Do not want to look after someone's DC

[howan]

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

Errmmm #bekiiiiind @Greenpolkadot 🤮🤮

I was going to say or could he have a crush on her and playing the white night hero to impress her? Something is really off here with him being so insistent in "helping". OP maybe it's time to get yourself organized because this does not look good and you deserve way more

What kind of shite is this? You're nuts! 😂😂😂

Why in the name of god would a 12 and 14 year old want play dates made for them anymore... especially with a 6 year old 😂

And why the fuck should OP out a schedule of when she is going to mind this child in place? Where were this child's parents when OPs children were small and they could have done with a dig out with childcare... oh yes, that's right, they weren't there!!!

I swear, some of the shite I read on this forum 😂😂😂

I can't fucking stand men who volunteer women's labour.

The entitlement and disrespect astounds me.

Agree with PPs - since he's so selfless and sensitive- he can care for the 6 year old solo.

Prick.

Nah. I reckon at some point the DH and the nephew had the conversation that went “cos… cos you’re like my brother mate… yeah really you’re like my brother… andifyouevahwant anything… ANYthing at all.. yeah just ask me mate, just ask me, it’s yours…”

The huff is because the OP is insisting her time is not part of this deal and he feels he will lose face.

way to take a phrase out of context, I said don't punish the child out of spite to it's parents, in response to the poster who said 'leave the child with your DH to go hungry and overtired because it's not your problem'.

Telling someone to not cut their nose off to spite their face isn't calling them spiteful, in the scenario above and others that people are suggesting, the child is being made to feel unwanted at both houses just to prove a point, there's no need.

OP said she'd do it for her own family, but she doesn't particularly like DH's family, I don't have a problem with that, but the point is the kid doesn't choose who they're born to and shouldn't be punished through no fault of their own, their parents and the DH are 100% at fault for this situation and the simple solution is to refuse to do it at all, rather then do it inadequately in a hostile environment, cut DH out the loop and tell CF herself no, or that CF needs to ask OP if she wants OP to look after the child, seeing as it's OP that does 100% of the childcare.

YANBU your DH doesn’t get a choice when he leaves all the parenting to you. You have 12 and 14 YO so obviously don’t want to spend every weekend watching a 6 YO.

I would keep saying no (or yes the odd time if you don’t mind him staying over as it’s not the DCs fault and probably isn’t fun for him at home) or inform DH that he will need to do the parenting whilst he is staying.

Also to add I think if you would do it for your own family then you should just help out, it’s not the boys fault his parents can’t manage to look after both children and it’s probably pretty rubbish for him at home.

"No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now?"

Your DH sounds much nicer than you and your children!

What's you not having any help got to do with the price of fish? It's a shame you didn't have help but that's not a reason to refuse to help someone else!

Yes, DH needs to always be there doing the care for his guest so that Op and the kids have choices of where to spend their own time.
Assuming that DH is there and is the child minder he still should negotiate a sustainable visiting plan with the other people who share his home. They might agree that once a year is sustainable or that DH should always take the boy to the park.

I agree that the mother of the child is blissfully communicating with Op's DH but all the while both of them know who is minding her child. Op and the kids are being exploited.

Ok, so basically DH and nephew are more like cousins or brothers. And the baby is your husband is the baby’s great Uncle with your children being cousins once removed.

My DH is close with cousins, so DC second cousins are on a par with first cousins. It doesn’t matter about the label always, but the relationship.

I think if your DH wants to do this he should be doing the legwork and not so often either.

But I don’t think you can cut him off with having a relationship with his Great niece/nephew, supporting his nephew, and wanting to foster a relationship between the cousins.

It’s just the scale and frequency of it is off.

Edit…

…so basically DH and nephew are more like cousins or brothers. And your husband is the baby’s great Uncle with your children being cousins once removed.

I wonder where the grandparents are in this situation (your DH’s sibling and the other GP’s)? If the Mum is struggling so much, why hasn’t she reached out to any of them?

Or perhaps she has, already over- imposed on them and they won’t help out anymore?

Total bullshit. The OP didn't impose on others and doesn't want to do nephew's child rearing for him!

The kid has two parents; let them do their job. No one forced them to reproduce.

Personally, if I were Op (which I am not) I could negotiate some sustainable visits and I would be positive about my children helping a little cousin sometimes. I would expect my DH to also actively mind the child, and to assume that our kids and I had equal say in the negotiations.

I'd like my kids to grow up kind and supportive of family.
I'd also expect that nephew and niece and DH to recognise our contribution is from us. DH should not promote any notions that we are invisible.

Would you spend EVERY weekend looking after your husband's 6yr old distant relative? Really? Why on earth should she? Her own husband is the one agreeing this without asking his wife and he's not doing any of the looking after of the child.

Are you serious? The OP is nice, she's been babysitting this child EVERY fucking weekend for god knows how long. She's rightly had enough. Would you like it if your husband dictated that ALL of your weekends be spent doing something that is not what you want to do?

What utter bullshit. Her DH sounds much nicer than her? When he's leaving her and his DC to take care of this child? Are you having a fucking laugh?

And she doesn't need a reason to not 'help out'... she doesn't want to, that's plenty reason enough!!!

Had this child's parents helped her when her children were younger, I'm sure she might feel slightly differently, but they didn't. And she simply doesn't want to do it and shouldn't have her free time offered out without her permission by anyone, let alone her feckless DH.

Are you sure??

I totally agree you should make you and your dcs unavailable so that he needs to do the work. Poor kid.

So if you don't allow him to control your time and coerce you into doing significant childcare for other people then he gets to label you "insensitive and selfish?"

This

Why are you making this the OP’s problem? Why is it ALWAYS the woman who has to suck it up and provide the help/care? She has her own life, responsibilities, and needs, and just because someone can’t manage their own children it doesn’t mean it becomes her job to solve.

Well, your DH is lazy and self-centered, so there's that. He wants to "act the hero" by whisking the kid away and then leave YOU to do all the work. That makes him an azzhat in my book.

Let him huff and puff and whine until the cows come home. Raising someone else's child is not your job, nor should it be when they have two parents perfectly capable of doing the job. Being tired is not an excuse to pawn your child off on others over and over. Once a month or every 6 weeks is one thing. Multiple times a week is poor parenting on their part.

The nephew's wife needs to learn to cope with both children before she decides to have another one, so you can raise two of her children for her, rinse and repeat.

They sound in desperate need of SS help.

Exactly. The person deserving the ‘insensitive and selfish’ label is the DH, dictating what OP does every weekend.