Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

558 replies

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

OP posts:
Momtotwokids · 04/01/2024 21:13

I'm sorry that is tactless. If you can't afford to feed people either invite less or just have cake and punch.

justteanbiscuits · 04/01/2024 21:16

If they're close friend's, just explain, give them the option. We've been out with close friends after their registry office wedding and paid for our own meal. B&G bought everyone a couple of drinks. It was one of the loveliest happy occasions. We just loved being there.

tachetastic · 04/01/2024 21:20

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

I think this issue is now resolved, but to add my twopenneth, I think it depends on how you word the invitation. When I first read your message my gut reaction was to say that you cannot call someone a guest and then expect them to pay. However, I think a way around it is by describing what they are invited to.

If you invited me as a guest to a wedding breakfast and I had to pay I would be pissed off. I'm your guest.

However, if you invited me to the service and made clear that this was all, that would be fine. If you also mentioned that there was a self-paying meal organised at a local pub or restaurant and you would love it if I could attend, I would say yes, count me in. Because I am also being given the option to attend the wedding but not the meal. So it's up to me if I come to the meal and pay.

It is semantics I admit, but sometimes how you describe something really does change how people perceive it.

But anyhow, you have your own solution sorted, so ignore me!

byteme1011 · 04/01/2024 21:24

@fml666 i think hosting at home sounds good too, i've been to DIY wedding where it was registry office then back home for a pizza party was one of my favourites (i chipped in too), they are your friends for a reason and i'd be shocked if any of them would be offended by your original plan either. everyone nowadays (or most people!) know the cost of weddings and no one hasn't heard of the cost of living crisis i literally have a budget for weddings this year and i've said no to wedding invites solely because of cost, if your friends are offended by asking to pay for their own meal in lieu of a wedding gift they are not your friends

MistyMountainTop · 04/01/2024 21:25

I think it would have been useful if the people answering this had said how old they were! As a 50 something, I'd be quite happy to do this, most of my close friends that I'd invite would be local, I wouldn't expect them to dress up other than what you'd wear to go somewhere, and the very last thing I'd want would be gifts as I'm constantly decluttering!

Londonrach1 · 04/01/2024 21:27

They expect to have it paid for so you need to be very upfront here

GreatGateauxsby · 04/01/2024 21:28

fml666 · 04/01/2024 20:26

Thanks all.

The furthest anyone would have to travel would be a 90 min drive. A lot are much less, more like 30 mins drive. Registrar's office to our house is 15 mins drive.

This has been really helpful. I totally get the cost involved with attending a wedding, outfit, travel, present, dog sitting, petrol, hotel room potentially etc etc. Therefore I'm going to propose to DP that we invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then all back to ours for Prosecco, lots of other booze plus a buffet with lots of fairy lights in the garden if the weather is kind ( we have a big garden.) I will also stress on the invites that it's an informal invite and people can wear jeans/ pjs/ whatever they've comfy in. I'll probably wear a long, floral maxi dress I already have with a flower in my hair. No formal bridal outfit.

Do t think we'll feel like going out for a meal after we've kicked off our shoes, danced around the garden and had a few drinks. Maybe do it at a later date as a PP suggested.

We can also have our own playlist at home with our favourite music.

Just wanted to say I think this is a REALLY good decision.

and a much nicer “event” than a restaurant meal. It’s the kind of party I like best and I really think you will all have an amazing relaxed joyous time.

we often host garden parties and £200 goes a long way in the Aldi booze aisle…
my DH makes a Spotify playlist and we have a small portable speaker

if you do go for a wedding cake, pretty much all the online supermarket delivery services are not expensive and pretty decent tasting

PeskyPotato · 04/01/2024 21:31

I wouldn't blink twice. I'd rather be invited and pay for myself than not be invited. If a close friend was married and I wasn't invited to meal because of cost I'd be hurt, I'd rather pay for myself and be there.

Humbugg · 04/01/2024 21:34

I think it’s really bad manners and awkward to expect people to celebrate you both and pay for themselves.

do some drinks in a pub another time abs put some money behind the bar for friends to toast you

MandEmummy · 04/01/2024 21:35

So we did this. September 2020 we had 28 of our closest family and friends coming. We had an original wedding booked abroad in Turkey but with covid, it didn't go ahead. So we found a private hire venue (bottom of a boat) paid £300 for it and asked all our guests if they'd like to join us for a meal but they'd need to pay as we just didn't have the funds for it. All 28 people happily paid and never said anything negative. We spent another £200 on a couple of drinks for everyone and that was it. It was lovely and I would do the same for a close family member/friend. Less sure about an acquaintance but those that matter will do it!

LaurieStrode · 04/01/2024 21:39

I think what the OP has decided will be so fun and so much less stressful for her. Home weddings aren't substandard; they were the norm until not so long ago (watch "Father of the Bride," lol) and if you have a big garden and decent luck on the weather, fine.

If it rains, and everyone is squished indoors drinking Prosecco, well, there are worse things and it will be a great memory. "Remember that romantic rainy day we got married and huddled in the kitchen drinking wine and eating cake?"

The main thing is you are lucky enough to have one another; it's more than many have. All the trappings and trimmings can't top that.

Mirabai · 04/01/2024 21:44

CharlotteSometimes1 · 04/01/2024 18:25

I wouldn’t, but I don’t think there should be paid bars at weddings either.

Hello me!

Mirabai · 04/01/2024 21:46

Totally understand the finance issue - so I would be doing a buffet or tea back at my place. The cheapest would be tea, squash, sandwiches, sausage rolls, cake etc - that shouldn’t come to too much.

Leeds2 · 04/01/2024 21:46

It sounds like you have reached a great compromise, and it sounds lovely!

Fwiw, I was once invited to a wedding ceremony and then onto a chain Italian restaurant (maybe Pizza Express? can't remember now) but the invitation made it quite clear that the guests were to pay for themselves. Bride and groom provided wine for the table, a champagne toast and wedding cake. It was absolutely fine, as they were clear about it up front.

LoveBluey · 04/01/2024 21:51

I'd happily attend this sort of wedding. I'd see it more like going out to celebrate a friends birthday at a pub where I'd also happily pay for myself.
I'd rather be part of the celebrations than not be included because of budgets.

Mirabai · 04/01/2024 21:52

Leeds2 · 04/01/2024 21:46

It sounds like you have reached a great compromise, and it sounds lovely!

Fwiw, I was once invited to a wedding ceremony and then onto a chain Italian restaurant (maybe Pizza Express? can't remember now) but the invitation made it quite clear that the guests were to pay for themselves. Bride and groom provided wine for the table, a champagne toast and wedding cake. It was absolutely fine, as they were clear about it up front.

Oh I somehow missed OP’s final post - yes that sounds good - needs some food though.

belgiumchocolates · 04/01/2024 21:52

Good decision OP. Hotel meal and splitting the bill amongst individuals could get messy even if guets are more than happy to pay for themselves.

Your garden buffet sounds excellent , congratulations and have a lovely day

Outthedoor24 · 04/01/2024 22:17

Op if your doing a buffet at home look at some of the supermarkets and find out what they'd cost for sandwich platters.

I'd also ask some of you local pubs and see what they'd charge for a party - don't mention the word wedding - you might get a decent deal and not need to worry about numbers.

goingtotown · 04/01/2024 22:26

I would be agree paying for a meal if the invitation says no presents.

OliveToboogie · 04/01/2024 22:28

I wouldn't I think it's a bit cheeky. Just have them round for a cake and a couple bottles of prosecco after the big day.

BritneyBookClubPresident · 05/01/2024 08:01

TinyYellow · 04/01/2024 18:35

YABVU. Hire a function room at a pub and do a buffet.

If that’s still too much hire a village hall and ask everyone to bring a dish.

Or if you don’t want to spend anything, get married with a couple of witnesses and tell people you’ll be in X pub afterwards if they want to join you for a drink to celebrate.

But whatever you do, don’t choose a fancy hotel and then expect your guests to pay for it.

This

BritneyBookClubPresident · 05/01/2024 08:03

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:59

And yes, of course I would have made it clear that paying for own meal was in lieu of presents. Still, I think the buffet at home might be the best option. If we're struggling financially it's fair to say some of our friends will be too.

The only drawback to family only at the ceremony, meal for family, then buffet/ drinks at home is that ideally we would have liked friends at the ceremony too, but what will they do until the buffet at home? Unless we scrap the meal completely and just go straight to the buffet/ drinks at home for all...

I think you should scrap the meal with family and have a party at home for special friends and family.

BritneyBookClubPresident · 05/01/2024 08:05

Bellyblueboy · 04/01/2024 19:49

i know someone who did this. It caused all sorts of confusion and lots of people didn’t actually pay for their meal so the bride and groom got left with a much bigger bill than they had anticipated.

they aren’t guests if they are paying for their meal

@Bellyblueboy that's awful!

Did people leave not understanding they had to pay?

BritneyBookClubPresident · 05/01/2024 08:08

fml666 · 04/01/2024 20:26

Thanks all.

The furthest anyone would have to travel would be a 90 min drive. A lot are much less, more like 30 mins drive. Registrar's office to our house is 15 mins drive.

This has been really helpful. I totally get the cost involved with attending a wedding, outfit, travel, present, dog sitting, petrol, hotel room potentially etc etc. Therefore I'm going to propose to DP that we invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then all back to ours for Prosecco, lots of other booze plus a buffet with lots of fairy lights in the garden if the weather is kind ( we have a big garden.) I will also stress on the invites that it's an informal invite and people can wear jeans/ pjs/ whatever they've comfy in. I'll probably wear a long, floral maxi dress I already have with a flower in my hair. No formal bridal outfit.

Do t think we'll feel like going out for a meal after we've kicked off our shoes, danced around the garden and had a few drinks. Maybe do it at a later date as a PP suggested.

We can also have our own playlist at home with our favourite music.

Sounds lovely!

pilates · 05/01/2024 08:36

Brilliant update I’m sure it will be a great day 😀