Do not want to look after someone's DC

[howan]

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

The nephew needs to step up and help HIS OWN wife and child

Does he then? Hey, my brother has 3 dc, I suggest you look after them every week from Monday to Tuesday. If you object, I’m clearly MUCH nicer than you because I’m happy for you to help my brother with his children, I think it’s a great idea and he’s struggling so really you owe it to him. You’re clearly not nice at all as you aren’t happy to help!
that’s what the dh is doing here- volunteering other peoples effort to be helpful instead of helping himself. Hes not nice, he’s a selfish twat with no respect for his wife.

Hmm that comment was to @Wanna17 . How about it wanna? 3 young dc, every week from Mon to Tues. I will be pissed off if you won’t put yourself out here.

Unbefuckinglievable!

The audacity of your husband to decide you will childmind his relative's six year old on demand and without complaint.
I don't know what to say except if it were me, that simply would not be happening. And I do mean that...people type big words on here about what they would do and it's often sheer bravado and fantasy. On this one I am being completely real. I would never agree to this. He'd be sent packing.

He is being totally unreasonable...the very epitome of 'selfish and insensitive'. He thinks you're a service at his and his bloody nephew's disposal. How very fucking rude indeed.

If your dh is so bothered about looking after this child maybe he should do it every weekend! Go out….plan other things or just chill in the house and let him do all the work. If he’s so adamant you help then he can do it. Fuck being called selfish. Typical man leaving all the care to you when he’s the one agreeing to it….thats selfish. How dare you not want to look after another child! Arsehole!!

And just at the stage where your own kids have become more independent and you can have some freedom back.

Good lord give me five minutes in a room with your dh. I'll tell him.

Stand your ground, OP. A six year old needs minding, so it must take up much of your weekend having them over! Poor kid, and poor you. I hope your DH sees sense and is a bit more appreciative of what you've done for his family to date.

I just had a talk with DH about it again, and he's gone downstairs in a huff, as, apparently, I am 'insensitive and selfish'! 🤬

Right, make it clear that if HE allows the child to stay, HE does all the running around, making up beds, preparing meals, entertaining him with playtime, trips to park etc, because you will be busy doing stuff with your DC. If he refuses, tell him he's being 'insensitive and selfish' towards HIS family!

Have you spelled out that it is YOU, not him, that is lumbered with all the work? If so, what does he think to that? If not, spell it out. But not before you've told him that as you are both adults, you require him to have an adult conversation about this rather than huffing off.

He KNOWS it is SHE not him that is lumbered with the work, assuming he isn't actually thick. He doesn't care...that's what women are for, they should WANT to do it.
Like a right arsehole.

So your DH agrees to looking after the child then leaves all the actual childcaring responsibilities to you? Sod that for a game of soldiers!

I'd be making excuses to go out every single evening he agrees to babysit this child from now on. If he wants them to stay, he has to do the hard graft.

While I agree the NIL is a CF for offloading their child so regularly, it's definitely more of a DH problem!

Show him this thread OP!

I'd let him book a sleepover then take the kids and go do your own sleepover at your mums..

Have you pointed out to your Dh that he is offering childcare but leaving you to do it, @howan ?Why does he think that’s reasonable? Ask

him what he’d do if you said he’d spend the weekend doing gardening or decorating at your family member’s house??

Your husband enjoys being the hero cool uncle who can help out and save the day whilst leaving you to do the actual work.
Maybe explain to your husband-that all the actual childcare gets left to you to. It's unfair on your own children who naturally don't have that much in common with a much younger kid and if he wants to offer sleepovers etc -he has to be the one to do look after the child.
Also maybe worth explaining to the nephew's wife that your kids are very fond of "cousin" but as older kids have other interests and it ends up being you taking care of him.
We really love him but honestly I am quite busy with all my own responsibilities...
Good luck

Well I think it's just awful, not only is op not happily accepting the role of Nanny to 6 yo at dhs behest, there's not the slightest inclination of her and the teens to offer to help out further, housework, shopping, laundry. A good faaaammily member would already be doing this, while also collecting the laundry to do while they pick up the 6yo. Tish tosh op #bekind 😆😆😆
Scary thing is, some posters clearly think the above!!

Good lord give me five minutes in a room with your dh. I'll tell him.

You could offer this as a service @pictoosh. There are many husbands who could do with a 5 minute talking to, you’d make a fortune.

Even more if you extend it to other family members and neighbours.

I might get flamed for this but I think men are often really straight forward....they say what they think and what they want. They take things at face value. Therefore if sil approaches the ops dh and says oh dd loves visiting you for a sleepover its so great the kids get on, cousin time blah blah blah. He will probably just accept this narrative. Women can read between the lines and decipher that she's a cf who wants free childcare.

I agree with the posters who say you should be volunteering DH for family tasks that he won’t particularly enjoy and will take up a whole day/evening - however long you have to look after his great nephew. Just tell him the day or so before that this is happening and if he argues - he’s obv selfish, insensitive etc.. he still probably won’t get the message but at least you can say he now feels how you have been feeling for a long time and how is it any different?

There really is no excuse for him not to be the one looking after the child if he’s volunteered, regardless of whether he’s volunteered you or himself. Has he tried to justify to you why he won’t?

Could you have a word with his nephew? Ask why this is happening and does he realise your DH is telling you you have to do this regardless of other commitments and plans you may have? Does he think it’s on? And how long does he foresee this going on for - til they’re 18??

Possibly the 6 yo's DM is blackmailing DH that she will tell OP who the father is if he doesn't keep taking the child. I would be getting DNA tests done. The child, and one of OP's children to see if they have the same father. Because this behaviour by a man IS NOT NATURAL.

And, of course, my DH leaves all the care of a child to me. I just had a talk with DH about it again, and he's gone downstairs in a huff, as, apparently, I am 'insensitive and selfish'!.

Right backatcha DH.

To all those speculating on the parentage of the child (because why else would OP's husband be so insistent these sleepovers happen?) - you've overlooked The Many Ways A Man Can Be A Prick. It is perfectly possible for OP's husband to be a prick without having cuckolded his same-age-as-me-nephew and sired a cuckoo in the nest.

This particular man strikes me as a show-off. The Big I Am. The white knight, riding to the rescue. Vain, posturing and preening. Barging in on his same-age-as-me-nephew's life and spouting 'I'll fix this for you!'. Basking in the praise and gratitude of his same-age-as-me-nephew whilst at the same time passing the actual work of 'fixing' onto OP.

He's just a selfish prick who has deluded himself that he is a good guy because he's supporting his same-age-as-me-nephew, so now he can stride about in his puffed-up self-importance as Solver Of Problems.

YANBU OP. your DH is being very disrespectful of you by volunteering your time to look after this child without checking with you that it's okay. Don't back down on this one. Your DH is the selfish one.

Spot the CF who thinks everyone owes her childcare.

In your shoes I’d let the 6yr old come, then I’d announce to DH that I plan to go out alone Saturday day time and have booked cinema for me and my kids Saturday evening. Then I’d leave him to care for the 6yr old.

Nah.