Do not want to look after someone's DC

[howan]

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

If your dh is that inclined to help that's fine, let him book the weekend and then take yourself off with your dc for a weekend away and leave him to it

Wow. I used to have a friend who did overnight babysitting for someone when they were fifteen or so. This is essentially what you're doing for free. £7.50 an hour I reckon minimum charge.

Definitely a no, unless the 14 y/o fancies doing it for £5/ph or so...

Then the child needs to learn PDQ that they don't get everything they want in life- a very valuable lesson. Another is to accept it gracefully, too. That's one of many good things about an only child getting a younger sibling- they have to learn that the world does not revolve around them. And learning to be helpful around a younger sibling is a good thing too- it can be made to be fun. And I say that as an eldest, who still has a very close and strong relationship with my younger sibling, decades later, thanks to my own mother taking the same view.

I’d be furious. Clearly your husband has no respect for you or concern for your feelings. He’s agreed for you to babysit without even asking you and when you’ve said no,he’s ignored you. He’s basically saying you’re less important than this relative. As for the relative,what an absolute nerve.

My husband pulled this shit with his sister's then pre-school aged daughter. Apparently I could look after her as I was WFH the day his sister had to work and had no childcare. All the nope. Niece is a lovely child, but as WFH implies, I was "working". Our own children are older and capable of self entertaining when not at school, but a 3 year old whilst trying to earn my salary, not happening.

Having offered my services without asking me, he refused to tell his sister no and lose face. Many MANY "words" later he had to book the day off and look after niece himself.

He has not pulled the same shit since.

Sorry OP but your DH is utterly inconsiderate and selfish.

This is unfair on you, the kids and to that poor child.

You said he doesn’t help…. Where is he? What is he doing? Why is he so keen to help?

It’s time to do more than “talk”. It’s time to put some boundaries in place. If he doesn’t listen then perhaps it’s time to evaluate the relationship.

I’d offer an occasional sleepover but that would be it. Every couple of months or so.
it’s not healthy or normal for the 6 year old to spend so much time at other peoples houses and not with her own family. Do they not have grandparents pr other siblings that could support? Maybe one of them could have the baby for a night.

Sounds to me like the men in your husband's family think childcare is solely women's work and do little to actually help. Perhaps the other mother really is exhausted because she gets no assistance whatsoever from her husband. Still not your problem to solve though, and neither is it the child's fault. Outrageous of your DH to "book you" as unpaid child care without asking you and then have a strop when you say no. Sounds like he should be telling his nephew to step up to the plate, imo, not offering your services.

But I personally don't like it when people use reasons like 'because no one helped me at a similar stage in life then I'm not going to help people that 'need' help now'. One isn't related to the other in my opinion and I think that was what the previous person was trying to say too

But the OP did help the other mother out.

Aw he wants to help out his relatives that's lovely. Except he doesn't does he? He wants you to help them out while he just looks like the good guy. Now he's made you look like the bad guy by having to put your foot down.

If it happens again don't cancel and make yourself the bad guy, just go somewhere else for the weekend.

Hmmm. This is tricky. You are not wrong to feel this way. Your husband is selfish and unreasonable. These are the kinds of decisions you make together. He doesn’t make them for you.

But. A 6-year old boy is the one that will get punished in all of this. Because if he doesn’t come to you, he stays with a resentful mother who honestly sounds like she’s struggling with depression and/or PND. She has no support at the weekend because her husband works and she is struggling. Just because you had no help and managed, doesn’t mean she can - or should have to. You are really dismissive of her (shouldn’t have had a second if she can’t cope with one, she’s always moaning she’s tired) and I don’t think that’s cool tbh. If she’s struggling, she’s struggling. There are no medals for those that don’t.

I know it’s not your ‘problem’ but I can see why your husband wants to help. Could you try befriending her to understand her a little better? Try and improve her mental health so she feels better able to cope?

You can of course just say no every time. But I do worry about the poor kid in the middle of all this.

Your husband should take total responsibility for the child when he is with you. It's not fair to expect you and the older children to babysit! DH wants the child around, he can do the work involved.

Is he the six year old's dad?

And again why is this for op to sort out and counsel? Doesn't sound like op is telling husband not to do it himself, just that she won't?
Edited to add
Oh and if the family are trying to guilt trip op by saying oh he can't be with a 'resentful mother' by implying he's a risk from her, it's not op they should be calling.

Wow, you lot really are a mean bunch. Thank goodness your lives are perfect and you never need to ask for help. Luckily the poster's husband has some compassion but, no doubt, he'll be punished for it.

Are you having a laugh?

His version of "having compassion" is dumping someone else's child on his wife to look after, all to make himself look good. What a hero.

Wow. Your DH is being very weird about this and it’s outrageous that he keeps agreeing to have this child and dumping all the work on you.

Great idea to tell DH he should go over to her house to look after both children! But doubt he will. Totally agree with everyone saying be out or away every single time and take DC with you.

Where are the 6yo’s grandparents on either side?

Your husband is being a complete dick. He volunteers your time and effort but refuses to contribute? I'd be signing him up to volunteer at the school fayre, brownie sessions, football coaching, church raffle etc etc until he gets the message that VOLUNTEERING SOMEONE ELSE IS NOT FUCKING ON. Seriously.

This has got nothing to do with OP. If the mother is struggling then her DH will have to sort something out with his working hours. You haven't even mentioned her DH.

The husband has 'compassion'?! 😁 not for his wife and dc clearly!

Had a brother in law drop his two children to our house odd Saturday for a half hour than ended being couple hours then nearly a day...happened odd time (my own fault as I would be welcoming) then it started happening couple weekends in a row (sure what could I do felt I couldn't say no, I couldn't head into town to do my buts always ended uo feeding them whatever I had on for dinner) had to put a stop to it...his wife worked every weekend as a nurse and he couldnt do his nixers as a plumber . My hubby wanted to help out. But they were taking the piss and advantage of our good nature, had to put a stop to it,by not being there (but he would ring up to see where we were if not at home) and then I had to say no till he got the hint, had to stop him coming in one time as I was ill. They never call now, he ruined it. I did like the kids but I was becoming allergic to them as saw them too much he was taking the piss.
My advice is don't let it start, one thing if its the odd time but you had them already 2 days ago, give the mother a definire No don't even get into the Why.......and the mother should have more cop on....obviously doesn't.

@howan Can you say that he is welcome to look after the kid but you aren't going to be doing it which then makes HIM out to be the selfish one. Or wouldn't he get that logic?

It’s not compassion when you are volunteering other people to do all the work.

The logic and tactics you’re employing here suggest that you’d be extremely hard work to live with.

I don't think anyone has said her husband shouldn't look after the child. If his compassion only extends to dumping the kid on the op and her dc it's worth nothing though.

The OP is very quiet...wonder what's going on .....

The parents of the child in question have one another; no one forced them to produce any offspring let alone two. Bed, made, lie. The OP has reared her children into teenhood and deserves to be in control of her own leisure time.

Nothing stopping her husband from entertaining the kid or taking it on outings if he feels that is warranted. Just because OP is a woman doesn't mean she is the default fucking babysitter for people who take advantage. (Wonder what niece and nephew have EVER done for OP's benefit? Nothing, I am sure.)