To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

Well, then it would efficiently filter out those who were going out of 'politeness'/for a free feed, and leave only those who genuinely wanted to share the day with good friends, wouldn't it.

This exactly. I can't imagine being affronted or offended about it.

Sorry but I think this would be an awful thing to say. Talk about advertise their hardship!

I think a meal is the least a couple should provide... otherwise what are they 'guests' of exactly? An event they've entirely had to pay for!? (Because they will undoubtedly have to pay for drinks as well).

OP - Invite family for the meal, then close friends for drinks after. But NOT to a meal they have to pay for...

Yes, this is good.

A mingling cocktail buffet is more festive and fun anyway, than being trapped in a chair at a meal.

You could decide your venue, and ask for vouchers for example!
Just like a wedding gift. People gift what they can.

If that’s still too much hire a village hall and ask everyone to bring a dish.

I'd find that more cheeky tbh

I'd have no issue with paying for myself. It's basically just like going out with your friends for a meal and everyone paying for themselves.

It’s fine. No one HAS to go.

Given how much money people end up spending on other people's weddings, between outfits, gifts stag and hen dos (which nobody would expect the B&G to pay for)

I honestly don't see an issue with sounding friends out.

Sound your friends out.

Bob and I are getting married, can't afford a big wedding. We were thinking back to the house for buffet but my brother thinks we should go to Phil & Ted's restaurant for dinner, with everyone paying their own.
What do you think?

I agree, but I also think it is ok to ask guests to pay for their own meal as long is that is made clear upfront and also in lieu of gifts. I would far rather pay my own way at a meal I could really enjoy, order what drinks I wanted, and toast my friends (even though I'm personally teetotal!) than have 'cake and punch' in some dingy basement. That really isn't a thing in the UK anyway, it is more of a US Mormon/Lutheran kind of deal.

Exactly. I'm surprised that anyone thinks that this is rude. The only rudeness for me would come in if the couple were not upfront about this, so people thought that it was a traditional hosted wedding and then had the fact they had to pay sprung on them as a surprise. However, as it is clear this is not at all what the OP had in mind, I'm really not sure what the problem is. I sometimes think that this site has a real problem with people not reading the OP properly and just shoehorning their own interpretation into what is being said. It isn't even RTFT, more RTFOP!

I got married for the first time at 45. We went to the Registry office and then had Afternoon Tea for 8 close family members.

The following day we held a garden party at home with buffet food and drinks for about 50 people. Biggest mistake I made was not getting help with the catering!

That was over 10yrs ago and I’m still waiting for a honeymoon. 😂

At our age, I’m happy to pay for ourselves for a pub/restaurant meal so if you were a close friend, I’d be really happy to meet you for a meal afterwards.

I’m guessing a lot of the negative responses are from youngsters who still think a wedding requires spending a ridiculous amount of money on pointless stuff and posing for naff photos . 🤣🤣

I think it’s rude!
Get married at registry office then have a party after at a pub with nibbles where you put a sum you can afford behind the bar?

You know your friends better than anyone on here. I would be really upset to have not been invited just because the bride was nervous to ask me to pay for my own meal. Give people the option, I can't beleive anyone would be upset to pay for their own meal.

A meal is no more expensive than a wedding gift

Please ignore all the people who are too easily offended! I think you can be totally upfront with your friends. Tell them the price that the meal will be and if you’re completely honest then no-one will be offended! Your real friends will just be happy for you to be getting married to the person you love ❤️
if someone can’t afford it then they’ll be honest too and join you afterwards for a drink.
Have the best day! Best of wishes for your future ✨
PS. I bet most people would just be relieved they don’t need to pay really expensive hotel fees to stay over and buy expensive outfits and worry about presents!

Question for those who think it's rude.

Why is it rude to ask people to pay their share at a wedding but it's not rude to ask people to pay their share at a hen or stag do??

I absolutely think Op should sound people out - proper meal in a pub or resteraunt - and party back at the house. Then it's just crisps and nuts at the house rather than the stress of catering for a dozen or so folk on your wedding day.

Because when I was asked to do this. There was a hierarchy of guests who did and didn’t pay, felt that I was a self paying guest used as a seat filler . If you can’t afford a big fancy wedding, don’t have one.
on the other hand I have no problem with the happy couple asking for cash and would rather give them £100 instead of a load of tat .

I would absolutely not mind paying for my own meal, I would be pleased to be invited and I’d probably scale back the wedding present or just give a very small token gift.

If they're your friends, they'd understand if you explain it to them that you would like them there and you wouldn't expect a present, but it's fine if they just want to turn up later for a drink. My DH & I were invited to our friend's abroad and assumed we'd be paying for our food. We didn't, but would have been happy to. Enjoy your day x

Theres a lot of shite pals on this thread. Imagine not wanting to celebrate your close friends wedding because you arent getting a free feed?!
Ask them and be clear and honest, I am sure they will be more than happy to pay for their meal or just meet for drinka. And if their attitudes are as awful as some entitled comments, they are awful pals. Just cut them off!

It’s funny the strength and diversity of opinion isn’t it. But to your point that exactly means you probably can’t do what you want as there is a 50% chance you’ll offend someone. I wouldn’t be in the least offended. Subject to it not being hours drive away and super expensive. I’d be delighted to be included and think the invite would need to be clear, we want to get married and we’ll be having a meal after, you are most welcome to join paying for yourself but we won’t be offended if you can’t join. But as I said, so much diversity in opinion!

congratulations when it happens either way OP, I hope you have a lovely day whatever you decide to do.

I would be so happy to celebrate your marriage if I was your friend OP, and would be fine about paying for my meal. We go out all the time with friends and family and split the cost, it would be unaffordable otherwise.

I hate seeing people put themselves in debt for weddings or anything else.

Make it clear you don’t need a present, which after living together and in your 50s you don’t need anyway.

Tell them you are not hosting a trad wedding but you would love them to join you, if they would like to, for a get together.

Don't invite people if you cannot afford to. Just pop down to the registration office if marriage is important to you. I wouldn't expect guests to pay for themselves. It's just cringeworthy.

NB: I had a registration wedding only with DH. No guests. For exactly that reason.

Its the people who are rubbish friends who disagree, only pals with someone for a free meal or drink by the sounds of it 😅

Just invite the extras for a drink in the evening . Sounds like the main attendees are happy to pay for themselves and have already agreed but I wouldn’t invite someone else then tell them they’d have to pay for it