tight.

Of course, you can ask. Just be clear why. State " instead of a wedding gift we would ask you to pay for your meal as we are on a very frugal budget but would still love you to share our day with us"

God no!

There are other options.
A party at home with nibbles and normally people would bring a bottle.

You can invite your family and close friends and pay for them, but do something different for the others.

I've been on the other side of this with 'zero birthdays' from a close friend. Invited to a posh restaurant, then realised we had to pay for our own meals (and often it was averaged out between everyone there, often with more money than us.)

Surprised by how many people think this is cheeky: that's tantamount to saying that if you can't afford to spend thousands on a wedding you shouldn't celebrate with friends. Or that they only want to share a special moment with you if it involves a free dinner. You're not talking about a cast list of hundreds so it's not like you're trying to go for a big lavish celebration you can't afford... it's a nice dinner for close friends and I don't think that's unreasonable!

I'd much much share in the day and pay my own way than not be involved because of the couple's budgetary reasons. I think an elegant way to do it as suggested by PP is to request no gifts. Also important to share the menu in advance so people know how much they are in for. Much more environmentally friendly for people to contribute towards dinner than be bought stuff you don't need.

So I think it's fine but obviously likewise you have to understand if anyone can't afford to attend if the menu is pricy.

You will also need to think about how to deal with splitting the bill. We did a 40th birthday meal where we had a set menu at x price, to reduce confusion about the bill. You still need to think about how to handle drinks... some people might want to be on the champers while others drink Diet Coke...

Agree with the PP who adviser budgeting for a little wiggle room on the bill... there are always people who forget to add service etc!

PS The pub function room idea is nice but even that adds up to thousands if you live in a major city.

Unreasonable. Don't invite them out if you can't pay.

I think its so rude and cheeky plenty of social clubs you can hire for a small fee and get a buffet style food for the fraction of the cost. Its not fair to put the cost on the guests.

I don't think this is ideal. I think you need to provide something if possible- how many guests are you thinking? A few plates of nice sandwiches? Slices of pizza? It doesn't need to be expensive. People don't expect much.. just be clear what they're getting.
"You are invited to join us for a celebration drink and nibbles following our ceremony at xyz."
I would be happy to attend a party like this. I would also probably attend if I was asked to pay for my meal but I don't think it's quite right if I'm honest.
If your family want you to have a celebration dinner and are happy to pay, would they consider chipping in for something instead of their own meal- a few canapés and a bit behind the bar maybe?
Congratulations and I hope you have a lovely day.

I don't see it as much different to 'we are going out for Bob's birthday, you're welcome to join us but it's pay your own'

I think a small no frills wedding, with a 20 guests it would be absolutely fine.

A big white wedding with, photographers, wedding cars, and 100 guests paying their own is cheeky.

If you do, go for a meal it goes without saying your should probably buy the first round.

I'd much much share in the day and pay my own way than not be involved because of the couple's budgetary reasons. I think an elegant way to do it as suggested by PP is to request no gifts. Also important to share the menu in advance so people know how much they are in for. Much more environmentally friendly for people to contribute towards dinner than be bought stuff you don't need.

It's presumptuous to expect a gift! Couples in their 50s have everything usually (and two of them!)

It's the same point saying come for our wedding meal but pay for yourself. Someone might not think anything of £100 a head (depending) and another friend might not be able to afford it.

How embarrassing to be shown a menu in advance and realise it's all beyond your budget.

And then have to make up a feeble excuse about not being able to come.

Weddings are funded by the couple. If you can't afford to do that, don't do it and do something different.

You shouldn't be expecting or extracting any money from any guests at all. The treat is on you, or not at all.

I’ll be honest, I would absolutely love this.

Im bored shitless of identikit weddings with set menus of food I wouldn’t choose that think they’re original because they have a sweetie cart and a scratch card for a favour.

Id also be really upset if I knew friends were embarrassed to ask me to share their event because they couldn’t afford to. I’d be quite happy to pay for myself. There’s something horribly transactional about the current expectations of wedding/gift exchange that leaves me with a sour taste.

I would however expect it to be relaxed and enjoyable with no hanging around for hours for photos, brief speeches if any and no bloody slosh please!

@Maireas yes by ‘tea’ I did mean sit-down meal. Just thinking that that costs here could be negligible when compared to other more full-on dos.

I think it’s fine! I went to one like this years ago, it was a couple in their twenties with a young child so money was tight, they hired a pub (reasonably priced nice food from what I remember) and asked that people could pay for their meal instead of giving presents. There was an evening reception too. It was a lovely day and I didn’t mind paying at all!

if it was a close friend then I’d be completely happy with this.

but the buffet at home might be easier to manage…..

I'd agree that very close friends presumably will understand your situation. Make it casual but clear so that they don't feel obliged either way

It's not quite the same though is it?

Couple in their 20s and a couple in their 50s?

And it's a posh dinner not a pub.