Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

You’re not taking advantage-he is. Abusive twat

Sorry, that posted too soon. It needs to cover everything so that you're not still left short. If it doesnt, then you need to sit down and talk with him.

He is no catch at all. Someone who isn't yet in love with him would see what an arsehole he's being to the mother of his children who is only earning less than him so she can look after his children!

I promise in the long run you and your DC will be better off without him.

I'm sorry, you're taking advantage of your husband by using his wages to house his children???

Have you tried asking him how it's taking advantage of him to utilise household income to pay for the household??

Having now read everything I agree with you. If this was one of my girls I'd be sending them off to a friendly rottweiler of a solicitor.
Why are some people like this in relationships? Or are those of us who do share everything the exception?

I think your paying plenty.

If he hates marriage so much maybe he should get divorced. You'll get half of everything, including the house, his pension and any saving.

It sounds like he wants to keep you skint so you are vulnerable.

He's calling you names. He's not really a partner. Maybe you need to consider an exit plan.

Their lives are already negatively impacted by having a prick for a father.

To answer your original question, pre kids we paid X% of our salaries into a joint pot and therefore had the same % of our salaries left to do what we wanted with e.g. DH £1000 with £500 in joint pot leaving £500 for himself. Me £2000 with £1000 in joint pot leaving £1000 for myself. Post kids we just have one joint account because almost everything is a joint expense.

Nonsense. You shouldn't be grateful for anything. You are adding just as much value to the household, but in a different way. Your DH should be grateful to you for raising his kids and organising his life.

For the last ten years I have earned about 10x what my DP earns, and currently earn about 4x, but that has never been an issue. We do not have a joint account, but I make a large transfer each month and we also have a joint Amex charge card which can be used for petrol, shopping and the kids clothes etc, which is paid off in full each month from my bank account. The bills are split between us. I ask to be told about any large expenditure going on the Amex so I am not surprised when it hits my account, but I don't veto anything.

Neither of us want a joint bank account as a point of principle, but in practice we still view our combined income as belonging to both of us.

@mumtoboys12, you are not using your DH as a cash cow. You are in a partnership. You should be equal partners.

No offence, but your DH needs a good talking to. He sounds a bit of a twat to be honest.

Oof I'm sorry that situation is unfair to you and his reaction to you discussing it just awful, you're meant to be a family. Two fair ways. Pooling is fairest, but if he's not keen, then you calculate that you earn e.g. 25 percent of the household money and therefore pay 25 percent of the joint bills (childcare is OBVIOUSLY joint. Also car, probably). Oh and when you're on maternity leave sacrificing earning to raise his babies it's outrageous to dip into your savings if he has cash to spare. Partner and I pool and I love it, we're looking after each other as a family, it's just money why on earth would I want more if it than someone else. Why would I want to be able to afford to buy or do things while the person I love can't do the same? Crazy. Your DH has forgotten that you are a family. I hope your name is on the house if he pays the mortgage.

We have a joint bank account. Marriage to us means promising to share our money (amongst other things!).

^this^ with bells on

@mumtoboys12

You need to realize that there is no solution to your financial division because he doesn't see you as an equal partner. He never will. Even if you should go back to work full time and earn as much as him, he'd still expect you to pay all for childcare, pay for incidentals, and do the lion's share of home 'duties'. And if you should suddenly 'out earn' him he would expect you to pay up more than he does. Do you see?

And you are not going to 'ruin' your children's lives. Where on Earth did you get that archaic notion? Honestly, why would your children's lives be ruined? Children's lives are 'ruined' by a parent's substance abuse, by being abused or seeing a parent abused, or by hearing the parents tearing each other apart. They are NOT 'ruined' by their parents living in separate homes and spending time with each of them separately.

You need to take a good look around you and realize that the children of divorced parents are doing fine. Divorce is not a 'stigma' and there's no such thing as a broken home. Well, actually your children are already living in a 'broken' home. A home where their father treats their mother like a burden, calls her vile names, and refuses to be an equal partner is already broken.

You need to think very hard. And then see a solicitor about what divorce would mean to you. I have a feeling you'd end up better off with your own wages + child maintenance.

Dh earns roughly double and pays for
All the household bills
My car
My petrol
Most meals / days out

I pay for all the food shopping
My insurances / phone
Sky tv
Child related expenses

We both have roughly the same amount of disposable income leftover so it works fine as I don't feel like I have to discuss what I spend my money on. Also means we still get to treat each other to surprises

Agree you are being financially abused.
all money into one pot, bills paid and then the rest is 50:50. You are married so half is yours. You would be better off separated and putting in a claim from CMS and taking 50% at least in divorce. He’s a wanker!!!! Stop doing all chores that benefit him. X

Arrange a suitable time for you both to sit down and have a proper conversation about this. Hear your husband out first about why he feels that he’s paying more than his fair share. Once he’s said everything he wants without you interrupting, tell him you’d like to say what your position is on this subject. Then point out:

• You took a break from paid work to raise the children you both share, on maternity leave, which was largely unpaid
• During this time you continued to pay for expenses without a proper income
• You earn less, but do the lion’s share of the cleaning
• You also do all (I’m assuming) the childcare admin, of arranging appointments, buying essentials for the children, ensuring childcare is in place, ensuring there is a schedule and everything else you can think of that he doesn’t have to get involved with
• In order to earn a similar salary, you would need to get a more career-focused job, with much longer hours
• This would require you both to pay for childcare while you both work
• You would both need to fund a cleaner, as you wouldn’t be in the house to do these tasks
• You would both need to split the project management/life admin chores

State these as facts, then ask him what his take is on this. Explain to him that he earns more money, but that doesn’t mean that he works more. He simply gets paid for ALL the work he does, while you don’t.

Go from there. If he dismisses your role as less valuable than this and fails to adequately justify why, I would start looking at better paid jobs/career options that get you on a more even pegging. I’d also calculate the unpaid work you do, then give him a list to either take on himself, or pay you to continue doing.

Fight fire with fire
Charge him minimum wage for X hours cleaning and housework .
Same for childcare. Same for cooking. Same for sex, obviously that's not minimum wage. Same for if you drive anywhere or you drive home after a night out etc. If you post his mum a birthday card, bill him.

Once he understands that he can't afford to pay you for all the work you do, he may understand what you bring to the table.

He thinks very little of your worth.

If he thinks that you are treating him like a cash cow he is treating you like a breeding sow and housemaid/skivvy/unpaid nanny

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this OP. Your husband sounds awful. Aside from the name calling (which is just awful and you deserve better), the thing that really struck me is that this guy has £1500 to himself every month yet spent nothing of it on his children. At Christmas. Except one game. So mean spirited and just horrible. I hope you can leave him.

Maybe he wants to protect himself financially, like so many people on MN?
Maybe get a better job for starters? 1600 sounds like Lidl shelf-stacker.

Joint account, funds go in, bills get paid, luxuries get bought, we talk about purchase,s, we plan spending. It was the same when I earned more it's the same now he learns more.b

noone would get away with calling me a cunt

ive told dh he says that hes out

youre not breaking up a family youre teaching your childrennoy to be abused by someone

For part time? 1600 after tax for part time work isnt bad. If OP is working 3 days a week, full time that would equate to almost 40k a year.

*don't quote me on the maths, I obviously don't have all of OPs actual info and I did it in my head.

@mumtoboys12 How old are your children? Is there any possibility for you to work full time and eventually increase your earning and progress to a role with a higher pay? Career progression for part time employment is usually lacking compared to full time role.

I always work full time and has always preferred to have a proportional bill contribution between my husband and me, before and after having our DD. When my salary was much lower than his, I would pay less bills and have less disposable income than him; just like you. However, our earning is more or less equal in the last few years.

I personally would rather have this set up as I want to have an equal standing as him. I could demand him doing 50-50 on housework and childcare as I can argue that we both work full time and earn similar amount. It does mean I have to juggle home and work life, and pursue a career. But I would rather do this than being in a relationship that is imbalanced in power. I also want to make sure that I can stand on my own feet if, for whatever reason, I need to support my self and my DD.

@Goodlard
This actually made me laugh out loud!
He’s the least controlling person I know. I make nearly all the decisions in our day to day lives. I can have whatever money I want. I buy and spend as I choose. I have access to all the money if I wish it. At the end of the day his hard work and high earnings enable a certain lifestyle for our family. I enable his ability to earn well. We work as a team.
I have zero concerns about the balance of power in our relationship. I feel you may be projecting.

He’s already paying 77%