To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

Honestly @fml666 if I was invited to a really good friend's wedding and they told me they were having a meal after at a local restaurant but they couldn't afford to pay for the meal - I would totally be fine with paying.

Friendship trump a £30 meal.

Just being upfront with people about the arrangements so they can decide whether to come to the meal or not is key.

Why not just ask everyone to bring a dish?

I'm from an ethnic background where I think this is far more normalised to ask people to bring a pot of stew, someone brings the rice, someone else brings a barbeque or curry chicken etc etc.

And asking everyone to bring one thing they enjoy making anyway is actually really nice. You get to taste what everyone brings, talk about it, ask for a recipe, etc. It's less formal and more intimate. Just ask everyone back to yours to crash and celebrate and bring a dish and a good wish!

I think it’s fine, but I’d be super clear and give option to just meet for drink after. And make it easy to avoid difficulties. Like a set menu and they TRF money in advance, both so you’re not out of pocket and to avoid awkward bill splitting.

I think that it is perfectly acceptable to send an invite that makes it clear that the invite is to the wedding which is the event that is being celebrated. Add an extra note that says that after the ceremony you are going to x place for a drink and the cake and you'd love them to join you there. Say that after that some of you will be staying on with your families to eat a meal and that anyone who wants to join you will be very welcome but that sadly due to financial circumstances you can't pay but if they want to stay on there is a set menu (please keep it reasonable) and you would be happy for all/anyone to stay but totally their call as the main event is the wedding and the drink/cake afterwards

No harm in asking, just be honest but understanding it they decline. I'd avoid anywhere too expensive and make it local too.
Maybe make it clear no gifts are expected.

Exactly. We just want to be married, not to have a "big wedding."

Ive been to a 40th birthday party where everyone was asked to bring a dish - there was a list with dishes and how many the dish should cater for. It worked really well. Not one person had to do much catering and there was a table at the venue to put the food upon when we arrived. The venue was a pub that didn't sell food so drinks were purchased at the bar.

Weddings to me should be about friends and family coming together to celebrate and bring food can be part of that

Why not have the ceremony then head home for buffet and drinks with everyone? If you go for a meal most of them won’t want a buffet after. You’d also be paying for your meals then for buffet and drinks to provide at home. Skip the meal and the family that are so keen to celebrate with a meal can take you out on a different day to celebrate. It’s your day so you and DP decide what’s best for you

If the meal is optional then it's fine to ask people to pay. For example "I'd love for you to attend my wedding, starts at ...., followed by a couple of complimentary drinks and snacks. Afterwards we are heading to .... for a meal and drinks this will be £... per head if you would like a dinner but its completely optional"

I don't think its necessary to explain things are tight, people can put 2 and 2 together.

Or you could do the ceremony buffet on one day and family celebration meal on another

I would do this for a friend, because I’d want to celebrate their union.

I don’t think YABU.

I think it's a bit crap TBH. And I say this as domeone who's wedding cost about £500. We eloped.
My sister didnt elope, but hired a registry office and village hall and hired a van to do a booze run to France to buy mountains of beer and wine, and provided the food too, and her wedding cost £2000.
Weddings are a hassle to attend (hotels, accommodation, childcare, dog sitters) and I wouldn't bother if I was paying for my meal.

If they’re close friends and they know of your situation I think asking them and making it clear you’re upset about not being able to afford it but would love to have them around as long as pay for themselves then it’d be fine. To be honest sometimes I’ve given a present that I wished I hadn’t anyway in a wedding so I think if close friends were in this position I’d more than happy pay for my meal

Oh god MN is mental. Thread after thread bemoaning expensive, over the top weddings, destination travel, extravagant themes, hen nights etc.

But a low key celebration in a local venue has the etiquette crew reaching for the smelling salts, because of a a meal payment. You'd drive two hundred miles and stay in the Bristol Premier Inn for twatty Sandra's wedding but your close friend having a local meal is a no go because you have to PAY FOR IT.

What kind of empty, hollow person would rather miss their close friends wedding than pay for an ordinary dinner out?

This is a great idea - hire a village hall.

I am sure people would love to contribute

In that situation I wouldn’t mind paying for food to celebrate with a close friend. If you were inviting 120 people at an exclusive venue and having a wedding with all the bells and whistles then I’d be seriously pissed off at being ask but for a small intimate wedding I think it’s fine.

Nope can’t do this. Terrible idea irritating how people expect others to want to attend a wedding enough to pay!

There is a really big range of income in my friendship group and I can't think of a single person who wouldn't be absolutely delighted to be invited to another friends wedding meal and happy to pay. Honestly, if they are close friends I can't see the issue.

I would love to be invited to that! Ifijdsome of these 'ooohhhh not the done thing' responsesto be really sad. To rather stickwith some outdated covention than have the day you want with the friends you want. Find thepotential venue and the set mealcost, spend the potential buffer cost on a few bottles of wine - and tell your friends that you would love them to come to the day, including cominng on to dinner at x place at y cost if they can. Agree that sounding out the closest friendsfirst will give you a better idea of how your group will feel about it than a bunch of randoms on the internet

I’d rather be invited to the wedding and pay for a meal than be an after thought at the cake/drinks at home. Feels like a late arrival.

This is a great idea - hire a village hall

Just NO! OP wants to save money and hassle and not organise Aunty Janet’s favorite sponge cake or Uncle James who can’t cook!

At least everyone can order their own food at the pub.

The only thing I will warn you about is splitting the bill. I was at one party like this and people had calculators out adding up what they had and there was still a £200 deficit at the end. There were drinkers and non drinkers, it all got very awkward. The hotel could have a set price meal which would be great and then everyone just goes to the bar for drinks.
Personally I would do the buffet idea but that could cost you more in the long run unless you ask people to bring food which I would find hard to do.

Uh really?!? Mumsnet is not representative of real life that much is obvious. Expecting people to pay to attend a wedding?!?!

I think it's perfectly fine, lovely even, as long as its clear that they are invited but can decline, that they aren't subsidising anyone else and that you don't expect a gift as well.
Most people end up spending a fortune on gifts outfits transport and accommodation....just to get a "free" meal
And informal celebration with no pressure is fine.

I think it’s fine. I find it very odd how there are very different social conventions for different events eg if you invited ten friends on a hen do then it would absolutely be expected that they’d all pay for themselves and it is even quite common for the hens to split the cost of the bride attending too. No one bats an eyelid at that or says “if you invite them on a weekend away then it’s cheeky to ask them to pay, you should be paying for it yourself”. So why is it the opposite rule for a wedding day? Only thing I’d do is make sure I chose somewhere not too expensive. People might not be able to afford to come if it’s going to cost £50+ per head. Invite them and if they don’t want to spend the money then they’ll say no, simple.

@MorrisZapp put it exactly right - I LOVE you