Husband thinks I'd be selfish to go to the wedding

[Ribyloo]

A little context as I know otherwise this may sound odd. I am a teacher at an independent secondary school in the north. A few years ago I was really hating my job, i was teaching three A-Level subjects (Maths, Further Maths and Economics), had 3 small children, my mum was unwell. It was a time where I really wanted to quit and give up.
One student (the only girl in further maths and economics) was in all 3 of my A-Level classes, we developed a positive relationship and I ended up taking up a bit of a pastoral role with her too, she was struggling with her mental health.
She went on to study a related subject at a top university, then a masters and is now in her last year of her PhD in a related field. I've kept up with her progress and as a teacher I think she is possibly the student who I'm most proud of. There were days where my main motivation to go into work was knowing she was relying on me being my best so she could be her best and now I feel like I've seen her achieve that. Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee, when she comes back up north she will pop into see me at work with cakes or a gift and to see her other A-Level teacher. This ex-pupil means a lot of me.
Today I received an invite in the mail for her wedding later this year. She's getting married in London, so would be a case of travelling Friday after work and back up the Sunday. Her other A-Level teacher has also been invited. My children are now between 10 and 16 so don't need me at home as much as they did. The issue is the Monday after I leave to take a group of pupils to Italy for a 5 day trip.
My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

AIBU to go the wedding even though my husband thinks it selfish? Or since she isn't family or a close friend should I put my family first and be there for them?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you want to do, with the relationship you have with this ex-pupil, and the plans you've made for your absence.

Literally everyone else, especially your DH, is in the wrong.

I can't see if you've already mentioned it @Ribyloo but has your DH ever gone away and left you for a week (which it would be Fri-Fri) not a fortnight but even if it was, has he ever left you for any significant duration up to this point?

That is a "just because I'm curious" type question.

I'm also in the Team Go group.

Yanbu and your DH is an arsehole.

I’m kind of torn.

On the one hand I can see how this is a nice, supportive relationship that’s been beneficial to the learner.

On the other hand, it’s deeply frowned upon in my school to form friendships with pupils, past or present. We have also had training sessions where we have been asked not to have pupils or their parents on our Facebook friends list or social media. We have also been told not to have past pupils on our Facebook or SM. So, I have got that part of me that now views this type of relationship as inappropriate.

I personally wouldn’t attend the wedding and can’t see a situation where I’d want to. But the way I’ve been trained is definitely influencing that feeling.

Maybe your husband also finds it a bit strange. Or maybe he’s just being controlling or jealous that you’re away for the week.

I agree with you about her husband and I absolutely think she should go.

Why is this particular student so problematic for your DH? I'd really be interested to hear his explanation and wonder if it was someone else's wedding would he have the issues he has (in his head).

I would be as patronising af when he complains.

"Oh are you worried you won't cope on your own? Don't worry, you'll soon get the hang of it, I did haha".

If she is in her last year of a PhD, she's more than 19 yo.

OP ignore the other posters trying to insinuate that it’s inappropriate. I am still in touch with a couple of teachers I had from year 7 through until the end of my GCSEs, one of them came to my wedding and I sadly attended the funeral of another a couple of years ago. I’m in my 30s!

I am forever grateful for the pastoral support that they gave me during some really difficult years and I credit them for my success in higher education. They played a huge role in who I am today and I am so thankful that I had them in my life.

It speaks volumes of you as a person and a teacher that this student is still in touch with you now and involves you in the big moments of her life.

What a lovely invite.

Your DH is being astoundingly selfish. So he's allowed to go away, but you're not?

What does he think will happen with you not there? If he says he doesn't know what he's doing (ridiculous given the age of your DC) he plainly needs the practice!

Please don't let him bully or guilt you into not going.

You are a person in your own right, not just his help-human, is he actually aware of this?

What an entitled knob!

Please show him this thread so he can see what a man child he is being.

This!

My DSD has kept in touch with her A-Level drama teacher since she left sixth form (DSD is now in her early 30s). Her teacher supported her through a very dark time in her life and DSD really appreciated it. They frequently meet for lunch/coffee, she has met DGD several times and in fact is invited to DSD's wedding later this year.

Indeed. But was 19 when the correspondence started. The person who said that was inappropriate was right about the age but still not right about it being inappropriate. I quoted her, but neither of us think the woman is 19 now.

My grandmother would receive letters all the time from former students of hers (high school maths teacher in the USA). She did also attend weddings and see them in person from time to time.

I'm friends with my former HS English teacher.

If I were to add pupils from my primary school to my social media when they ask me to, I could see the safeguarding issue. However, these people are adults, and the only person 'expressing concern' in RL happens to be the one person being asked to do the bare minimum to look after his own house and family for a week.

Enjoy the wedding, OP

You should go. He's an idiot. How wonderful that you've been able to see this young woman be so successful. Go and share in her day!!

I'd bet my house the OPs husband wouldn't have a single thought about the propriety of the relationship if OP was planning on taking the children with her.

There is a certain cohort on MN (they probably regularly name-change) whose modus operandi seems to be to find something (it can be anything at all) to leap on in the opening post and use it as a matter with which to beat the opening poster around the head (they do this even if the poster is extremely upset/ill/in great need).

Shall those of us of a more regular mindset have a pact to totally ignore them? It would really spoil their day :-)

What have you been taught is inappropriate about it? Genuine question. I kept in touch with one of my former teachers and have several friends who did likewise. Clearly a sexual relationship started between a teacher and a recently former pupil would be inappropriate but what’s inappropriate about a platonic friendship? Nobody is being taken advantage of, nobody is using their position for their own personal gain, nobody is being harmed or influenced.

Ir won't kill your husband to look after his own children for 7 days solid. He expects you to take sole care of them when he needs to go away - there is no reason why he can't do similar while you are away.

He's jealous of your relationship with this young woman for some reason.

Go to London. Enjoy the wedding. Go away with your class. Enjoy the trip.

But there is no suggestion that SM is involved here. The only reason we discourage staff having ex students on SM is because it then opens the channels for current students to be able to find/contact them. Ex students after. Have younger siblings/friends still at school hence the reason for this rule on safeguarding training.

It sounds a bit intense. You could keep in touch with the occasional email at one end of the spectrum and then the going to London to meet up, having lunches, graduations, weddings. I can see why people find this unusual although a friend of mine was like this with one of her A level teachers.

I can't see being away for the weekend is a big deal, the trip to Italy is going to be longer, does he have problems with that or just the wedding?

Depends on what the correspondence was.

Some of the younger adult members of my family are still in touch with their former teachers. These teachers have written references for them, answered their queries about certain professions and have helped them sort out volunteer work.

The big joke with one of my family members is one of the their ex-teachers in a senior position is a former school friend of one of their aunts.

Everything above. ⬆

You are both adults now - and are friends. There is nothing inappropriate about your friendship.

She knows that without the support of yourself and the other teacher she would never have achieved what she has; you know the at a time that you seriously wanted to pack in your job, her determination and dedication made you feel that it was worth sticking with it.

TBH - I think that this is lovely. The sort of thing you see in films but very, very rarely in the real world.

Please go @Ribyloo i am in touch with 3 of my teachers from Primary to Secondary!!

These are some of the most influential people in my life!

Bloody hell, those of you saying this is a safeguarding issue need to ask your Safeguarding Leads to give you more training. I used to meet an ex student for coffee when we both found ourselves working for the same council. And he is male and I’m female!
OP, go, clearly this woman thinks a lot of you to have invited you. Ignore your husband, he’s jealous that someone thinks that highly of you.