Husband thinks I'd be selfish to go to the wedding

[Ribyloo]

A little context as I know otherwise this may sound odd. I am a teacher at an independent secondary school in the north. A few years ago I was really hating my job, i was teaching three A-Level subjects (Maths, Further Maths and Economics), had 3 small children, my mum was unwell. It was a time where I really wanted to quit and give up.
One student (the only girl in further maths and economics) was in all 3 of my A-Level classes, we developed a positive relationship and I ended up taking up a bit of a pastoral role with her too, she was struggling with her mental health.
She went on to study a related subject at a top university, then a masters and is now in her last year of her PhD in a related field. I've kept up with her progress and as a teacher I think she is possibly the student who I'm most proud of. There were days where my main motivation to go into work was knowing she was relying on me being my best so she could be her best and now I feel like I've seen her achieve that. Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee, when she comes back up north she will pop into see me at work with cakes or a gift and to see her other A-Level teacher. This ex-pupil means a lot of me.
Today I received an invite in the mail for her wedding later this year. She's getting married in London, so would be a case of travelling Friday after work and back up the Sunday. Her other A-Level teacher has also been invited. My children are now between 10 and 16 so don't need me at home as much as they did. The issue is the Monday after I leave to take a group of pupils to Italy for a 5 day trip.
My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

AIBU to go the wedding even though my husband thinks it selfish? Or since she isn't family or a close friend should I put my family first and be there for them?

Go to the wedding. You each deserve time to yourselves. Your school trip is for work. I went on holiday and left Dh with the kids (5 & 10) for 9 days a few months ago. Dh went away with BIL a few months before that for a week.

It’s a lovely thoughtful gesture for your former student. I have teachers I have kept in touch with for 20+ years. Some of them have been a tremendous support for me over the years. One who was very dear to me passed away a few years back. I’m a teacher myself now and I could only hope to have a student who thinks that highly of me. It sounds really important to you to be there.

YANBU (and there's nothing remotely wrong with the student-teacher relationship here, either). It sounds as though your husband is almost jealous of you having a friendship if it in any way inconveniences him.

The timing could be better, with the coincidence of the trip to Italy, but since he complains if you go out to lunch, he'd have had a problem with it under any circumstances. He'll be fine, and your kids will be, too. A week isn't that big of a deal, really. With modern tech, you can easily keep in touch with them while you're gone, anyway!

Please ignore the ridiculous safeguarding comments! And GO to the wedding ❤️ How lovely that she thinks so highly of you after all this time, what a brilliant mentor you must have been. Your husband is being utterly unreasonable and it's entirely his issue

Of course go. 10 and 16 do not need any intensive looking after, and your DH should be ashamed. Does he batch cook for you when he goes away? No? Then no need for you to do it either, he really should learn to adult.

He should be so proud of you! What a twit!

Good Christ, what a feeble human being he is. I can completely understand feeling a bit snowed under by the prospect of running the house and family alone for a week. I bet you understand it even more, having done it twice as long, more than once!

But to be resentful of you working is just ridiculous. Or is he resentful of you attending a milestone moment in the life of a person who may well be your greatest professional achievement? Either of those choices says very sad things about him.

As someone else in education there are few things that enrage me more than colleagues who apply their shonky understanding of ‘safeguarding’ and in so doing undermine the whole vital concept. There is no issue with the scenario described by the OP.

Go to the wedding.

Don't batch cook or otherwise baby him

Research divorce lawyers

Go to the wedding, your teaching, made a significant impact on her.
Hope you have a lovely day, and feel very proud!

The stuff on this thread about safeguarding is weird. Obviously any kind of sexual relationship between pupil and teacher is wrong and would be a safeguarding issue but there's no such circumstance here. There is no issue at all with a young person staying in touch with an inspirational mentor who has shaped their life. It's totally normal for mentors and their former proteges to remain in contact and for the latter to want their mentor at their wedding. Sometimes they even ask their mentor to be the one who walks them up the aisle if they don't have a living parent. This isn't a child or vulnerable person, they are fully capable of deciding for themselves who to be friends with and former teachers are not off-limits. There's no exercise of power happening so no concern.

My DH kept in touch with his first teacher from 1955! She was newly qualified and always remembered him fondly. She sent a lovely card when we got married and after that they would exchange a letter every Christmas. They never met again but he was contacted when she died and travelled some distance for her funeral. She was a dedicated teacher who loved her work and kept in touch with many old pupils. She was unmarried so I think their news meant a lot to her in her old age. I thought it was really touching.

Your husband sounds quite mean-spirited.

Is he worried that he won't be able to cope parenting on his own? In which case he definitely needs the practice and he's wasted the last 16 years by not being properly involved with his own children.

If he's worried that the children won't recognise him or respond well to his parenting attempts he has only himself to blame for clearly not being properly involved to date.

If he can't feed his family for a week such that you feel the need to batch cook, he needs to learn where the supermarket and the local McDonalds are.

I saw an insta story over Christmas where the mum was saying if you won't bathe the children because I'm better at it, you need to understand that I wasn't born this way, I learned by doing it hundreds of times. You can too!!

Enjoy the wedding. Hope the school trip goes ok. Reset some boundaries when you get home, weaponised incompetence is so last year... 😈

DH sounds like a total dickhead

Truthfully we have not been told why it is inappropriate or a safeguarding issue. We have just been told it is and that we could face disciplinary for going against the school LA policy. I’ve worked at the same school for over 20 years, so I’m now used to this way of thinking and anything else does seem odd.

Go to the wedding.

He’s jealous that’s all.

Your DH sucks.

Op you and your student sound lovely. Go and enjoy!

he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week.

What was your reply when you stopped laughing?

So the work trip is OK but the extra day & a half(?) & couple of nights really tip it over inti too much?

He should be embarrassed.

You don’t sound like you’re very good at safeguarding then. The rules are pretty black and white. As are how they’re applied by the NCTL.

it is inappropriate because of the continued relationship. It would be different if they met later, after the education. OP also helped her in an emotional part of life…talk about room for advantage.

I once sat in statutory safeguarding training delivered by a social worker from the LA who made no attempt to disguise his contempt
for teachers and listened to him tell us that under no circumstances should we offer support to a colleague who was going through a divorce or other breakup as it was A Safeguarding Issue. His reasoning? This was apparently one of the early warning signs that Jeremy Forrest was unsafe to be around children. Talk about conflating correlation with causation. There was an outcry in the room and we were told to leave it as there was no time to debate the point. I, and several others, made formal complaints.

I mention this because there are some really weird messages being delivered to teachers via local authorities with minimal quality assurance and it’s not surprising that in such cases there are staff who developed quite a warped understanding of the priorities of safeguarding. Nevertheless there is nothing wrong with the relationship that the OP describes.

Your husband is the selfish one here. What's his problem with this student? He's clearly taken against her. Jealous in some way?

Well the trip to Italy is work so your DH, who also has to sometimes go away for work, is complaining about a weekend away for a wedding. He is BU.

YANBU but your husband is. Diddums having to look after the kids for a week he needs to get over it

Would that be the NCTL that ceased to exist in 2018?

I suspect my knowledge is a bit more up to date than yours.

Wow, your DH doesn't like you very much, does he.

Your DH is being an arsehole. Definitely go he wouldn't think twice about going away for a business trip. The 16 year old is old enough to help with the 10 year old if their willing to.