Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

Because DH has the option of progressing to a higher level and earning what I do but it isn't something he wants to do at the moment. That's fine, it just means he won't have the same amount I do left over once bills are paid.

We both agree that it wouldn't be fair for me to pay more simply because he is happy at the level he's at right now.

@mumtoboys12

you say you don’t want to break up your family
but what family have you got - really
a man that resents looking after his family

Your son's will grow up thinking this is normal for Dad to have lots of spare cash and Mum struggling to pay for her car tax/insurance. Put a stop to it. Tell h it's not acceptable. Shoe him this thread. Very few woman on here would want such an abusive and vile husband.

He's an arsehole op! But I suspect you know that.

I find any family that doesn't pool their finances really strange. I know a few nursery mums who pay for all the childcare because that's "their job" (on top of the other job they have). What the fuck?!?! I nod and smile but inside, I'm screaming.

At worst, I consider this financial abuse. At best, he doesn't think of you all as one team.

He is a twat

Do you have children ?

You won’t ruin your children’s lives. They’ll still have two parents.

You may love him, but he sure as shit doesn’t sound like he loves you. He doesn’t sound like he thinks you’re a family at all, just people he has to pay for against his will, as if he had no choice in it.

he's told me I'm mugging him off, taking advantage of him, called me a bitch and a see you next Tuesday and said if he knew marriage was like he wouldn't have signed up for it.

This is honestly so shocking. So shocking. You’re in the thick of it and I expect you’ve got used to his horrible way of treating you and making you think it’s your fault. But if my husband talked to me like that it would be instantly over - I’d tell him to feel free to unsign himself immediately.

Oh, OP.

Modelling a relationship where their dad calls their mum a bitch and a cunt is going to cause much more harm to your children than splitting up would.

This is what we do but it works well because we both earn roughly equal amounts. OP earns considerably less as she does a lot of childcare for his DC.

1 at the moment. I'm pregnant with twins so will soon be 3.

I haven't read all the way to the end of the thread but I am horrified by his behaviour and your situation. How many children?

You need to look at putting your finances into one joint pot. Work out what you each need for monthly spends e.g. lunch, wee treats, buying presents for each other for Christmas/birthday etc. Everything else gets paid for from the joint account that all the income goes into.
If he won't entertain this and seems to think you're sponging off him, it feels as though he doesn't trust you and isn't fully committing to your family.
That said, I've only read to page 4 but he's calling you names and doesn't seem to be respectful of you as his wife. I'd be thinking very hard as to whether he's worthy of your love and trust.

This guy isn't doing a joint pot now or ever. OP needs to speak to a family lawyer. Unfortunately.

I am really interested in this idea of different proportions and getting different amounts of “personal/fun/left over” money.

Imagine a person chooses a job, like nursing, for example, and they marry someone in the private sector, who earns more money. Does the person, who earns more money, deserve a better financial life? Is the person earning more money, more worthy and is their job more deserving/harder?

What if, for any reason, one person can ONLY work part time, their lives should be harder, even if they have a partner?
I was seriously ill for a year (a coma and then recovery) I literally couldn’t work, so did my DH deserve more luxuries?

It’s not like you’re two housemates. Life, when it is this entangled, is almost impossible to divide fairly. Thinking of housework, childcare, effort put into life admin. How can a price be put on that?

Anyway, one “cunt” from my husband and that would be it. I would not let anyone else in my life call me that so why would I let my husband.

Trust me when I say, your children can hear him and they will feel the atmosphere and it will be affecting them way way more than a divorce.

Get away from him, love or no love.

I’m sorry to be harsh but why did you have kids with a selfish pig? You surely knew his ways and talked finances through before having TWO children with him?

he’s a pig for making you pay for anything when you earned 0 looking after his children.
you 100% should leave him but I doubt you will….

What would his attitude be if, heaven forbid, you became ill and could no longer work, needed treatment and he had to work and take care of you and everything else? Or if something happened to a child and you had to care for them 24/7? Would that mean you had no access to “his”’money at all and not have a penny to your name?

Hypothetical situations like that are why I couldn’t be with someone with your husbands attitude.

So thinks are the opposite way round in our house in that I earn 2x DH, we both get an agreed amount of ‘spending’ money per month - I do get slightly more but only because he recognised the my hair costs 10x his and I’m more likely to pick up bits for the kids etc so he has £800pm and I have £1000pm to reflect that

the rest all goes into the one pot.

We changed the split to have nearly equal money left at the end. Before that we were paying our percentage, but that left me with almost no money and no way to save. I work part time too.

I don't like having one pot, but you do need a joint account that all bills etc come out of. That might be an easier sell. And then be ruthless: every child expense should come out of joint money. That would at least mean your money left over was actually yours which would help a lot.

In your situation I wouldn't want only a joint account. Everyone needs their own emergency money.

This. If he's not willing to do the 75/25 contribution ration suggested by pp, I'd be seeing a solicitor.

Your kids lives aren't going to be ruined if their mother leaves a man who has contempt for her and treats her like shit.

Others are more knowledgable here about benefits and such, but why don't you check what you would be entitled to if you divorced, including how much maintenance he'd have to pay.

Is your name on the house deeds, and is there much equity? Pension situation? Savings?

DH earns double what I earn and he contributes more than me.

we’ve never worked our percentages but we both keep the same amount of “spends” that we can do as we wish with and everything else goes in the joint account.

it works well as we’re quite careful about sticking to our budget but we know that what we each have in our own accounts can be spent how we like without having to check for bills, food, if other person needs something etc.

I absolutely couldn’t live with either of us having a disproportionate amount of personal money to the other, whoever earns more. We are a family and a team and want each other to be happy and not struggling.

Don't see him still being with you this time next year. Sounds like he's getting ready to leave with all of 'his' money.

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

Do you really need us to answer this?

Was he like this before kids?

If he won't agree to all in one pot, he should at least put 3 times as much as you into the pot - so if you put in £600, then he puts in £1800. Would that cover all the household bills? It needs to c

How can you love a man who resents providing for his family and calls you horrible, disrespectful names? Your children will grow up watching their mother being disrespected and thinking that is normal family life. Your sons will likely verbally abuse their wives and your daughters will accept abuse from their husbands.

Stay if you wish, but don't kid yourself that you're doing it for your children, because you're not.

If he wants a wife and kids, he's going to have to accept that not everything can be split fairly down the middle. You're a married couple with kids, not roommates!