To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

Why not - if people can’t afford to fund it, what should they do?

I think if you are not offering food make it really clear you don't want gifts.

We had this situation several years ago, XH's friend got married and they only invited us for drinks in the evening as they couldn't afford for many to go the wedding meal. XH said then that he would have happily paid for his own pub meal if it meant attending their whole wedding.

Presumably you would be asking very close friends who would want to share the day with you. It's all very well saying go home for a buffet, but then you are stuck with the tidying up and clearing away etc before and afterwards and you still have a cost for the food and drinks.

I think you do need to ask them verbally though as things can come across wrong in text and email etc.

If I had a close friend getting married and the choice was no invite or pay for your own meal, then I would happily pay for my own meal.

I think anyone who would be offended , would not actually be a close friend of yours. At the end of the day only you know your friends and how they might view this.

People happily pay for new clothes, shoes, hair, nails, suits, hotels, gifts etc to attend a wedding. If it was casual dress and pub grub and no gift (as their present is their presence!) then that should cost them less overall than a fancy wedding with a free meal!

I agree with PP that your friends would have to be pretty shallow to not want to enjoy your day with you just because its not a fancy wedding with a fancy meal.

@Westfacing yes i guess that’s true. Was just thinking if no hen dos/gifts/hotels then that’s pretty low key/cost

Not everyone buys wedding presents for older couples.

Not out of meanness, just not knowing what to buy.

That's why it's not right to say No present, just pay for your food'

But looks as if they OP has found a solution.

I know what I would do. I would ask all of my guests to bring a food offering instead of a gift and that way you have a ready made party that costs absolutely nothing. You can offer a glass of fizz and enjoy your day. Maybe light a fire pit and music on. Celebrate with loved ones. Don’t let a lack of funds stop you 🥂

I think you should book a set meal, and when you invite people and tell them they will need to pay, tell them the price. This way, they know what they are committing to.
I would also emphasise that as you are not providing a meal, you don’t expect any gifts.

I would be a bit wary of this as a ‘guest’ otherwise - as how do I Konica if my meal will cost £20 or there will be a bill-split of expensive dishes and I will be paying £150?

The alternative is to re-think your location and choose a village hall or similar where you can provide a buffet for your guests.

You can ask them to pay and I expect good friends will be willing to do this and understand. However, what would be nicer would be to ‘cut your cloth’ to what you can afford and provide your guests with something simple. To be honest, if that’s what you can afford, that’s what you probably should have.

Similar happened to us last Saturday, my friend's son invited us to his 60th birthday party in a pub restaurant. We had to order in advance, but no one mentioned we would pay for ourselves, until we came to leave. They simply said, don't forget to pay at the bar before you go, shock horror between us all. That was after having brought a very expensive experience present as this is a man who has everything.

Ghastly behaviour!

I think this is fine, especially in the current climate.
In my opinion it’s in how you deliver the message - we’re planning to get married, very low key. Family are getting together for a meal afterwards, not a wedding breakfast (everyone is paying for themselves & it’s just a chance to get together) and you’re more than welcome to join us but we won’t be offended if you can’t afford it right now.

OP, just seen that you’re considering a buffet at home for friends.

I think that’s a good idea. Or your alternative if scrapping the meal so you can have friends at the ceremony and going straight to the buffet at home sounds good too.

You’re right that being married is more important than the party. Don’t delay getting married because you can’t afford the big party you might like in an ideal world. Quite possibly, good friends would love to see you get married, so for them, being at the ceremony would be important and if everyone then went to the house for a buffet/drinks or whatever, people would enjoy that.

If you wanted a family meal out , maybe you could even do it the night before?

You could consider a village hall if space would be tight. They can be hired very cheaply and the buffet could be exactly what you’d provide at home. Just a possibility.

I think it’s nice to provide whatever is available and not ask people to pay for a meal, especially if there’s any chance the price wouldn’t be clear beforehand as that can be a source if anxiety for people, especially if like you they might be struggling a bit.

Enjoy your wedding and being married.

I'm sure your friends know your situation

Just be honest on the invite so that they have all the facts when they decide if they are able to attend or not

Thanks all.

The furthest anyone would have to travel would be a 90 min drive. A lot are much less, more like 30 mins drive. Registrar's office to our house is 15 mins drive.

This has been really helpful. I totally get the cost involved with attending a wedding, outfit, travel, present, dog sitting, petrol, hotel room potentially etc etc. Therefore I'm going to propose to DP that we invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then all back to ours for Prosecco, lots of other booze plus a buffet with lots of fairy lights in the garden if the weather is kind ( we have a big garden.) I will also stress on the invites that it's an informal invite and people can wear jeans/ pjs/ whatever they've comfy in. I'll probably wear a long, floral maxi dress I already have with a flower in my hair. No formal bridal outfit.

Do t think we'll feel like going out for a meal after we've kicked off our shoes, danced around the garden and had a few drinks. Maybe do it at a later date as a PP suggested.

We can also have our own playlist at home with our favourite music.

It comes off rude to be honest, you can host parties cheaply but to invite people to an entirely 'you' centric event you need to actually host them in some capacity.

Many venues offer free hire as long as your guest use their bars, buffet food can be cheap especially if you hold the party at a non meal time and just provide DIY snacks (we did for our engagement party buffet part was like £50, lots of desserts and picky bits).

The sit down meal for our wedding cost under £250 (£6.95 pp) and venue hire was free (a stunning venue too)... just took some shopping around.

In etiquette the minimum you need to offer is cake and tea/coffee but that was in the day of traditional receptions held at the church and only lasting an hour at non meal times not several hour events crossing dinner time etc...

One of the best weddings I ever went to was two really skint friends. They wanted their closest friends at their wedding and party afterwards but were really skint (registry office wedding, second hand dress). They just phoned us up and asked us please come, no presents, just pay for your own dinner (order from a menu in restaurant). There was a party at a friends house afterwards. It was brilliant! I remember we even had to get the public bus from the registry office to restaurant (including bride and groom). The best man even announced their arrival on the bus - 'can the top deck please be upstanding for the bride and groom' then they came up the stairs and everybody cheered! 😁

I loved that wedding and remember it much more fondly than any of the posh, perfect (bride and groom leaving by helicopter etc) weddings I've been to. Although all weddings are lovely.

Each to their own but I personally don't agree with or understand it. We had a tiny wedding (£2.5k for everything) but even we managed to pay for everyone's food and drink. Would've felt weird / rude otherwise.

They really aren't nice people or close friends if they take offence and wouldn't just want to go anyway to celebrate with you (obv if they can afford it of course)

Sounds lovely. This is a wedding I'd love to go to. Hope you have a wonderful day and a happy marriage!

Just seen your update, that sounds lovely op!

This sounds like a lovely compromise 🥰

I am really surprised so many posters think it a bad idea.

I think it is a great idea and would be more than happy going for a meal with friends. Much much nicer to spend money on a nice meal than a present.

As long as you make it clear I bet most, if not all, of your friends would be happy to help you celebrate your wedding

I would rather go to a village hall or home, right after the ceremony, and be asked to bring a bottle of cold champagne or some cheese or whatnot, than be excluded from the ceremony and asked to join a self-funded pub meal later.

If there aren't those obnoxious delays for photos, etc., it is quite festive to go right from the vows to toasts and cake. I attended a wedding not long ago that was on the grounds of a university; ceremony outdoors and then right on in to where wine, beer and soft drinks were already laid on, and a small trio playing music. Ten minutes from "I do" to glass in hand, everyone still high and happy from seeing the vows instead of weary and dreary after waiting three hours.

It was a really festive vibe, people danced to the music (1940s swing) with anyone and everyone, gradually more food was produced and then by 5pm we were out of there. Waved away a very happy bride and groom and off home.

Better that than looking at one's watch at 8pm thinking "how much longer?" and "I'm starved.."

Quick registry wedding and then home to a nice spread. Maybe a neighbour could be setting it out while the couple and guests are at the office. I'd happily do that behind-the-scenes work for a small DIY wedding.

Probably already been mentioned but would nearest and dearest do a collection to pay for buffet inplace of gift ?

That sounds utterly lovely op! I wish all weddings were as simple and gorgeous as yours. It’s all about the gathering of loved ones, celebrating your love and enjoying your day.

I imagine it to be magical dancing in the garden barefoot and I feel I would love to come! Your lucky guests! Have a wonderful day and don’t be afraid to ask your friends to bring a dish, I know it would be a great honour if someone asked me to do this

It's fine. Honestly. You can have your wedding however you want it, there are no rules. I would just ask them. Anyone who doesn't want to pay can either decline altogether or meet you afterwards for drinks.