Husband thinks I'd be selfish to go to the wedding

[Ribyloo]

A little context as I know otherwise this may sound odd. I am a teacher at an independent secondary school in the north. A few years ago I was really hating my job, i was teaching three A-Level subjects (Maths, Further Maths and Economics), had 3 small children, my mum was unwell. It was a time where I really wanted to quit and give up.
One student (the only girl in further maths and economics) was in all 3 of my A-Level classes, we developed a positive relationship and I ended up taking up a bit of a pastoral role with her too, she was struggling with her mental health.
She went on to study a related subject at a top university, then a masters and is now in her last year of her PhD in a related field. I've kept up with her progress and as a teacher I think she is possibly the student who I'm most proud of. There were days where my main motivation to go into work was knowing she was relying on me being my best so she could be her best and now I feel like I've seen her achieve that. Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee, when she comes back up north she will pop into see me at work with cakes or a gift and to see her other A-Level teacher. This ex-pupil means a lot of me.
Today I received an invite in the mail for her wedding later this year. She's getting married in London, so would be a case of travelling Friday after work and back up the Sunday. Her other A-Level teacher has also been invited. My children are now between 10 and 16 so don't need me at home as much as they did. The issue is the Monday after I leave to take a group of pupils to Italy for a 5 day trip.
My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

AIBU to go the wedding even though my husband thinks it selfish? Or since she isn't family or a close friend should I put my family first and be there for them?

I read this earlier and could not stop thinking about it. I had a hard time growing up and the interest of a kind teacher was what kept me going. lt is so special that you have maintained this relationship - and I think your husband is being really nasty to discount it in this way because your plans may inconvenience him. Please go. And hats off to you for being so kind.

And why on earth do you need to batch cook for him? You’re insulting him by insinuating he’s not capable of making the dinner for a week. Is he really that dumb?

I'm wondering if he's actually jealous of your relationship? That or it's just too inconvenient for you to be away any more than strictly necessary. Personally I think that you should go to.

Blimey, 23 year old DD has had dinner with ex A level teachers on numerous occasions. Sometimes 1:1, sometimes as a small group of friends.

I'm frankly grateful that professionals who motivated, educated and nurtured her in her formative years still care enough to enjoy her company and catch up on career and wider life news.

So it's ok for DH to be away for two weeks at time (more than once) but it's not ok for you to be away for one week?
Tell him they are his children too and he needs to be able/willing to take care of them (not that he is doing it alone anyway as your parents are helping him).

I stayed at a teachers house overnight when I had a GCSE exam clash! The alternative was that I stayed in the house on site of the Catholic school I attended with all the retired or visiting Catholic priests who lived there. That lovely teacher did me a huge favour.

If there had been emails to communicate back then I probably would still be in touch with her, she was my teacher in secondary but then my form teacher and teacher again in sixth form. I bloody loved her, she was encouraging and kind. I didn't have any parental input at home re homework etc and she made me believe in myself and I went to university based on that belief.

I think your Dh has just seen that he has to do it all by himself and is getting shitty, worse when you consider he jets off for weeks for work too. Go to the wedding and have a lovely time.

I honestly don't see what's inappropriate about the relationship between Op and student.

Nobody would think twice if Op had mentored a 18 or 19 year old she'd met in a workplace.

It's like that blinkered response that teachers aren't complete people. They are half a person who never leaves the school building.

But she’s not just doing it for herself, she’s going to support her friend on her wedding day. I don’t see how doing a perfectly normal thing like going to a friend’s wedding can be construed as selfish unless every single thing you do for yourself is considered selfish? As far as I can work out her husband has all his limbs and something vaguely resembling a brain, and can therefore manage for a week, especially when his wife regularly manages to be a lone parent for two weeks at a time.

Why does your husband think he is incapable of parenting by himself for a week? Some men blow my mind with their incompetence ( weaponised). Of course you should go! I think it’s wonderful that your ex pupil thinks so highly of you and you should be proud of the impact you had on this young persons life.

Go to the wedding and enjoy every minute!

He frequently goes away for work for up to 2 weeks at a time, I never complain.

I mean, does he have a leg to stand on?!

Don't bend over backwards sorting everything for him before you go, OP. I bet he doesn't sort a single thing for the kids when he goes away.

Why are you responsible for all the childcare logistics and all the cooking?? Please don't batch cook all the food for the week, it's outrageous that he would expect that!

Unbelievable double standards from your husband, what does he say to the question of why it's ok for him to go away but not you? Do you do all the housework as well?

Lol at the 'inappropriate' allegations!

We now have a generation who are only 'allowed' to date people of exactly their own age. Literally - teenagers in schools get called paedo if they date another teenager in the year below or above. They can take puberty blocking drugs and identify as cats, but they must not have a relationship with anyone born in a different year 'cos paedo and creepy and 'power inbalance'.

That has now expanded to all relationships I see. You are NOT ALLOWED to be friends with anyone who isn't exactly the same age!! It is INAPPROPRIATE!! It is CREEPY!!

This is the generation that considers itself liberated...

Please don’t batch cook Op.

I would definitely be going to the wedding and I wouldn't be batch cooking or organising additional childcare help unless DH specifically asked me to. Up to him to sort this out or ask for help.

Presuming he swans off with work without a thought as to dinner plans or childcare arrangements while he's away?

As another A level lecturer, FE college, it's not that unusual!

I've been to 2 weddings and the christening of a very unexpected child. A couple who are aboard also keep in regular touch and often drop in when they are back visiting family.

And I was never rally one of those friendly lecturers. These young adults just decided that my no sympathy, some empathy and lots of straight to the point discussion was what they could rely on and liked.

It does help if you note the age group... they are usually 18 or 19 by the time they leave!

When you had children, he expected it to change your life, and for his life to remain unaltered. He wanted to be able to dip in and out. He likes being able to swan off on his work trips and to only have to suit himself. He is most affronted when you want to go away as he believes children are entirely your problem. I therefore conclude, he’s a selfish cunt.

Please go to the wedding and get the horrible prick’s words out of your head.

Of course you should go to the wedding and on your Italy trip! I have no idea why he has a problem though - from reading your post to seem to have a lovely relationship with your former pupil and I know from experience it can be so nice to have a friendship with a teacher who really helped and whom you respected - so well done!

It may shock your "D"H to know that some women go for even longer than a week on work trips and holidays. And sometimes the DH is left with even younger children that he actually has to look after (tongue in cheek here). With the fact that they are actually your DH's children, and their ages which makes them quite self sufficient and your parent's help I can't see what his problem is!

Of course you need to go and enjoy the wedding with her other former teacher. I'm sure she would be very disappointed if you didn't. Your DH is being very unreasonable. Does he see this young woman as an indication of your success as a teacher and human being and resents it? You can't be controlled by his odd notions and jealousy.

As for those suggesting there is something inappropriate in the situation, that's just ridiculous and horrible to put that slant on it.

How very manipulative and mean spirited of him. Trying to belittle the importance of this young woman to make it sound like you're leaving your children for a trivial reason to shame you into staying. All to reduce the inconvenience on him. You clearly made a huge impact on this woman OP and its lovely she wants to include you in the events of her life. Please go and feel no guilt. You deserve to be there.

“My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week”

Then he’s an idiot 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wow! What a shame he doesn’t value you or your relationship with her enough to support you going to her wedding. That’s so shit. My husband bends over backwards for me to attend events and I do the same for him.

How often do you get the chance to do lovely things like that!? They’re few and far between. Going there AND to Italy is something for you to look fwd to and he’s spoiling it for you. I’d go anyway. He’s being so bloody obtuse. He’s supposed to be your best friend!

You sound like a wonderful person and you clearly mean a lot to this girl. How can you not go to her wedding when you’ve already seen her through so much.

Get choosing your outfit! Also, you can’t let your old colleague go without you. 😉 Have fun!

Could not have put it any better than this.

I wouldn't reconsider your relationship with your lovely student but I would reconsider your relationship with your utterly selfish and lazy husband.

It's not going to put him out at all yet he's moaning. He goes away himself yet thinks you shouldn't.

A short sharp answer is what he'd get from me.

And have a great time at the wedding - you should be very proud of yourself for helping ignite your student's interest in your subject. Well done!

My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

Oh fgs. What a complete man child.

DH has been away on holiday with his friends before. He's been away with work before. I looked after DS and survived.

Next year, I'm going away on holiday by myself and leaving DS with DH.

Its selfish of HIM for not facilitating something that means so much to you. Its give and take and at some point, he has points in the bag to go and do something he wants to do.

He's needs to grow up. He being controlling.