Do not want to look after someone's DC

[howan]

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

That's what I would do also. I know people are saying, "but think of the child....". OP needs to think of HER children and herself and the effect of having another kid living there half the time. It's the parents of the child who need to think about their other child and learn to cope. It's not the job of the OP.
I do think the OP needs to tell her DH that if he brings the child home without asking and getting a "yes", or agrees to watch the child without her permission, that she and DC will leave for the weekend and find a hotel or family/friends to visit. Her DC might even like the adventure, but DH needs to learn he cannot play the "hero" and then dump the work on OP and DC.

That's not how life works. That's not how any of this works.

I think it's just a hero complex. He is probably used to bailing his nephew out of tight spots and being "his hero". Now he wants to continue being the "hero" but doesn't plan on doing any of the work.

A PP mentioned the OP should just call the nephew's wife and tell her not to use DH as a go-between. I would go further and tell her, "No more childcare except if I wish to host DC. Do not try and go around me by asking my DH because he doesn't do the work. I do and I am done. Sending your child here without my explicit permission will be looked upon as you abandoning your child, since my DH has no clue or desire to watch your DC on his own and I will be gone with my DC."

I'd text back:

As mentioned, we can't do this weekend. However, if your children are getting upset about not spending time with mine, then a solution would be that I start sending them to your house for sleepovers. When suits you"?

And, of course, my DH leaves all the care of a child to me.
I just had a talk with DH about it again, and he's gone downstairs in a huff, as, apparently, I am 'insensitive and selfish'!🤬

so let your dh organise the child, next time child appears for a weekend- go away with the teenagers and leave them at home on both days. Let dh entertain a 6 year old solo and you’ll find he will not be offering his services again

@user1492757084 **"For your children and their cousin to have a mutually enjoyable relationship, you and your husband will need to compromise.
Banning the child is not a compromise." **

There is nothing to compromise. It's not the OPs job nor the job of her DC to raise, entertain or be stuck with her NVDH's nephew's child. Two teens have nothing in common with a 6 yr-old and one cannot MAKE them want to entertain the child.

"He sees a vulnerability in the child's circumstances so I think he's being practical and caring."

Practical and caring? GMAFB! He does nothing except dump the child on the OP. He is not being practical or caring in any way, shape or form, or HE would be tending to the child.

Nope. Hold your boundaries op. Your dh is happy to agree, because he doesn’t have to do anything! But he is enabling you to he taken firmly advantage of, which really isn’t great.

Continue to refuse, you are being used as free childcare.

Okay, so could you and your two kids suddenly leave for the evening when they pull this again?
When she shows up to drop off the 6-yr-old, the 3 of you say hi & bye and go to the cinema and then to the pub or something and arrive back home conveniently very late.
Allow your very accommodating DH to suffer the consequences of his generosity.
Live and learn I always say.

Only read to p7 so others might have commented is it the DH and nephew who want to piss off to do stuff whilst lumbering OP with 6 Yr old and put a stop to the wife moaning about How tired she is? Win win for the boys?

If DH is not going to see sense then I would suggest meeting with all 3 (DH, nephew and wife) to be clear about the position. Focus on the needs of that poor 6 Yr old who must feel so rejected that it would not be in his/her best interests ESPECIALLY with a new baby. Raising all other concerns such as it not being OK for your teens to be negotiated into minding without their consent and agreement without pressure, also if anything happened to the child when babysat the parents would be held 100% responsible by SS ( and you to would be held responsible for permitting this arrangement) sadly OP I think you may have to be the adult in the room. Though I don't mean by taking over the care of the child obviously!

Oh hush!
It's not the OP's job to take care of a child that isn't hers just because some "mother" cannot seem to cope with her children. That "mother" chose to have two children, so she and her "D"H need to learn how to parent their children and stop foisting the older one off on the OP. She raised her DC to the teen years, she is under no obligation to raise anyone else's. She's earned the rest and relaxation and she deserves it on the weekend after a week of work, etc.

Why don't YOU find out where this "poor mother" is and take over the care of her 6-year-old?.

Oh, and what the OP meant when she said they got no help when her DC were young is this; the nephew and his wife did nada, zilch, zip, nil to help them out at all. People who take and take and never give and expect others to do everything for them are called "cheeky f#ckers" and that is exactly what the nephew and his wife are.

You sound like you are either the nephew, the OP's NVDH or the nephew's wife. LOL!

The OP's teen DC have no desire to go to their "cousin's" house, where I am betting that, if they went, they'd be stuck doing the child care for two children while their parent's did FA and less.
Why would teens want to go to a 6-year-old's house? 🙄

@Nanaof1

I think @northerngirls has just suggested this to stop the requests for a sleepover and she doesn't expect the teenagers to go for a sleepover!!!!

It's possible/probable that if OP said that to nephew's wife, she might be all for it as it would be free babysitting for her. Then the OP's kids are stuck and OP did to them what her NVDH is doing to her.

She just needs to tell nephew and his wife, "No more. Don't ask. If we want to have your DC for a night or two, I will invite them. That is the only time, so don't go to my NVDH and ask to circumvent me, because I will leave the house with our DC and my NVDH will be the one in charge of your DC. Something he hasn't done so far."

Maybe going forward, be proactive and say you’ll have the child on the first Friday of every month. Take control of the situation and don’t let the mother dictate when and how often you’re babysitting. Explain how your dc are teens now, and have their own social life.

And has others have said, let your dh look after him, when you go out with your dc to the cinema.

She shouldn't be having the child at all. Fuck making schedules.
I'm not sure this thread is even real - you'd have to be a complete doormat to have not gone completely ballistic at the husband before now. I don't know any woman who'd have put up with this shit so far!

But her husband should be. As long as the op has a bag packed and ready to go to walk out the door as child arrives, she should agree to have him every few nights for the next month. Leaving it all to her Dh every time while she relaxes somewhere else.

Tell your dickhead husband that you don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s child in your house every weekend but if he’s so concerned about the moms welfare and her being tired then he can go round to her house every weekend and help with both the kids. That way she gets help and you are unaffected. Then when he says no and starts stuttering excuses you can call HIM insensitive and selfish for not helping them.

And, of course, my DH leaves all the care of a child to me.
I just had a talk with DH about it again, and he's gone downstairs in a huff, as, apparently, I am 'insensitive and selfish'! 🤬

What a dickhead.

Based on this OP, i think you should refuse to EVER take care of his nephew’s niece. Even in an emergency.

No playdates, no babysitting, no sleepovers, nothing.

If DH wants the child over leave him to take care of her. Don’t feed her, entertain her or anything else.

Why should OP have her?!

He doesn’t want to babysit the child himself, he wants OP to do it!

Do you see it as a woman’s job?

Why should OP do it when her husband refuses to look after his nephew’s child? Why is it OP’s job?

Just stop looking after the DC unless you actually want to. Your husband is the one arranging this, and if he wants to care for his DN he can, but it doesn't place any obligation on you.

Tell him in advance if you think that'll stop him in his tracks, otherwise let him learn the hard way.

@Nanaof1 It's not even parenting. It's shifting child to anyone else.

Really think early help is required.

@Codlingmoths is he interested to know how much childcare the h does for his own children.

I'd be pissed off of my h was looking after someone else's child so often because just having the child in the house impacts on everyone else. Even if he did do all the childcare. Does that mean OP gets to do everything for their shared dc by default? It also means they have to factor in that child to their own plans - it does change the dynamic of the family.

As your husband is so keen he gets to do all the looking after this kid! I bet his enthusiasm wanes quite quickly!

Your DH sounds much nicer than you and your children!

@Wanna17 wow, this is CFery of the highest order! You sound as bad as the nephew's wife and OP's husband! Of course he sounds nicer, he's just volunteering to help by making his wife do the work.

Why on earth should OP have to give up every weekend to look after the child of someone who can't be bothered to parent their own child? If Op's husband makes the offer, let him do the work while OP and her teenagers go out for some R&R.