To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

I wouldn't bat an eyelid, if it's a real close friend that I love and I had the money I'd definitely be happy to be there and celebrate their happiness!

I agree with @jollywhite

I'd go straight for the buffet and then have a family meal the next day to celebrate. First meal as a married couple.

How much are you hoping to spend and how many people are you planning to have?

It’s no different to people having a destination wedding and telling their guests if they want to come they will have to book and pay themselves. If they are truly your friends they wouldn’t bat an eyelid. It’s a meal in a pub not a weekend affair or abroad I’m sure they won’t mind. Enjoy your day ☺️

congratulations on the wedding! Im unsure if I find it unreasonable, I see both sides, however my friend ( Used to be much closer years back not so much now) had a wedding and asked people to pay think it was £35 was super tight on money so I just didnt go but if I had the money and was a close friend I would pay if under 50£

I would give them the choice. I'd say "we would love you to come back to our house for a drink, we are going to have a meal in between but this is only because family have insisted as we couldn't afford to pay for this. You are totally welcome to come along for the meal if you like but no pressure at all as I understand its not the norm for someone to pay for their own meal, it's just our circumstances right now but I still wanted you to have the choice and not exclude anyone". I dont think anyone could possibly take offence to the truth if put like that.

'not appropriate', 'Oh God, no' 'wouldn't fly' 'shameful'
And jollywhite,s post is spiteful and ignorant.

I'm feeling more and more grateful for my own friends and family.

I’d be happy to do this if you were a close friend. Can’t see any issue as long as you’re clear on the invites and aren’t going somewhere eye wateringly expensive.

I think I'd make it super simple and set up a gofundme in advance, and state "we don't want wedding presents, but we do need contributions to the cost of the meal. Click here. If you just want to socialise without the meal, there will also be a cash bar on the day" and then set out how much the set menu will be, inviting contributions up to that amount. So people who are also a bit hard up can just show up for the drinks without feeling bad. I doubt you have many CFs who would not pay and still show up for the full dinner.

Yes you are being cheeky! Most people attend events out of politeness as it is and it will likely be the first time they've ever been asked for payment for what you mistakenly believe is the pleasure of this event ( to them its great for you ) you're not loves young dream you can wait intill you can pitch the resources or get some cheaper catering can you imagine what's going to be said behind your back?

I was thinking that too a decent pub could work out cheaper or not much more expensive than a buffet.

I know this sounds daft but food and drinks for a wedding is easily £70 a head. Food for a funeral is never anything like that steak pie or chicken roast dinner for about £12 a head. Might be worth speaking to the sort of places that do funerals.

If my friends wanted to get married and couldn’t afford a meal for me I would be more than happy to pay for my own.

the thought of being with them on their special day would mean the world to me. I would have bought them a gift anyway so this would be the meal instead of a gift.

I just attended my cousin's wedding which was pay your own way. I have absolutely no problem with that. We all paid when we pre-ordered the food from a set menu in a private room in a pub. Everything was clear up front and it would have been fine for anyone to just go to the Registry office if they didn't want to pay. There was no messing about with money on the day as we had paid ahead, people just ordered their own drinks at the bar. I don't see it as that dissimilar to going out for a birthday meal - where unless specifically stated by the host(s) I would expect to pay for me (and a share of the birthday person's bill).

Thanks all. It's looking 50/50 but enough thinking it's cheeky for me to rethink, as I said, I don't want to offend/ upset any of my close friends. The fact that I'm asking this question on here shows that I wasn't sure if it was ok or not. I was just trying to think of a way to be able to celebrate with them too. Prosecco and a buffet at home would do that though, so I think we'll do that and maybe a meal with family on another date.

That’s all well and good but the couple can’t magically conjure up cash to appease their family. I also agree that a wedding involves hospitality and we had a “big wedding” but I wouldn’t have got into debt for it. I would have eloped or gone to the registry office in a nice ivory suit if we couldn’t afford it.

@dimples76 that sounds like a fabulous wedding! Everyone gets to choose what they want to eat and all sorted before the day. I'd definitely be happy with that kind of wedding.

And this would be exactly my thoughts too. I'd be devastated to hear afterwards that I wasn't invited to share their day because they thought they could t ask me to pay for my own meal. But clearly not everyone thinks the same, and I am taking heed.

It’s not typical - but people will understand, and would rather have the chance to celebrate with you.

Just make the deal very clear from the start.

i knlow the plan has moved on now (and i think something back at the house sounds lovely)

but the logistics of "come and pay for own meal" may mean people refuse over bad experiences of shared meals?

Ie - someone insisting the bill is split, or that we'll pay for the bride/groom.

its easier if its clear - food is a set menu, one fixed cost (ideally paid for by bride/groom) and then any extras must be ordered/paid for by guests at the time - ie get drinks at the bar.

I think people are just thinking about what’s conventional.

As long as you explain it clearly no friend is going to be offended (unless you are friends with arseholes) - people close to you would however be sad not to have the chance to celebrate the day with you. (And we are in the middle of a COL crisis, so money is at the front of everyone’s mind.)

The one thing I would say is pick somewhere fairly affordable for dinner.

Something wrong with you, she's inviting close family and friends ... not the typical wedding of 600 random people on your Facebook you might have said hi to once and being upfront about it at first so they have a choice. You may not have close friends and family that want to celebrate your wedding but others do.

Your plan sounds lovely but I would have been happy to pay to attend a close friend wedding. Surely with close friends you can be straightforward and say as much as I’d love to treat everyone finances are tight etc…. But we’d love you to celebrate with us…
i cannot imagine being offended, thinking you were cheeky etc. I mean, surely friends care about each other and think the best?
Im nearly 50 and couldn’t pay for a wedding because sometimes that’s how life is.
i hope you have a lovely time

I think saying paying for meal instead of a wedding gift is fine but make it clear it's a casual affair - no traditional invitation, no super expensive dress etc.

We were invited to a wedding a few years back where the reception was in a very ropey working man’s club and we were expected to pay for our own meal. In hindsight I was a real snob. I got to order what I wanted off an extensive menu rather than a choice of three meals, because it wasn’t an ‘exclusive’ venue, the meals were very well priced and the venue looked lovely inside because the couple had decorated themselves and don’t a better job than most professional wedding decorators. So if I were invited to a wedding meal where I was to pay for my own meal again I wouldn’t hesitate and I would also happily say to the couple ‘we usually stick cash in a card for a wedding but if you’d like us to, we’ll cover your meals too or make a contribution for another part of the day’ because that might be more useful to them!

That said, your party at home sounds absolutely lush and totally like the sort of wedding I’d love to go to!

do it your way - your friends know you and what makes you happy will make them happy!