To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

To be honest it's much better value for the guests than a wedding in Ibiza/Barbados where guests have to pay for a whole holiday yet they get the wedding food for free!

I think your last idea was the best; scrap the meal and have a finger buffet with drinks at your house.

Really? You'd pay for all drinks all night?

My best bit about a wedding is seeing someone actually get married. So would prefer to be at the registry office, than just turn up at your house to have nibbles and a drink in the evening.

Is there a nice, reasonably priced restaurant near the registry office?

1000x this!

My two favourite weddings have been this style. My second one where we did this (and covered the bill) and my friends wedding where we covered our meal. They were ace! Really chilled experiences, got to pick what food I ate and it was just a celebration of marriage without all the pomp and ceremony.

@Ericaequites

Cut your coat to fit your cloth. If you can’t afford to pay for dinner, serve punch, cake, and sparkling wine only. Asking people to pay for their meals is not appropriate

Completely agree with this. You have the wedding and celebrations you can afford.

If you can’t afford it then by all means do something small with just witnesses. Then celebrate afterwards where people pay which is more acceptable. Asking guests to contribute towards the actual wedding day is a no.

I think this would be better. But if you really want a meal, be upfront about it (you could say in lieu of gift), but definitely say you don't want any gifts!! I personally think if you want to do something then you should be paying for it, but if you can't afford it then cash bar is ok. But definitely say you don't want gifts

It would not be a problem for me. I'd want to know in advance but I very much prefer celebrating a friend and paying my own way than my friend not celebrating because they can't afford to pay for everyone. I'd go even further and say that I wouldn't mind if they chose somewhere special - I want the people I love to be happy and spending more so that they can have a little treat wouldn't be an issue for me.

I would be totally fine with paying for my own meal and would rather pay than miss out. Just be honest and say 'our families are really keen to have a meal out, but as we're on a frugal budget they're happy to pay for their own meals. We'd love you to come too if you're happy to pay for yours'.

We went to a wedding like this recently and we’re much happier to pay than to miss the wedding tbh.

Friends said to us “we can’t afford a meal. Family have decided we’re going to X place and they’re all paying for themselves. I don’t want anyone to be offended at not being invited because we’re not hosting them!”

She was then delighted when our entire friendship group said “can we do the same then?” Nobody had an issue with it at all, but then there’s no hatred of weddings in our group like you often see on here.

OK you are being unreasonable. Finances were tight when my husband and I wanted to get married plus we were trumped by his brother announcing just before us that he was getting married! We had a quiet registry office wedding with 6 guests and went out for a restaurant meal we paid for everything. For the larger/ wider family group we had a party at a later date.
Weigh up your reasons no one needs to send thousands on a wedding and if money is tight make the right choices.

If they're close friends they'll know and understand. I certainly wouldn't lose a friendship over something like this. And it's awkward having to tell them, but I'd rather a good mate wasn't out of pocket.

I don't think you can ask them to pay for their own food.
Not on.
They'll still feel they have to get you a gift too.
I'd just do platters of finger food in a pub later for the friends.
Or better still can you have a party that evening at your house or someone else's house?

I would scrap the entire meal element and host a post service toast and a few bowls of snacks. We would pay for the first drink or stretch to two if you can and invite family and friends too.
You can have a cash bar afterwards.

I would then have a candle lit dinner with dh somewhere beautiful and an early night!

I would feel uncomfortable asking guests to pay, but I wouldn’t mind being asked and would gladly pay!

I’d do what several of my friends have done which is immediate family only for meal and a party for everyone else at a later date.

I would hate it if a good friend didn’t invite me to a celebration because they couldn’t afford to, and if I found out they’d toyed with asking me to pay for my own meal but chickened out which meant we’d all missed out on celebrating together id be gutted! Provided I had the funds I’d be delighted to pay my way.

if some acquaintance invited me and wanted me to pay I’d not be delighted but that’s coz I wouldn’t have been delighted by the invitation whoever was paying.

Do your friends a favour and invite them.

I think this is one of those instances where I would have no problem doing it for a close friend but would never do it myself.

One of the best weddings I went to was when we were invited to service and then a pub later that evening - a group of us planned to go for a meal inbetween and have good catch up - then to wish the bride and groom all the best in the evening - they were clear on the invite due to money this was the plan.

No. That is simply not on. If you can't afford it don't do it. Can't you have a buffet somewhere. It's really stingy asking folk to pay for their own meal.

I think it's a lovely idea. I'd be delighted to join you on that basis!

I think the buffet at home is a much better idea. Even if it’s just “come back afterwards for Prosecco and a sandwich”, it’s inclusive and festive. And - as a pp mentioned - there’s no scope for the ructions about who pays what which you often see on here. Do you split the bill? Does someone pay for you or do the guests split yours between them? What if someone suggests that but one friend doesn’t want to and feels bounced into it? How do you split the bill
so that your friend’s other half doesn’t feel miffed that he’s subsidised Aunty Janet’s third cocktail? It’s a minefield at the best of times and arguably even more fraught in a wedding scenario. Far better to invite people to what you can afford. Congratulations,though, whatever you choose to do!

As a friend I would rather see the ceremony. Can you do that, followed by a festive DIY appetizer buffet with champagne, and then those who want can follow along out to dinner?

What distances from home/registry office/pub etc. are we talking?

The invitation could read:

Join us for wedding of blahblah blah at 2pm on xx date
Champagne reception and hors d'oeuvre 3-5pm at the home of xxxx

All welcome to join the bride and groom at the Fox & Lamb from 6pm - ?
(view menu at xxxx.com ~ separate checks)

I'd keep a spare hundred quid or a credit card handy in case any particular guest misunderstands and you have to pick up their tab discreetly at the pub, but most people should get the drift, or it can be made clear via word of mouth at the afternoon reception.

For the reception, cheeseboard, crisps and dips, pigs in blankets, crudite, olives/pickles, nuts, maybe a warm brie if you have the capacity, plus champagne, beer, Coke, tea would be plenty. And a nice little cake.

If you don't want to do the pigs, a cold sliced ham and some good bread or rolls or croissant is elegant and goes well with champagne or beer. You don't have to serve a million things, in fact simpler is more elegant. Anyone should be able to make do with a small ham sandwich, a few slices of cheese, the odds and ends. It's just a snack. (btw ham and havarti cheese on a croissant is a taste sensation and I can vouch goes well with fizz!)

If even that is out of the budget, there is nothing wrong with just the wine, beer, a cheeseboard and some nuts. Your family should be able to help with that. Get more champagne than you think you'll need.

For close friends who understand your circumstances (and are not guilt tripped into feeling it's mandatory) I think it's fine. If a close friend asked me to pay for my own meal after a small ceremony, I'd be there with bells on, whether I'd been to the ceremony or not.