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Original poster

To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

558 replies

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

OP posts:
TheFireflies · 04/01/2024 20:34

Westfacing · 04/01/2024 19:54

Why would that be a guest's only cost? Just because it's a register office doesn't mean people won't have other costs e.g. hair do, nails, etc.

I've been to many a wedding, big and small - there're always costs as a guest.

Show quote history

Getting your hair and nails done is a personal choice, not a requirement

FlamingoQueen · 04/01/2024 20:34

I would love to come to your wedding! It sounds awesome.

burnoutbabe · 04/01/2024 20:35

I attended a low key wedding where we had to pick 2 courses off a menu in advance -a reasonable local pub -I reckon it was probably £15pp

Everyone went to the bar for own drinks.

That was fine -we were "hosted".

So paying for a set menu lunch for your 30 people -maybe £600?

LaurieStrode · 04/01/2024 20:37

fml666 · 04/01/2024 20:26

Thanks all.

The furthest anyone would have to travel would be a 90 min drive. A lot are much less, more like 30 mins drive. Registrar's office to our house is 15 mins drive.

This has been really helpful. I totally get the cost involved with attending a wedding, outfit, travel, present, dog sitting, petrol, hotel room potentially etc etc. Therefore I'm going to propose to DP that we invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then all back to ours for Prosecco, lots of other booze plus a buffet with lots of fairy lights in the garden if the weather is kind ( we have a big garden.) I will also stress on the invites that it's an informal invite and people can wear jeans/ pjs/ whatever they've comfy in. I'll probably wear a long, floral maxi dress I already have with a flower in my hair. No formal bridal outfit.

Do t think we'll feel like going out for a meal after we've kicked off our shoes, danced around the garden and had a few drinks. Maybe do it at a later date as a PP suggested.

We can also have our own playlist at home with our favourite music.

I think this sounds utterly charming and festive.

Though I wouldn't discourage people from dressing up. That does add something to the day, if everyone is presenting their best (whatever that may be).

I'm sure people will be happy to bring fizz and other drinks, and perhaps family will help with the array of food. You can get serving pieces and vintage-y linens, if you like, in charity shops. And source fairly lights and other fun things in the interim via Freecycle and the like.

May is a beautiful month in the garden, weather permitting.

You will have a lovely day and no money woes!

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/01/2024 20:38

Pinkpinkplonk · 04/01/2024 18:28

Could you ask for a wedding reception gift kitty in leui of wedding presents?

A kitty? How that work then?give random mount nd hope for the best. Or give a predetermined amount?

Namerequired · 04/01/2024 20:38

I would enjoy weddings a lot more if they were like this

LaurieStrode · 04/01/2024 20:41

Namerequired · 04/01/2024 20:38

I would enjoy weddings a lot more if they were like this

Me too.

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/01/2024 20:41

i know someone had a lovely wedding as follow
you preordered and paid for meal, they put some wine on tables
or you came after meal had a drink in the venue and mingled
it was super, all guests & respective families happy

Passingthethyme · 04/01/2024 20:42

fml666 · 04/01/2024 20:26

Thanks all.

The furthest anyone would have to travel would be a 90 min drive. A lot are much less, more like 30 mins drive. Registrar's office to our house is 15 mins drive.

This has been really helpful. I totally get the cost involved with attending a wedding, outfit, travel, present, dog sitting, petrol, hotel room potentially etc etc. Therefore I'm going to propose to DP that we invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then all back to ours for Prosecco, lots of other booze plus a buffet with lots of fairy lights in the garden if the weather is kind ( we have a big garden.) I will also stress on the invites that it's an informal invite and people can wear jeans/ pjs/ whatever they've comfy in. I'll probably wear a long, floral maxi dress I already have with a flower in my hair. No formal bridal outfit.

Do t think we'll feel like going out for a meal after we've kicked off our shoes, danced around the garden and had a few drinks. Maybe do it at a later date as a PP suggested.

We can also have our own playlist at home with our favourite music.

This sounds amazing, you can always arrange a food truck for later or else order casual catering. Love this plan! Have fun!

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/01/2024 20:42

Your garden wedding and buffet sounds really charming, go for it

Alwayswonderedwhy · 04/01/2024 20:46

I wouldn't have an issue with this at all as long as i knew the cost in advance.

Sebsaloysius · 04/01/2024 20:47

fml666 · 04/01/2024 20:26

Thanks all.

The furthest anyone would have to travel would be a 90 min drive. A lot are much less, more like 30 mins drive. Registrar's office to our house is 15 mins drive.

This has been really helpful. I totally get the cost involved with attending a wedding, outfit, travel, present, dog sitting, petrol, hotel room potentially etc etc. Therefore I'm going to propose to DP that we invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then all back to ours for Prosecco, lots of other booze plus a buffet with lots of fairy lights in the garden if the weather is kind ( we have a big garden.) I will also stress on the invites that it's an informal invite and people can wear jeans/ pjs/ whatever they've comfy in. I'll probably wear a long, floral maxi dress I already have with a flower in my hair. No formal bridal outfit.

Do t think we'll feel like going out for a meal after we've kicked off our shoes, danced around the garden and had a few drinks. Maybe do it at a later date as a PP suggested.

We can also have our own playlist at home with our favourite music.

This sounds like a wonderful time and a perfect way to celebrate your wedding! Can I come, please?

LetsGoOutside · 04/01/2024 20:48

I honestly don’t get why this should even be an issue.

If me, my husband and friends where all going out for food we’d pay for our meals. Celebrating a new marriage with friends would be another great reason to go out. I wouldn’t mind paying at all if you were are friends.

Congratulations and enjoy your day.

Gemstonebeach · 04/01/2024 20:48

I wouldn’t have an issue with this. One of the best weddings I have ever been to was friends who had a child very young and then got married at 21, the ceremony was in her mother’s lovely garden and we were all asked to bring a plate of food for dinner instead of a gift and it was an absolute feast.

Mooda · 04/01/2024 20:49

Sounds lovely OP. Congrats and have a great day!

Jill23 · 04/01/2024 20:50

Just read your update - sounds really lovely. Plus - that sort of format means that people get to mingle a lot more freely and you’ll really get the sense that they’ve all shared your day. Sounds wonderful.

tkwal · 04/01/2024 20:50

I'd invite them to the meal but let them know they would be paying for their own in lieu of a gift or if they don't want to do that, you'd be delighted for them to join your celebration later in the evening ?

NotFastButFurious · 04/01/2024 20:50

fml666 · 04/01/2024 20:26

Thanks all.

The furthest anyone would have to travel would be a 90 min drive. A lot are much less, more like 30 mins drive. Registrar's office to our house is 15 mins drive.

This has been really helpful. I totally get the cost involved with attending a wedding, outfit, travel, present, dog sitting, petrol, hotel room potentially etc etc. Therefore I'm going to propose to DP that we invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then all back to ours for Prosecco, lots of other booze plus a buffet with lots of fairy lights in the garden if the weather is kind ( we have a big garden.) I will also stress on the invites that it's an informal invite and people can wear jeans/ pjs/ whatever they've comfy in. I'll probably wear a long, floral maxi dress I already have with a flower in my hair. No formal bridal outfit.

Do t think we'll feel like going out for a meal after we've kicked off our shoes, danced around the garden and had a few drinks. Maybe do it at a later date as a PP suggested.

We can also have our own playlist at home with our favourite music.

Sounds perfect!
I’m sure folk will bring a bottle or two and maybe family would help with the buffet?

TiaraBoo · 04/01/2024 20:51

I think receiving an invitation in the post from a friend you don’t see often saying buy your own dinner is different to a good friend phoning you up or saying in person that they can’t afford to host a wedding. That’s why you’re getting mixed responses.
Sounds like you’ll have a fab day!

AutumnVibes · 04/01/2024 20:55

I think this sounds lovely and I’d be well happy to be invited to that. No stress or formality and all the people you like. Most people will bring a bottle or two anyway I’d have thought and make sure to cater in a low key and fun way, don’t put any pressure on yourself. Our wedding was v chilled and lots of people said it was the most fun they’d had.

ladygindiva · 04/01/2024 20:55

Pollyannamex · 04/01/2024 18:25

I think your close friends will understand as long as it’s made very clear in advance.

is it possible to pre order a set menu, and can they go up to the bar to get their own drinks? It could be chaotic when the bill comes otherwise.

perhaps you could stretch to a few drinks or some wine for the table as a gesture?

I know many people on here will say ‘if you can’t afford to host them don’t invite them’ but I’d be happy to do this for a friends wedding - I’d raise an eyebrow if the bride turns up in an expensive dress though 😂

Yup I came to say exactly this.

Ottersfortea · 04/01/2024 20:56

I think it sounds great. I have been to low key weddings and far preferred them to some of the seemingly expensive ones. Thinking about it I’ve been to some brilliant low cost weddings. Funnily some were low cost because the couple are just not into anything flash. Luckily this meant no 5 days in a foreign country for the hen do either! More like a meal and a gig and a minibus home.

I think it depends on your social circle too. I have friends who are in great jobs but part of a ‘scene’/subculture. So saying ‘hey I’m on a budget but do you fancy a meal afterwards’ would be fine as people don’t seem to be so judgemental.

With regard to splitting bills I’ve noticed a nice cafe near us has a till that now allows the order to be split when you pay. I managed to watch the waitress use it and it was so easy to do. Maybe with cost of living crisis restaurants etc may need to ensure their tech/system is capable of doing this. We returned to that cafe as a group of 11 for afternoon tea last month as we knew it was easy, despite it not being the closest to us. I don’t like my friends having to subsidise me if I choose to order a more expensive meal. People finances vary and you don’t always know who is struggling.

Sallyh87 · 04/01/2024 21:04

Sounds like a good solution @fml666, and a great party!

chaosmaker · 04/01/2024 21:06

housethatbuiltme · 04/01/2024 20:26

It comes off rude to be honest, you can host parties cheaply but to invite people to an entirely 'you' centric event you need to actually host them in some capacity.

Many venues offer free hire as long as your guest use their bars, buffet food can be cheap especially if you hold the party at a non meal time and just provide DIY snacks (we did for our engagement party buffet part was like £50, lots of desserts and picky bits).

The sit down meal for our wedding cost under £250 (£6.95 pp) and venue hire was free (a stunning venue too)... just took some shopping around.

In etiquette the minimum you need to offer is cake and tea/coffee but that was in the day of traditional receptions held at the church and only lasting an hour at non meal times not several hour events crossing dinner time etc...

Rude? How?

Orangeandgold · 04/01/2024 21:12

I don’t think it’s a good idea as your wedding ceremony - guests should be paid for. However why don’t you just get married, have a small one with family and they can pay for their meal if they are happy to and alone your circumstances. Then why don’t you do a separation dinner inviting friends. It’s not a wedding reception but more of a catch up and everyone can pay for themselves.

I know - weddings are expensive but I would happily just do the registry bit and maybe save to do a reception later on down the line if it’s important. Unless you are very very close and you mention that you are doing something small then it could work.