Do not want to look after someone's DC

[howan]

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

I second this. Most men don't get over involved with their own kids.

If Mother struggling or has PND - she's the mother. She gets help from PND groups etc. She gets help from GP.

The OP isn't responsible for the mental health of an adult woman and her own minor children. Women are far too eage/meekr to take on other's work.

@CauliflowerBalti Is it cool to leave her child for 48 hours? Having 2 when not coping is silly.

You’re definitely not being unreasonable to not want to look after your great nephew so frequently. Your DH is not being generous and kind. He’s volunteering your time. As he’s not listening, could you change tack and say to him, two things need to happen:

1. He needs to ask you first before agreeing, as this home belongs to you and your DC as well as him and you all should have a say who stays in it and how often
2. If his great nephew is to stay, then he needs to be the one looking after him for the duration, not you or your children. If he suggests that this is unreasonable, ask him why. Why is it okay for him to make an arrangement where you or your kids have to do the work? See if he can argue his way out of that one!

Fuckin' hell.🙄

So you’re selfish for not looking after dh great nephew and giving him the credit? If he wants to look after him, he needs to be the one looking after him.

How insensitive will he think you are when you leave and have him hold up the obligation he makes for you? What a tool.

You are absolutely correct! Yes, my DH has taken a role of a family 'ruler' and problem solver. I absolutely hate it, as all the problems are dumped on us and my DH always wants to help everyone. I have a DH problem. My NY wish was for all his nephews and their problems (usually, £££) to just disappear from my life, as we constantly argue about his side of family and how they all rely on him (and me!).
Parents/grandparents all live few hours away, so not very involved.

Suggestions about my DH being 6yo father are just ludicrous. No. 100% sure it is not the case. It's my DH 'trying to help' situation.

My advice on how to tackle this situation would be the following.

1. Based on the ages of your own kids, see if any of their school friends would be interested in having them for sleep over (not in your home but in theirs). Arrange this for the next time that the 6 yr old is due to have a sleep over in your home.
2. Make your own arrangements to be out that evening and returning the following afternoon so that you are essentially leaving the 6yr old with your DH.
3. Announce that this is happening on the day that the child is due to arrive to your home so that your DH is blindsided by any of these arrangements.

See how he manages to cope with the 6yr old by himself.

You need to think smartly here as your husband doesn't give a shite about you or your kids plans. I would say that if you stayed out the night that the child stayed with you, he'd probably expect the 14 and 12 yr olds to look after the child, still not stepping up himself. This is why I'm suggesting you all go out and leave him to deal with the child. He just wants to be seen as the Great One, well, let him BE the Great One when he has to entertain, feed and look after this 6yr old.

I'm so angry on your behalf. How dare he make decisions about how you are to spend your time!

Your DH is eager to provide childcare for his dn. Let him. I’m sure you can find better things to occupy your time. An overnight spa break or a catch up with your girlfriends sounds good. Go for it!

This is interesting. It seems you are making a distinction that you DH is not making. It would be similar in my family as brother or brother's child, would be seen as close family and no real distinction would be made. I wouldn't regard the nephew as extended family just family. I think the 6 year DC is your DC's cousins, just once removed? Might not be entirely right, but somewhere thereabouts.

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all, but some of the reasons you give I find harsh if I'm to be honest. I'm not judging you, just the reasons! (I didn't get help, so I don't want to give it and that the DC is not close enough family for you to do this for them, that your treatment of them is different because you don't perceive them to be close family. Your husband does. It's tricky one, because if your husband had a good friend he regarded as a brother, would you also just think of that person as a friend? Your DH clearly loves his nephew and that strikes me as potentially a very good thing)

Are you and DH of the same culture or ethnic community? It seems you have very different ways of looking at family (life?), including gender roles. I don't think this can be solved easily or quickly. If helping and being there for his family is part of your DH's identity, being 'ruler' etc also, then it will be very difficult to change.

Again, I don't think you are wrong, just that you see things very differently and it will take a lot of effort to change without resentment kicking in, though it might very well be possible.

The Dh doesn’t love his nephew enough to look after him. His love only extends to volunteering his wife’s time and energy, I’d call that a pretty pathetic kind of love.

@Codlingmoths

You might be right. I'm not certain this is just a vanity play, but it might very well be.

I'm not saying I agree with him lumping it all on OP, I just think he might truly believe it is for him to 'help' (in this case, by volunteering his wife - eye roll).

I have been in this situation before, but in that case my DP looked after the DC when he had them over. I was also there and shared, but there wasn't the expectation i would put my feet up and do all the grunt work. That is very wrong.

In saying this, in my family we have had situations where we have taken in other family members' / close friends' children in informal adoption, and no one thinks that is outrageous. Some people do find it hard to cope.

sorry 'he would put his feet up'.

Ill bow out of this conversation now, i just wondered whether my contribution might help ;)

OMG It's times like this that I am glad I'm an old gimmer, and that my DC left home some years ago - nearly in their 30s now. I do NOT miss the days when the mums in the area I used to live, used to dump their kids on me left, right and centre to play with mine! Because their kids used to really enjoy being at our house (and in our big garden with swings and slide and little swimming pool etc, and lots of video games and board games,) and it was 'so quiet and peaceful.' And my DC had lots of toys they love to play with.

'I will come and pick them up at 5:00 o'clock' they'd say. Then they wouldn't come at 5, so we'd ring them, couldn't get hold of them, ended up taking them back to their house at 6 and they weren't in. So we had to come back to ours and keep them there. We often ended up keeping them until 9:00 o'clock at night - and discovered later their mum had been at the pub ... My DC rarely went to any of their homes though as the mums were always 'busy.' And it was always 'awww they like it at yours.' Must have spent a fortune feeding other peoples kids!

I even got my husband a few times volunteering me to look after his cousin's kids - or the neighbours kids?! Funny isn't it? How all the child care that's needed or wanted - is always lumbered on the women. Nobody ever volunteers a man to look after people's kids! As I say, I'm glad I'm too old for this shit now. The only kids I'll ever, ever, ever be looking after now, will be my grandchildren. If and when I have them.

Sorry @howan Bit of a rant from me there, and I forgot to say - just say NO. Don't be a mug like I was! Tell HIM - your DH - to look after them!

YANBU at all. You've raised your own DC's to the point that they're finding their own independence, therefore, you have more free time. To be volunteered to look after HN's child is absolutely and totally unreasonable. And all because NW doesn't get a decent nights sleep?!?!! Bugger that! I bet you didn't either when you're DC's were small, but you managed!!!
I would put my foot down about all this, for definite, but if your NVDH insists the child stays, I'd actually stay put, at home. Make sure your DC's are out somewhere, doing their own thing. Each time the child demands something, shout for your husband to deal with it! Or, send the child to go find NVDH and ask him for whatever he needs. Doesn't have to be done in a nasty way at all, in fact, the nicer the better... He can't argue with that at all, because if he does, he's showing himself up to be the one who expects YOU to do the child minding! I'm sure the point will get across sooner rather than later! (I have to add, I now have visions of you on a chaise longe OP, reading magazines, listening to your favourite tunes and popping Ferocious Roches in your mouth... 😁😁😁)

Have you spoken to your DH?

YANBU and I wouldn’t want it either. I would make a point of dumping DH with the kids and disappearing every time he agrees to have them at your place. What a ridiculous situation, he is creating a huge problem for all of you. I would create a huge problem and make it so uncomfortable for them that they wouldnt dare ask. Good luck OP.

Have I missed something? Where does the OP state in her post that the husband dumps the childe on her? I think some people on here need reading lessons. Just because she's acting like a martr, doesn't mean he goes out and leaves her with the child. Duh!!

Where in the post does it say that he dumps the child on her? Are you imagining things dear?

Where does it say that he dumps the kid on OP?

Are you the husband or the nephew?

The OP said earlier in the thread "No, he doesn't help." Perhaps it is you who is unable to read.