To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

Honestly, I wouldn’t. I’d just do a registry office and nice meal (with a tiny amount of guests) job if I really had to cut back. The problem with the suggestion of “Please pay for your meal instead of a gift” is that many would still give the £100 or whatever gift and pay for the meal. I would anyway. I’d be fine with being asked by a friend though - just wouldn’t do it personally in my wedding.

One of the very nicest wedding receptions I attended was in a room above a pub with a few platters of sandwiches and hot snacks (sausage rolls, mini pizzas and the like) provided by the happy couple, and the guests paid for their own drinks. Everybody knew what the deal was, nobody cared, it was the occasion that counted. You can make private arrangements for a sit down meal with close family another time (or later in the day) of course, but if you're talking about 30 guests I'd definitely recommend a buffet instead. Plus much jollier being able to mingle with all your guests!

At a push OP, you could arrange a meal with friends if they insist on celebrating but I’d do it for a little while later. I’d prob do a BBQ or something at home though rather than this. I think it’s nice to host in some way when people will inevitably be generous with wedding gifts but just my view.

I've been to plenty of birthday meals where I've paid for my own food. Whilst the norm is that weddings are covered, I'm sure if you are upfront about it and ask for the company / meal payment to be instead of a gift then I would still attend a good friend's wedding on that basis.

I really wanted one but married a devout Muslim so we compromised with lots of Champagne, nice wine at dinner and lots of soft drinks and non-alcohol fizz for drinks reception, toasting etc.

On another point - an at home buffet can be great , informal and often more fun-crank up the music - make it more of a party . I've been to some very expensive but ultimately very staged , themed within an inch of their lives and actually pretty dull weddings with little 'vibe'

Exactly this. Asking guests to pay for their own meal at your wedding is appalling etiquette. I would be embarrassed for anyone who did this. You can't be serious @fml666 ?? Have a cheaper wedding for goodness sake. You can't ask people to pay for their own meal at YOUR wedding.

I thought it was bad enough when someone I know had a wedding at a fancy hotel 4 years ago, and around a third of the guests - about 25 - had to stop over in the hotel because it was too far for them to travel, and they had to pay for their own room. 'Come to our wedding, have a room, but pay £250 for the room!' No wonder so many people can't be doing with other peoples weddings these days.

What happened to a quick Church or registry office wedding with a pub lunch after, and a 'do' in the local parish hall or social club in the evening - with a buffet? All within striking distance of the vast majority of the guests?

The hen parties are the same these days. No drinks at the local pub for a few hours with your mates anymore. It has to be a long weekend in Prague or Paris, that costs the guests nearly a grand each - including travel and accommodation and food and drink.

I would normally say everything has to be paid for at a wedding. However, it seems really fair the way you’ve planned the wedding and if they’re close friends I’m sure they’d understand your circumstances and this isn’t a full “wedding” but rather opportunity to celebrate and have a wonderful time with close friends.

I think your plan sounds wonderful but will you not still be paying for the buffet? That could be quite expensive, no, with prosecco and everything on top?

Some people here are seriously getting on their high horse about it, but there's no one 'right' or 'good' way to have a wedding. Thinking of my own friends and family, I'd be able to talk to them all individually and just say 'we'd love you to come to the ceremony if you'd like, then we're planning on going to [relaxed pub/restaurant] for lunch but, much as we'd love to, you know we can't stretch to treating everyone.'

I think everyone I like enough to invite to my wedding would say either 'Of course, it'll be lovely to be there' or (more likely actually) 'Don't be daft, we'll all club together and pick up the bill as your wedding present.'

I can't imagine anyone thinking it's rude or doing a cats-bum-mouth about it. Maybe I'm extra-lucky with my friends and family.

I thought it was bad enough when someone I know had a wedding at a fancy hotel 4 years ago, and around a third of the guests - about 25 - had to stop over in the hotel because it was too far for them to travel, and they had to pay for their own room. 'Come to our wedding, have a room, but pay £250 for the room!' No wonder so many people can't be doing with other peoples weddings these days.

I don't think I've ever had my room paid for at a wedding, when I was part of the wedding party or as a regular guest.
It's not at all unusual for guests to stay overnight, and usually the B&M let them know of local accommodation, including the venue itself (which is often one of the more expensive options).

Oh I take that back, the last wedding I went to the B&G paid for everything. It was like a mini festival for 3 days. It was amazing and very generous of them.

Absolutely fine, and very refreshing actually!

I wouldn't mind the fact you don't have money if you don't actually want to plan your dream wedding funded by me and the others. If that is the case I wouldn't go. I'm not here to fund your caprices.

Nothing wrong with your request if is a normal not very expensive meal book in advance with an agreed menu or different menus that people will enjoy in your company.

I think your case is the second so I think totally fine by me.

Do you have a pub locally that does finger food?
I think would get that ( sausage, sandwiches, spring rolls, nuggets) for about €8 a head maybe a few balloons.
Everyone will get own drinks could have decent night circa 250 quid surely you would end up with some cash presents to cover costs. Pub might have bit music could get to dance.
I've been invited to those type of weddings and was delighted, less pressure and stress no formal RSVP due to low costs as a guest I've been able to afford give more as present.
Good luck enjoy it.

I think it's fine - it's not a "wedding" but clearly a meal out. It's what a friend of mine did too and it was totally ok. We went to a nice pub. No one baulked, I would rather pay for my dinner than miss out on celebrating a good friend's marriage!

Gosh no, I would never expect an invited guest to pay for themselves. People have their own financial problems and they shouldn't be expected to fork out for an expensive meal just because you choose to get married. They may already have to pay for wedding attire, travel expenses etc. Asking them to pay for their own food as well is just too much.

i’m on the fence

whilst every wedding I’ve been to has provided a meal, I also would be happy to pay. As long as it wasn’t a ridiculously priced/unsuitable menu

its a slippery slope, cause some people may just choose the most expensive or picturesque option for their wedding if they’re not the one footing the bill. It could breed resentment and hamper the guest’s enjoyment of the night if they think the meal was too expensive or unpleasant etc.

YANBU - it’s fine as long as they know the score. We didn’t want the whole dinner thing so paid for an afternoon buffet and hired a small room in a hotel and everyone loved it.

I think the buffet for all is a much better idea. If your home isn’t big enough I’d hire a village or community hall. Ask all you family ( the ones who are happy to pay for meals / drinks in a hotel ) to bring food and drink. You can hire plates / glasses / cutlery etc.

If it’s an informal event then your guests wont feel they have to dress up. And presumably the bride and groom will be dressed casually, no wedding cars, fancy bouquets , low key honeymoon etc.

I think what DOES annoy people is being told it all on a budget and then seeing that the couple have splashed out on things for themselves while ignoring the comfort of their guests.

If you want a luxury wedding but have a small budget you need a tiny wedding.

Very true.
Also all the " omg people are soooo unreasonable, it's fine" posters are forgetting that different generations and cultures will have differing opinions.
In my culture it would be utterly shameful to even consider this,just no.
Providing hospitality, kindness and a good knees up to others is massive
My aunts would pass out 😂

From a boundaries point of view it leaves the Op open to others commenting on their finances, which would not sit well with me.

From an enjoying the day perspective wondering if everyone would pay,all the logistics etc would make me uncomfortable.

None of the above makes me or my relatives bad friends etc

Ouch! I was asking for opinions on my wedding @jollywhite, not my life chances/ success FFS. There are very specific reasons as to why we are struggling financially currently. None of which you have a clue about. But that doesn't stop you being completely judgemental. Glad you're not my friend, anyway.

Oh God, no. Please do not do this. Host a simple buffet at home if you need to. Or maybe some family members could organise this as your wedding present.
But as it stands, you're being entirely unreasonable. If you can't afford a wedding meal, don't have one.

I agree

Get married if you want to, invite people to celebrate with you but you can’t hold a dinner and then ask them to pay. This is having your cake, eating it and asking others to pay.

@fml666 you don’t need a wedding to be married. If you’re really this skint, get married with some key witnesses and have a bite with them afterwards (you pay!) and then hold a gathering with cake and Prosecco or something for your friends

you can’t ask people to pay to attend your wedding.

This wouldn't fly in my family. Cake and punch? We're not Mormons.

If you’re struggling, scale back and do what you can do well.