Do not want to look after someone's DC

[howan]

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

Your DH is so out of order, it beggars belief! The Mother having the audacity to type that her child is "very disappointed" has a sense of entitlement that has grown roots and sprouted in a manner that can only occur in cases of extreme and innate cheeky f*ckery - and it has been watered and fertilised by your DH offering your unpaid nanny services every bloody weekend. It's become her "normal". I'm annoyed on your behalf. If the child ends up in the house, you and kids get out of the house and leave him to act the hero. You shouldn't need to leave though. He should just cop on. I do help my SIL with sleepovers for older child because she has 2 younger ones under 3. I offer once every 8 weeks or so, and more importantly, it benefits both her child and my child of the same age. Her desire to dump her presumably independent 6 year old into a house of teenagers every weekend is bizarre, and quite worrying!

YANBU, but your NVDH and his family member are both being UaF.

Tell your NVDH that HE isn't the one doing the work. If he wants this child over again, you and your DC go out for the day/night and let DH do all the grunt work.

Men seem to love "volunteering" their SOs to do stuff the SOs have no wish to be saddled with.

Keep saying, "No". If she cannot handle her children, the SS should step in to give her help/advice/training.

Not your circus, not your clown car.

You mean he wants YOU to help so he looks good?

Fuck that shit. She won't learn how to cope unless she learns how to cope. It's how we all learn. If she actually can't cope then she needs help, proper actual help not your husband volunteering you as a 4th emergency service.

Fuck that shit. I'm sure the kid is lovely but she needs time to spend with her own actual family unit and not be farmed out becuase mum is tired.

It's all sad and you are not selfish or insensitive. You are right.

Please don't punish the child out of spite of it's parents though, you said earlier if it was your family you'd do it no question, and the poor child can't choose who their deadbeat parents are, the time they spend with you may be the best times the child has, but only you really know if any of that is true or not.

Sorry you asked her not to be spiteful. You did dump a heap of guilt on the OP and my response was to her to not take that on. She gets enough of that from her husband.

He is a competent adult with 2 children, he is not incompetent to look after and feed a 6 year old for 48 hours. He simply chooses not to. It's called strategic incompetence. There's nothing really complex about looking after a 6 year old unless there's SEN involved.

She could try ringing the mum every time DH promises and says no, and every time her DH will be horrible about it it to her. I'll bet he just stops telling her then until the kid turns up one weekend. The mum and her DH are entitled and selfish people and she will go on asking the DH because she knows he will say yes. Talking to her 'D'H has resulted in nastiness and guilt heaped on her and she can't achieve anything talking to him. Leaving him to it will probably result in more verbal abuse too, but there's a chance at least he'll stop saying yes to the child coming when it impacts on HIS weekend and his spare time.

I know - ridiculous!

It’s a really sad situation. OP shouldn’t be put in this position, esp by her DH, but like you say, the one who will (is?) suffer(ing) is the child in question. What will life be like if they don’t spend time at OP’s? Definitely not her problem, but her DH and his relatives are making it her problem and putting the responsibility solely on her. It’s obv NOT her responsibility and the fact of the matter is DH is seemingly trying to force her to do something she has now categorically told him she doesn’t want to do. Why should he put his relative and their wife’s ‘needs’ before hers? And to actually expect her to look after them with presumably absolutely no input from him and get in a huff when she says no. I can’t get my head round how anyone would think this is ok. If he is that concerned about the welfare of this child he should surely speak to other family members to ask for suggestions or their support. Perhaps the wife needs some form of therapy or other outside help that she isn’t getting. I can’t believe her husband is relying on his uncle to provide the indefinite bandaid through his own wife and isn’t looking into other avenues. Perhaps he is. I hope so.

Sorry this isn’t a very helpful post OP, I hope your DH wakes up and acknowledges the reality of the situation for you and your DC and his nephew’s wife can get the help she needs and is able to cope a lot better going forward.

It's very easy to volunteer someone ELSE'S time, like he is for you. Oh he's so generous and selfless, just loves to help others out. Except he's not, he's getting YOU to do it whilst he flounces about doing sweet FA. I would be absolutely LIVID and FUMING. As you can tell.

I absolutely would take the kids and go to your mum's house and leave him to look after the 6 yo all by his lonesome. Then see just how generous and giving he is.

bloody hell what a twat

For your children and their cousin to have a mutually enjoyable relationship, you and your husband will need to compromise.
Banning the child is not a compromise. Make a two year plan.

It might be sustainable for the child to sleep over three or four times per year for one night and to have a monthly play date, morning or afternoon. Your husband would need to be present. Any arrangement needs your agreement to be sustainable.
He sees a vulnerability in the child's circumstances so I think he's being practical and caring.
Any visits would not include natural incidental times the mother and children drop in to see you. (The need to be assertive about those could arrise too)

Perhaps formal baby sitting at the child's house in future years could be beneficial to your older children should they agree to all terms of payment and conditions.

I would be stopping this your children should not have to entertain the younger child.The mum has some cheek trying to make you feel guilty about it your husband should understand this.

True , but he’s not even looking after him , his wife is . Not even spending quality time with him . Anyway, whatever it is ,it’s all weird .

@howan Your 'D'H is a selfish prick and a cheeky fucker! He wants to ride in like a white knight helping his nephew's wife and enjoy the the glory and admiration of everyone else at what a helpful uncle he is when he's doing nothing. I'd be pointing it out to him that he's more a toss pot in tin foil than a white knight!

Op let him sulk, huff and call you selfish I'd be doing what the other posters suggested and leaving HIM to do the hard work from now on.

I can't believe he had the utter nerve to call you selfish for refusing to look after a child that isn't yours and feels entitled to volunteer you as an unpaid nanny, expects you to cope when the child's OWN MOTHER can't even cope and SHE CHOSE to have that child!

OP everytime he says to you that his great nephew is coming for the weekend go out the whole time with your children or make plans for you all to be busy and don't tell your husband until he lands it on you then calmly say "DC1&2 have plans and so do I so YOU will be the one entertaining and looking after the 6 year old" that way he has to actually pull his weight then watch how quickly he does a complete turn around and stops doing it. Once it sinks in that the glory comes at the price of actually earning it his lazy arse will start saying no

You are perfectly entitled to visit your family sometimes. I would put this back onto dh. 'On reflection I was a little hasty in cancelling as I assumed you would want to come with me because it uas been in the diary for a while but of course I am happy for you to stay here and look after Sam. I will visit mum with the dc and send your apologies.' Then take the teens with you and leave him to look after the nephew.

On other weekends find other activities which you and your dc need to do which are not little kid friendly some weekends. Nothing stopping him still spending quality time with his nephew.

Please don't punish the child out of spite of it's parents though, you said earlier if it was your family you'd do it no question

The difference is the OP and her sister probably exchange favours.

OP DH nephews wife wants it one way.

Say no, mean no and if he keeps offering your services start offering his. Then call him selfish.

AND OP can make it clear this isn’t about the child - this is about OP having boundries in her free time.

allegedly is he meeting nephew's wife for a bunk-up? allegedly whilst she's babysitting?

The next time your dh lets the child stay go out, for the entire day. Either go alone or take your dcs with you. Make sure you eat out too. When you get home go for a long, relaxing bath. Make sure it’s late. Then if the 6 year old is still up and dh try’s to palm them off on you, you make very long, private phone calls. Then either make yourself busy, sit on your phone, go and read, watch an adult film which is totally inappropriate for a 6 year old etc etc.
In short do not help out. Once your dh realises that by opening his big mouth he, and he alone, will have to care for the child I’m sure it won’t be long before he stops doing it.

What the actual fuck?!

Teenagers don't want play dates with six year olds. Or a relationship. They can say hello when the extended families get together for big occasions. Not have their leisure time sucked up dealing with some ancillary relative less than half their age.

I like the offering HIS services suggestion 👍🏻

you and your husband will need to compromise

Well DH isn’t compromising.

DH nephew and wife aren’t compromising.

Where their ‘2 year plan’

You can only plan if all parties are in agreement to stick to the plan.

The plan doesn’t work for 3 out of 4 of them.

What needs to happen is the mother and father of the child need to parent him and not make promises of a sleepover before asking the adults.

How much help did you get from dh when your children were small?

@howan I hope by now it’s clear to you that you are in the right on this one. I would recommend you make it clear it’s not happening again. You are not selfish, but you should be. Everyone else in this situation is, apart from the child. I suggest you stop thinking about it and try to do something you like doing instead

Please don't punish the child out of spite

What a complete and utter crock of shit! This is in no way the OP's situation to manage. How dare you guilt her over it?
Or imply she's being spiteful.

Maybe a visit from social services would make them think twice.

Plots getting juicer.

What?! Oh behave! What shite!!

A monthly play date ? And who's the kid supposed to play with ? Two adults in the house and two teens who don't want to know..😆