Do not want to look after someone's DC

[howan]

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

Sounds like your main problem is your husband. Why is he putting this woman’s needs above yours?

Why is he so disrespectful of your feelings? Is this a common theme throughout your relationship or just on this one issue?

I think you should talk with him and ask why this woman’s needs take precedence over yours.

Does he have welfare concerns for the woman and her ability to cope? If so then it’s not your responsibility and you need to make that clear.

Anyone who uses the “the child is soo upset/devastated” etc is an absolute tosser. I loathe manipulation in all forms but to use a poor ickle child to make someone else do something they don’t want to or can’t do is despicable

it’s a version of the Ick for me and always a Hard Pass from me.

don’t promise your kids anything that’s not been absolutely agreed, stop forcing your kids on other people.

Sounds like the mother is trying to guilt trip you. She's the mother it's her responsibility to console the child, not yours. Stick to your guns and don't feel bad. They are taking the p*ss big time. If she shows up have an exit plan. Or just give her an outright no! Good luck.

Honestly I think it's best you be honest to avoid her always asking for a sleepover. I'd say, I'm really sorry but no more sleep overs. I find it all too much hard work. I know husband keeps saying yes, but he doesn't actually help out with the kids, it all falls to me.

I think your husband is a narcissist with a God complex, and is blowing up because you are shining a light on his totally unreasonable behaviour.

Just this 👏

YANBU. Your DH is being totally unreasonable. It might be ok to babysit once in a while so they can have an occasional night out, but these constant sleepovers have to stop. Your DC are older now and you can have a bit more freedom, so why should you be lumbered with looking after a 6 year old on a weekly basis. It’s not fair on your DC either. I’m sure teens don’t want to be bothered with entertaining a young child constantly. Just say no to your DH and keep saying no till he and his relatives stop asking.

It's a hard no

But how is this OP’s responsibility? If HE wants to help his nephew then surely HE should provide the childcare!!… it’s totally unfair that he’s offering his wife to look after someone else’s child without even asking her first!

My 14 year old is doing mock exams from April onwards, in Yr 10. Presuming that your's is in the same school year, you can put a line in the sand now and say that, with exams coming up, you won't be able to accommodate sleepovers going forward. With a 14 and a 12 year old, you'll have mocks, GCSEs, mocks, GCSEs over the coming 4 years.

Yep and don’t have dinner planned or cooked.

see how “lovely” he finds it then.

OP literally says that he leaves the childcare of this child to her! 😂

The huge issue is that he isn't volunteering and being generous with HIS time.

He's volunteering and allocating OP's time and making it clear he thinks she should offer unlimited unpaid childcare.

Agree with other posters that it's a DH problem and it sounds like it's bigger than just childcare for the relative's child. He needs to prioritise his own family over demands of relatives.

YANBU.
As others have already said, I think the only way this is going to change is if you just keep saying to DH that you can't do any more free childcare and if he invites the kid over that's fine but he has to do it. When / if the kid comes over you need to go / be out. Tell the kid's mother that you're not available but since DH offered, he will look after. And follow through. If he accuses you of being selfish then he must be selfish too if he will not do it without you.

You possibly also need to take up a new hobby that involves being out at the weekends (even if that hobby is going out for a cup of tea with a book).

👍👍
This will be my position from now on.
I don't want to hide behind my children, their mocks, I don't want to invent visits to my family every w/end, I don't want to leave my house and check into a hotel for the whole w/end, I don't want to leave my children in the house when I go out, as the 6yo becomes their responsibility, I don't want to send my children to nephew's house for the weekend, as they will be looking after the 1yo too, while mother 'catches up on her sleep'.
I DO NOT WANT TO DO ANY OF THIS! I want to be left alone at weekends in my house, with my DCs.
Thank You All who took their time to answer my AIBU question, as I was made to almost believe that that is 'what families do'.
DH is almost not talking to me still. Yesterday, didn't even eat his dinner, as 'I don't want to burden you'- well, I have already cooked by that point!- so, as you can see, problems in our family run much deeper than 6yo's childcare. I only started working FT in September and, maybe, started asserting myself more, as I don't want to take s* from my Dh or his family any longer.

DH is almost not talking to me still.Yesterday, didn't even eat his dinner, as 'I don't want to burden you'- well, I have already cooked by that point!- so, as you can see, problems in our family run much deeper than 6yo's childcare. I only started working FT in September and, maybe, started asserting myself more, as I don't want to take s from my Dh or his family any longer.

He's sulking and trying to guilt trip you because you're not playing the expected role of support human to his white knight, head of the family act.

Working full time, having your shit together, knowing your worth and telling DH you're not free childcare for his family is probably really annoying him right now.

Bang on!

Wow your husband is a tosser!
Tonight cook for yourself and your children and tell him you didn’t want to waste food .. or even better serve him last nights tea!!
I would also 100% be messaging nephew & his wife saying that you’re very sorry but you can no longer be available at weekends to look after their children, you work full time now and want/need weekends to be your own. I would also be tempted to say DH might be free to take the kids to the park for her if she needs a break, since he’s such a super hero and all that!
He sounds like a child himself!

He’s probably annoyed you’re working ft and wants to somehow tie you to home/family more, whether subconsciously or not. A lot of men get disgruntled about women being independent even now.

100%
I applied and got a job after being off for a year, DP wasn’t keen and wanted me ‘at home’…. We actually split up over it.

Good decision OP. Hope it goes well with the niece.

Your DH needs a wake-up call!

As your kids are now older, they are going through puberty and approaching GCSEs, could you simply say that you need to focus on your children now as GCSE years are really important and they need your input, support with school work, and quality time at the weekends. You can tell your husband that as much as he may wish to help by having his great-niece stay over, he has a bigger obligation to ensure his own children’s needs are prioritised for the next few years - ie that he is actually putting the needs of his own children (and his wife) lower than those of the wife of his nephew.

Appreciate his nephew works weekends, but assume he is around during the week (when great-niece is presumably in school?), so clearly nephew needs to step up on those days so wife is better able to cope at weekends. Great-niece would benefit more from sleepovers with children her own age - surely mother of great-niece has family who can help (parents?).

You are not being unreasonable - and I say this as a person who fostered a friend’s two boys 8-10 weeks a year, plus had them come home to mine 2-3x a week after school, running them to clubs etc for over four years - for free - and was dropped like a brick when my eldest [ASD/ADHD] began having MH issues and needed her family/privacy back. The mother/father of your great-niece will not step up/get support (from family, GP, or via health visitor) if you enable their dysfunction. Long term, it is in the great-niece’s interests to disengage now and help his nephew’s family put support in place.

Surely your eh nephew is also your nephew? So their child is your great nephew? Seems weird not to count his family as your own with regards to cousins etc.

It’s really not the same thing to a lot of people. DP’s nieces and nephews are nice enough, but they’re not my family in the same way they are his and I’m fairly certain that if we were to break up I wouldn’t ever see them again unless DD gets married at some point in the future. Plus, great nephew (even by blood) is still quite a distant relation. DD has only met two of her great aunts/uncles and she’ll be two in a few months.

Yes, I think that's the crux of the issue. And there isn't a chance in hell I'd be cooking anything else for him until he apologised, the cheeky twat.

When he does start talking, I'd be saying that he is quite welcome to put together a plan that he could enrol the child in a Saturday hobby and take him, all independent from you. But you need to point out that this child will be doing SATs and get homework and needs downtime in their own home. Come spring a nearly 18 month old and six/seven year old is fine to take to the park/soft play etc. She needs to learn to cope. You've helped out over the newborn stage. I enjoy celebrating Easter/Halloween/Christmas etc (by booking events) with my youngest GC and will miss it in a few years. So have a think what suits you. Some people are glad these things can stop.