To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

I was asked to do this at a close friend's wedding but it was at a week known casual chain so turning up with a bride in a white dress was a bit odd and then I found out from parents of the groom they'd given them 5k to pay for the wedding and felt uncomfortable that people were now paying for their meals, it was just a small group at the registry office so I'm not sure where the 5k went, but they did upgrade their quite nice car a few weeks later...
I think if you can get a set menu and people pay in advance it's more seamless than a waitress trying to divide bills on the day.

You could say the family are going for a meal afterwards at such and such place, but this is not part of the wedding invitation. Anyone who would like to join us would be welcome but at their own expense (sorry we're broke!).

It does, this is what weddings should be about, a marriage and all the people you love around you, not all the insta shit thats just for show.

I mean, what does a sweet cart or flower wall actually add to the day? The stress over affording it all that I saw on wedding groups when I was getting married was ridiculous - the flower wall, the doughnut wall, the magic selfie mirror, the sweet cart, the wishing well for cards, there was something else that was really popular at the time too (2019) but I can't remember what it is now, I despised it so much I must have blocked it out 😂

In the end, after many different various types of wedding and number of guests, we had a registry office wedding, in a rose garden, then back to a pub for a BBQ, and 20 guests all in. And it was a fabulous day, we were able to put on a completely free bar as well as the food as we didn't do any of the tat that now goes along with weddings. Smaller is better in my opinion.

Back in the 60s when my parents were married free bars were common in Scotland - being a good host to your guests was more important than a fancy expensive venue, dress etc. Wedding were in local pubs event rooms/lounges which were cheap/free to hire. Dresses were sometimes hired for the day rather than bought.

It became less common as the emphasis on weddings shifted from being a good host to your guests to being all about the B&G's wants, the big frock etc.

I am in my 50s and never (as an adult - so from mid 80s onwards) been to a wedding with a free bar either - it has not been expected or common for some time now.

Free bars were different back when weddings were different.

my grandparents had a free bar at their Scottish wedding, but their wedding had close family and friends only (about 30 guests) and ended at 8pm when they went away for their honeymoon. The meal was a buffet put on by the MOB and MOG.

Different now when you’re expected to invite everyone and their dog for a three course meal.

Absolutely no reason to offer a free bar at a wedding at all. But you need to offer free wine and soft drinks.

She's not getting married in 1950.

Mumsnet really, really struggles to get its collective head round the fact that not all weddings are the same. A wedding isn't necessarily a formal affair with printed invitations and catering and 'outfits'. You can absolutely just phone up your friends and explain what you're thinking, and give them the option of coming or not coming, whether it's for the ceremony only or the reception or a few drinks afterwards or any combination of the above.

You don't 'need' to do anything. The wedding police aren't going to arrest you for making people buy their own glass of Pinot Grigio. You can literally do whatever you want for your own wedding.

I like your updated plan, everybody will enjoy that.

I think the problem with your initial plan was that what you wanted, a hotel reception and formal meal, wasn't affordable. So you'd have been asking people to pay to meet your preference. And clearly paying for your own meal isn't a problem for most people, but there are very few guests who'd actually prefer that over the more informal party you've settled on. Good choice 😊

No you don’t.

And offering free wine and soft drinks (beyond toasts) is basically a free bar with limited choices

Oh hi Bridezilla you and your perfect day eh?

Meanwhile it’s really bad manners to invite people to a party and ask them to pay. If you tried charging people at weddings in France or Italy or the US people would think it very strange.

No it’s not a bar at all. And it’s the spirits that make bars at weddings very expensive - no need to provide that all.

But if you can’t afford to give your guests food and drink then have a smaller wedding.

@ManateeFair ha, so true- there really are some very regimented views on mumsnet. 'This is how it's done' - be it weddings, holidays, childcare etc a wedding can be whatever you want-- if someone didn't want to come because they might have to buy a few drinks or even a dinner- then they really aren't that much of a friend .

Don’t do it , cut your cloth etc. have a BBQ at home.
i went to a wedding where we paid for our places, it was weird. and I felt used. especially iif you pay for some guests.

Think it’s fine if they are fully aware. We all have to understand that even the smallest wedding is very expensive! No reason to not get married though.

Do the American thing and have a rehearsal dinner for family the night before then the at home reception you suggest after.

Informally ask them if they would be ok with it, then send a nice formal invitation to those that said it was ok for them.
I'd definitely have zero issue with it myself, I'd be happy to be there to celebrate as long as I had notice to save to pau for it if I needed to

When we got married we too were skint. We married in a registry office and went for an informal meal afterwards. Friends and family paid for their own and was totally fine with that.

I'd be ok with this, as long as it really is family and close friends only. And as long as the bride doesn't turn up in a £500+ dress.

As others have said, you'll need to make it very clear on the invite. Also, absolutely no presents. I'd also try to stretch to a few bottles of cava for your guests.

Alternatively, book a village hall and bring in caterers. That should be a fairly cheap option.

Apologies OP, just seen your update. That sounds perfect

As long as you’re completely clear and upfront about it, I think it’s fine. They’re your close friends at the end of the day! Surely they will understand if you explain it to them like you have to us. I agree with the PP that you shouldn’t make the invites too “wedding-y” though so as there is no confusion.

Sorry OP, just seen I’m behind and have now read your updates! Sounds like a great plan. You could always have a fancy meal for one of your anniversaries down the line! Congratulations and I hope you have a lovely wedding day 😊

I'd be more than happy with that if the meals were reasonably priced and it was clear on the invite that we'd be expected to pay and also that all the guests were paying for themselves. If you were paying for some guests but not for others then it would be unreasonable. But it sounds like you are asking everyone to pay so it seems fine to me. Genuine friends would not expect freebies from you when times are tight. They would be more interested in seeing you happy on your special day. And you can make it clear that you don't expect gifts, etc.

I think you're doing the right thing inviting people to yours after the ceremony. It sounds lovely!

I think that's really distasteful.

If you can't afford that, don't have that. Just literally tie the knot. My Mum and Dad did that, no meal, no fuss (think they went to the pub after) and have been married 60 years.

It's really not that expensive to do a buffet for 30 people, let's be honest.

You need to get more creative about this, because in my mind, someone in their 50's shouldn't need a present and certainly shouldn't need me to pay for my own food in order to celebrate their day?