Do not want to look after someone's DC

[howan]

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

Feel awful for the teens!
OP should def arrange some faux night out the next time the child appears. If ever!

where is your fella when u r childminding this distant relative?

genuinely call the social. they don't/can't cope with their children

You could arrange a night out with your friends or go visit your family and leave your dh to it do since he thinks it’s a great idea

I don't think posters should be suggesting the OP waste social services time by calling them, she hasn't indicated the child isn't being cared for or is in any kind of danger.

Why is he guilt tripping you? Why does he feel an obligation to this child? And why doesn’t he do the looking after? You’ve done your child rearing. Was he as useless when your two were younger?

She will have to go out as he will ignore the no and allow the child over anyway.

Every time that child was on a sleepover at my house, I'd be having a sleepover with my kids elsewhere and leaving DH to it. He'll soon get fed up!

it isn't wasting time. shes leaving a 6yr old on a weekly basis for 48 hours. it's becoming private fostering...

Anna Climbie was private fostered. SS would build a picture.

I never said she was spiteful? and I don't think she is, I think she should say just say no.

I don't agree that she should go out and leave the DH to it, because if he's as incompetent at childcare as OP says he is then the only one being 'punished' by that is the poor child who already isn't wanted at one household.. I know it's not the same but I've been a stepchild staying in a household where one 'parent' makes it blatantly obvious your presence there is making them unhappy.. it's horrible. Intentional or not children do pick up on things like that and it's unfair to do it to a child just to make a point, when the grown up could just deal with it themselves and leave the child out of it.

My point is she should put her foot down and tell nephews wife DIRECTLY that she doesn't want to do it / can't do it / not convenient etc, not leave DH to sign her up.

I’ll never get my head round the absolute brass neck of some people. How do they even do this sort of thing without having any sort of shame! Surely they must know they are CFs!

Yanbu.

The point of not being there is that it will force the OPs DH to actually do the care, to put him out. If OP is there he will find a way to put all the care back on her. He's shown he's willing to be nasty to get his way and he will be nasty or belittling or keep sending the child back to her and refuse to anything because he knows if the child's there and he ignores them OP will look after them.
It's hyperbole to say the child won't have a bed or food, the DH is a component adult and father let's not infantilize him and say the OP needs to be there because he's not capable. He is capable he just doesn't want to do it.

That’s fine. You go and visit your family and leave dh in sole charge. Every time.

He’ll soon change his tune when he’s the one doing all the work.

Why doesn't your husband want to help you?
^
Sorry OP but your h is a prick. You have bigger problems than the cheeky fucker mother of this child!^

And, of course, my DH leaves all the care of a child to me.

Well, there is your whole argument. Honestly, he’s being a total dick.

Ask him how he’d feel if you were offering his services at tiling/decorating/gardening for hours each week to your sister whilst you did fuck all. Tell him, he’s the one being totally selfish by pimping you out!

I would actually contact the relative directly and say, ‘I know DH likes to offer babysitting services but it’s not him doing the work, it’s me, so we won’t be doing any more overnight stays’.

The point of not being there is that it will force the OPs DH to actually do the care, to put him out.

Except OP and DH have got two kids together.. I'm pretty sure if OP was going to MAKE him step up and parent adequately then she would have done that by now.

so back to my original point, using a child that is already semi neglected as a social experiment to prove this point is just flat out wrong, it's not three men and a fucking baby.

Just. Say. No. and say it straight to the cheeky fucker nephew's wife who is 'arranging' these sleep overs in the first place, you can't trust DH to have your back so cut him out of the loop entirely, unless he wants to take over childcare duties of course, or if you feel like you want to every now and again to give the child a break from it's useless parents then tell her directly when and for how long is convenient for you.

Yanbu to not want to look after someone else’s child every weekend! You need time to relax/do chores/whatever in your own space and your own time. I would say to your husband that you’re setting boundaries and whilst your choice would be to never have the child round, you are prepared to have the child eg once a month/every other month as a compromise based on his wishes to help out every weekend. If he can’t accept it he needs to evaluate whether helping his nephew is more important than his relationship with you because he’s insisting on something that’s making you unhappy. Also, if he continues to arrange for the child to come round then you will be off out elsewhere and he can do all the babysitting by himself.

Having just read through the whole thread I would not be at all surprised if at some point it is revealed that the OP's husband is the father of the 6 year old.

Not sure why some posters are asking if DH is the 6 year olds father ?? I mean , where or why does that even come from ?? If that’s the case then he would have had a fling with his nephew’s wife . Really .

@Tourmalines he's too keen and too involved. He's pushing too much. You need to ask yourself why?

Love and lust happen.

Definitely this! DH agrees to have them, DH can look after them

As weird and wonderful as Mumsnet can seem at times, I reckon it is only a matter of time before people in your real life make the same speculative leap that’s already been made on this thread.

Let your DH know people have started questioning if he is in fact the biological father rather than his nephew due to volume/frequency of visits.

(possibly don’t elaborate that it’s currently only on here that you know of anyway!)

At the minute he has no downsides, even the ‘go on strike’ might inconvenience you but still leave him looking like a ‘hero’ to your nasty/insensitive self because he ‘wants to help if only you weren’t stopping him’.

Telling him that his own keenness to look like the big I am is actually causing people to gossip about him possibly being a liar, a cheat, with his own family member’s wife and then having the barefaced cheek to have you doing childcare for ‘his’ child.

His motivation appears to be how it all ‘looks’, letting him know he ain’t looking good out of it might be the wake-up call he needs.

Honestly every time he does this, you should say “Have fun then….” And take your kids to your family, leaving him to look after these kids. Don’t make life easy by shopping or making food. That’s on him. Bet it soon stops.