Husband thinks I'd be selfish to go to the wedding

[Ribyloo]

A little context as I know otherwise this may sound odd. I am a teacher at an independent secondary school in the north. A few years ago I was really hating my job, i was teaching three A-Level subjects (Maths, Further Maths and Economics), had 3 small children, my mum was unwell. It was a time where I really wanted to quit and give up.
One student (the only girl in further maths and economics) was in all 3 of my A-Level classes, we developed a positive relationship and I ended up taking up a bit of a pastoral role with her too, she was struggling with her mental health.
She went on to study a related subject at a top university, then a masters and is now in her last year of her PhD in a related field. I've kept up with her progress and as a teacher I think she is possibly the student who I'm most proud of. There were days where my main motivation to go into work was knowing she was relying on me being my best so she could be her best and now I feel like I've seen her achieve that. Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee, when she comes back up north she will pop into see me at work with cakes or a gift and to see her other A-Level teacher. This ex-pupil means a lot of me.
Today I received an invite in the mail for her wedding later this year. She's getting married in London, so would be a case of travelling Friday after work and back up the Sunday. Her other A-Level teacher has also been invited. My children are now between 10 and 16 so don't need me at home as much as they did. The issue is the Monday after I leave to take a group of pupils to Italy for a 5 day trip.
My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

AIBU to go the wedding even though my husband thinks it selfish? Or since she isn't family or a close friend should I put my family first and be there for them?

Good grief. My husband would be insisting I go without a backward glance, and bending over backwards to ensure everything at home was covered.

Go to the wedding (how lovely that you’re clearly that teacher to her) and enjoy your trip.

Your husband sounds like one of those selfish arseholes so prevalent on MN. And you’re batch cooking to make it even easier for him to parent his own children. I feel for you.

I really hope you go to this wedding.

Your H sounds controlling. Not a good role model.

What a selfish dick. An old best friend of mine was getting married in California. My husband bought my plane ticket as a surprise and looked after 4 children (aged 1-6) for 10 days so that I could go. Not a word of complaint.

Your DH is being lazy & selfish he can be away for 2 weeks but you can't do 1.

Just ignore him.

Perhaps you could help out those of us who are bad at safeguarding by directing us to these black-and-white rules? I have had a quick look at the usual reputable sources, including archived content from the defunct NCTL, and can’t find anything more specific than advice that teachers should exercise caution in contact with former pupils.

@369damnshesfine
Um, I've been friends with someone since I was 19, I'm 35 now, she's in her 50s. I think she might be older than my mum. Nothing weird about it. We've been through a lot together.

For the love of God don’t batch cook for him the weekend before or arrange for friends and family to look after HIS kids for him. What an absolute pathetic excuse for a man. How you managed to muster up the will to have sex with him to conceive 3 children is a mystery.

When he goes away with work for two weeks does he batch cook for you and make sure you have help from someone else?

Go, it’s lovely you’ve been invited and my god I’m sure he can manage for a week

Well said

To be fair ‘he should batch cook before he goes’ is often trotted out on threads where a man is going away leaving his wife, who works, with the kids. Even if he is going away just for work.

Its daft advice either way.

Id go to the wedding. Being away for 7 days is not selfish, end of

YANBU - do it. You have been a wonderful mentor to this girl, it is lovely that you are still in touch

I'm shocked some people suggest an inappropriate relationship. The OP is upset at her husband's lack of support (jealous and lazy).
I'd order Marks ready meals, vacuum veg and they can fend for their selves.
My daughter is friendly with her undergrad lecturer (she was PhD student). It wouldn't cross my mind she was hitting on my DD.
But I can tell you many a Don groped me in the 1980s. It was the thing to be their pet. I just told them to f*ck off.
Go to the wedding OP, my biggest success was a £25k sales manager who became a board member of BP. Now a multi millionaire. I was her mentor for her MBA. I like helping women succeed. People have dirty minds.

Some posters on here are insane if they think there’s a problem with ex students and teachers keeping in touch. I met my male head of year in Spain where he moved to when I went to Spain on holiday. I wrote to him after my son was born (I was pregnant in years 11 and he emigrated before he was born) and we kept in touch for a while. We more recently reconnected on a Facebook group for ex high school pupils and teachers and are now Facebook friends. He’s very proud of the fact I went to Uni and have a good career and if I’d have been in touch then I’d have loved for him to come to my graduation. It means a lot he saw me come through my issues and come out the other side and he was a real support to me. When every other adult was pressuring me into an abortion or telling I’d ruined my life he was the positive voice, I’ll never forget him. Some of you have sad life’s if you can’t see how a teacher can enrich a pupils life and once you leave school there’s nothing to stop you staying in touch. Safeguarding? Don’t be so ridiculous

OP, I have nothing to add about your situation other than you are absolutely NBU and I hope you go to the wedding. If you need to point out the trips your husband has away.

But I also wanted to add that I think your friendship with your ex pupil is really lovely. I hugely valued a couple of teachers at a time in my life when I didn’t have any other adults (I’m not saying this is the same for this young woman) and I think those questioning it are failing to see how important those relationships can be - with appropriate boundaries at school but a friendship based on the importance of that teacher and pupil relationship developing in subsequent years.

Why does he say you're being "selfish"? Attending someone else's wedding, - especially on your own, an when you probably won't know most of the other guests - isn't exactly the height of hedonism. Nor is chaperoning a group of teenagers on a school trip. It seems odd and possibly concerning that he's projecting some kind of motive or feeling or personality trait onto you that you don't agree with. You could just as easily say that his two week work trips are "selfish" - couldn't a colleague go instead? It's a weird oveereach.

I would ask him what the real issues are with your proposed trip - who is being hurt or inconvenienced, and how? - so that you can consider his legitimate objections and try to find a compromise. Tell him to drop the amateur psychoanalysis (or attempted guilt trip) and discuss the matter like adults and partners.

For crying out loud, how incapable is he? My husband and I have each gone away for a week SEVERAL TIMES and managed our toddler and full time job fine independently because we are not useless human beings!

Tell him my husband is embarrassed for him!

Tell your DH that it is a unfortunate that the two things have fallen together but it's beyond your control. This means a lot to you and you'd appreciate his understanding.

Go and enjoy the wedding @Ribyloo . You cannot not go!!

Your husband is an utter selfish DICK.

As for those banging on about "safeguarding", 🙄 This is not a safeguarding issue. Many teachers keep in touch with past pupils. I keep in touch with some of my former teachers, meet with them, my mum regularly sees and chats with her former pupils, hard not to when they all live in the same place.

If you have been safeguarding trained, and think this is a problem, then you did not understand your training.

I'm a former teacher, safeguarding trained and see no issue whatsoever with this.

@Ribyloo I can feel how proud you are of this young woman, and I think it's absolutely wonderful. Please do not let your husband or any negative nellies on this post spoil your special bond.

Truthfully we have not been told why it is inappropriate or a safeguarding issue. We have just been told it is

Lol.

That's just weird and controlling.

I think that it's lovely that a teacher-pupil relationship was so positive, that it became effectively a mentorship and then a friendship.

If anyone has a problem with that - they're the problem.

OP, I have kept in touch with all my former A Level students.
My A Level class at the time came to my wedding.
What an honour to be invited to her wedding. You must go. She wants you there.

Please don't let him get into your head, you should absolutely go to this wedding and do not feel guilty about going.

Do not batch cook for him. Its 7 days, I'm sure he's perfectly able to warm up some meals in the microwave if he can't cook.

I'd be more concerned that your husband is making such a big deal about looking after his own kids for a week. Why doesn't he want to spend time with them?

It just sounds like he can't be arsed to parent so he's thrown his dummy out of the pram and brands you 'selfish' . Then tries to make you feel guilty about this like you are doing something wrong, which you are not and you know this, he sounds like a narc.

Firstly, how wonderful is it that you have taught a young person that appreciates what you have done and has stayed in touch. 😊 Second your husband clearly has a problem with it which it ridiculous, have a good time enjoy yourself!