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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want to look after someone's DC

466 replies

howan · 03/01/2024 18:35

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

OP posts:
Flossflower · 04/01/2024 14:18

Apart from being totally unfair on you, it isn’t fair on your children either.

MarkWithaC · 04/01/2024 14:55

Comedycook · 04/01/2024 12:59

I might get flamed for this but I think men are often really straight forward....they say what they think and what they want. They take things at face value. Therefore if sil approaches the ops dh and says oh dd loves visiting you for a sleepover its so great the kids get on, cousin time blah blah blah. He will probably just accept this narrative. Women can read between the lines and decipher that she's a cf who wants free childcare.

It really doesn't take much 'reading between the lines' though to think about how the child will be looked after. Just some basic common sense and awareness of how having children works.
You say 'straightforward', I say 'CBA to think about basic logistics and consequences because he assumes someone else – namely his wife – will just magically deal with it all'.

Ohlookwhoitis · 04/01/2024 14:55

DeeLusional · 04/01/2024 13:32

Possibly the 6 yo's DM is blackmailing DH that she will tell OP who the father is if he doesn't keep taking the child. I would be getting DNA tests done. The child, and one of OP's children to see if they have the same father. Because this behaviour by a man IS NOT NATURAL.

Apt user name.

Ellie56 · 04/01/2024 14:56

'insensitive and selfish'!

Really? Just keep saying "No," OP! If DH is so desperate to help, he can do it.

ReflectiveRogue1001 · 04/01/2024 15:14

Lurker85 · 04/01/2024 09:07

Tell your dickhead husband that you don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s child in your house every weekend but if he’s so concerned about the moms welfare and her being tired then he can go round to her house every weekend and help with both the kids. That way she gets help and you are unaffected. Then when he says no and starts stuttering excuses you can call HIM insensitive and selfish for not helping them.

Love this!

StragglyTinsel · 04/01/2024 15:26

Comedycook · 04/01/2024 12:59

I might get flamed for this but I think men are often really straight forward....they say what they think and what they want. They take things at face value. Therefore if sil approaches the ops dh and says oh dd loves visiting you for a sleepover its so great the kids get on, cousin time blah blah blah. He will probably just accept this narrative. Women can read between the lines and decipher that she's a cf who wants free childcare.

It’s got nothing to do with being straightforward or not.

The husband is quite happy to volunteer because he’s not the one doing the work. It’s really easy to be generous with other people’s time and effort.

He doesn’t like that the OP has said no because he no longer gets to play the good guy on the basis of her (and his children’s) efforts.

If he were actually working on a ‘does what it says on the tin’ basis, he’d be saying to his nephew’s wife ‘yes. @howan will look after your 6 year old for you. I will just be taking the credit for it’.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/01/2024 15:30

I’m struggling to accept that the convo wouldn’t go

DH-I’ve invited x to stay for a sleepover again this weekend

OP-No. you always invite her but then leave me to do all of the work. Phone her and say I’m not doing it again, or I will.

sandyhappypeople · 04/01/2024 16:06

Ohlookwhoitis · 04/01/2024 14:04

Spot the CF who thinks everyone owes her childcare.

Show quote history

In fairness, I agree with the sentiment here about the price of fish, and I don't think people owe me anything. It's like saying "my parents never paid for me to go to uni, so I'm not paying for my children to go", one is completely irrelevant to the other, unless the 'help' that she's referring to is specifically aimed at the nephew and wife but it doesn't sound like it is, it sounds like she means that she did it on her own so nephew and wife should be able to, but that's not necessarily true in life and asking for help shouldn't be demonised.. expecting help like people owe you something is a different thing to asking for help, this seems to fall into that second category.

Saying that, I don't think it's necessary for OP to use this as a reason.. she's got more then enough reason to not want to give up her weekends every weekend for these three CF.

Newestname002 · 04/01/2024 16:28

@howan

DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn

Honestly it's refreshing on here to see a woman say 'No' and demonstrate 'No' to those who try and take advantage of her. I agree your husband has a cheek volunteering you (and your own children) in constantly providing childcare when you don't want to. Where do you go from here OP? You do need to put a stop to this once and for all, not only to the would be 'hero' but both his nephew and his wife. 🌹

Ohlookwhoitis · 04/01/2024 16:48

sandyhappypeople · 04/01/2024 16:06

In fairness, I agree with the sentiment here about the price of fish, and I don't think people owe me anything. It's like saying "my parents never paid for me to go to uni, so I'm not paying for my children to go", one is completely irrelevant to the other, unless the 'help' that she's referring to is specifically aimed at the nephew and wife but it doesn't sound like it is, it sounds like she means that she did it on her own so nephew and wife should be able to, but that's not necessarily true in life and asking for help shouldn't be demonised.. expecting help like people owe you something is a different thing to asking for help, this seems to fall into that second category.

Saying that, I don't think it's necessary for OP to use this as a reason.. she's got more then enough reason to not want to give up her weekends every weekend for these three CF.

Show quote history

I don't understand what you're saying. You're saying the OP is in the right and the people are CFs...but on the other handvshe should help because it's not their fault she had no help? The uni comparison means nothing.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 04/01/2024 17:06

It looks as if your DH needs to learn that he can volunteer his own time where he wishes to... but can't volunteer yours.

sandyhappypeople · 04/01/2024 17:38

Ohlookwhoitis · 04/01/2024 16:48

I don't understand what you're saying. You're saying the OP is in the right and the people are CFs...but on the other handvshe should help because it's not their fault she had no help? The uni comparison means nothing.

Show quote history

No, I don't think she should help.

But I personally don't like it when people use reasons like 'because no one helped me at a similar stage in life then I'm not going to help people that 'need' help now'. One isn't related to the other in my opinion and I think that was what the previous person was trying to say too.

Your capacity to help people shouldn't really be determined by how completely unrelated people treated you in the past, it's got nothing to do with the circumstances of the people asking for help now, so you should be free to decline without using examples like this as an excuse, she doesn't want to give up every weekend to CF nephew and wife who don't sound like they actually 'need' help, they're just onto a good thing.

A better comparison would be if I ask friend A to help me move house in 2010 and they say no, then friend B asks me for help to move house in 2020, I don't think saying 'no I can't help, friend A never helped me move, so why should I help you move?' is at all relevant. It also doesn't mean you should feel obligated to help them move house, but using that as a reason seems bizarre.

Johna69 · 04/01/2024 17:44

Sounds like your husbands relative has had an on demand free babysitter for the past few years.Sounds like the parents also use other people to palm the kids off as well.

PotatoLove · 04/01/2024 17:49

DN wife shouldn't have had another child if she so desperately needs help so often with her oldest. It's not your responsibility to look after him. Tell your DH to sod off.

wronginalltherightways · 04/01/2024 17:58

howan · 03/01/2024 22:09

My DH wants to help, as the mother keeps complaining how hard she is finding to look after her 2 DCs. Child's father usually works at weekends. That woman was like that when she only had one child. I don't really know why she had another, if one Dc was 'hard'.
And, of course, my DH leaves all the care of a child to me.
I just had a talk with DH about it again, and he's gone downstairs in a huff, as, apparently, I am 'insensitive and selfish'! 🤬

Show quote history

Sounds like your DH and his nephew are of a similar, lazy ilk: childcare is for women in their minds.

If Nephew's wife is exhausted and struggling, WTF is nephew not stepping up more to giver her a break and take his own children out?

If your husband really feels he needs to help, then WTF is HE not the one stepping up rather than volunteering you?

GO out every single time he 'helps'.

GlitteryRainbow · 04/01/2024 18:06

When your DH agrees, go stay somewhere else and leave him to look after the child all weekend. See how keen he is for the child to come then.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 04/01/2024 18:10

howan · 03/01/2024 22:09

My DH wants to help, as the mother keeps complaining how hard she is finding to look after her 2 DCs. Child's father usually works at weekends. That woman was like that when she only had one child. I don't really know why she had another, if one Dc was 'hard'.
And, of course, my DH leaves all the care of a child to me.
I just had a talk with DH about it again, and he's gone downstairs in a huff, as, apparently, I am 'insensitive and selfish'! 🤬

Show quote history

I’d say ok it’s fine if YOU want to help, then make sure you leave him to it. Stand your ground. YANBU

TempyBrennan · 04/01/2024 18:11

howan · 03/01/2024 22:09

My DH wants to help, as the mother keeps complaining how hard she is finding to look after her 2 DCs. Child's father usually works at weekends. That woman was like that when she only had one child. I don't really know why she had another, if one Dc was 'hard'.
And, of course, my DH leaves all the care of a child to me.
I just had a talk with DH about it again, and he's gone downstairs in a huff, as, apparently, I am 'insensitive and selfish'! 🤬

Show quote history

I would be telling my DH that I didn’t have a third child so why am I currently raising one, an occasional sleepover is fine but multiple times a week when they have a (loving?) family of there own is too much.

Noodles1234 · 04/01/2024 18:14

Sounds like this Mum is struggling, I get that, but palming off her DC is not good for anyone long term.
I would not like that, realistically it’s making your life difficult and to have the CF to reply to you with emotional blackmail.

Is there someone in the family to have a chat with her and see how she can be supported in her own home?

Overall it’s a bit cheeky of her, I doubt she sees it though.

EMUKE · 04/01/2024 18:21

You have to put a stop to this as the longer you leave it the more often it will happen! Why do people take niceness for weakness? Completely agree age difference is too much and before long you will have both while they go out for the weekend to no doubt recharge their batteries… 0121 DO ONE!

Elvisfairy · 04/01/2024 18:23

Have you thought that maybe it's the child that's begging to come to yours, my son literally wears me down for play dates. Maybe he's feeling ignored as the parents are focused on the 1 yo. Maybe the mother is struggling a lot and the child is feeling it. Just putting another perspective on it.

Dontbeme · 04/01/2024 18:25

Elvisfairy · 04/01/2024 18:23

Have you thought that maybe it's the child that's begging to come to yours, my son literally wears me down for play dates. Maybe he's feeling ignored as the parents are focused on the 1 yo. Maybe the mother is struggling a lot and the child is feeling it. Just putting another perspective on it.

All of this may well be true, but why does OP have to sacrifice every weekend to childcare? The parents need to sort it out.

LaurieStrode · 04/01/2024 18:27

Elvisfairy · 04/01/2024 18:23

Have you thought that maybe it's the child that's begging to come to yours, my son literally wears me down for play dates. Maybe he's feeling ignored as the parents are focused on the 1 yo. Maybe the mother is struggling a lot and the child is feeling it. Just putting another perspective on it.

None of which is the OP's problem to solve. The child's parents need to deal with it.

StragglyTinsel · 04/01/2024 18:31

Elvisfairy · 04/01/2024 18:23

Have you thought that maybe it's the child that's begging to come to yours, my son literally wears me down for play dates. Maybe he's feeling ignored as the parents are focused on the 1 yo. Maybe the mother is struggling a lot and the child is feeling it. Just putting another perspective on it.

Why is this the OP’s problem?

DreamingofGinoclock · 04/01/2024 18:33

As much as you shouldn't be obliged to have child over...if he is a good well behaved kid is it worth making on more formal but less frequent.

So will have child once a month or even once every two months (e.g. every last Friday of the month), but strictly no more than that...if it starts to creep up to more times stop the arrangement entirely.

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