Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

We pay proportionately into a joint account to cover our joint family expenses and everything else stays in our personal accounts. I’m not at all a family pot sort as I like having my own money, but Dh earns probably twice as much as I do, so he pays for twice as much of the cost of our household expenses.

Another woman with more left over. That’s fine, but it’s pretty telling that the op’s husband is called abusive for doing that yet none of the women on this thread dojng exactybthe same are

Yet ANOTHER woman clinging onto an abusive piss poor excuse for a human being because no matter wtf he does she doesn't want to split up the "faaaamily".

🙄

Sorry to pick on you, lots of others have said the same

doubt ou also agree that the women who’ve posted on this thread saying they have more left over than their husbands are also abusive?

The poster you’ve quoted says after they had kids they stopped the proportional payments.

So she stopped abusing him when the kids came along then?

We have everything in one pool doesn’t matter who earns what. At one time I was in benefits and now I earn 3x my DH. Joint account for all bills etc

@Mikimoto thanks for that comment I can assure you I don't stack shelves in Lidl. I am an ex police officer who, since having children, now works with children with special needs. It isn't well paid as it's the public sector and I'm part time to look after my children. But Thankyou.

Thankyou to everyone else genuinely for giving me eye opening advice. I'm going for a long drive to think and am going to read through these when I stop somewhere!

It's not a family. In a family, people care about each other. No-one financially abuses anyone else. You'd be doing your kids a favour to get them away and show them what a strong woman looks like.

OP if you are ex-police you will have seen Domestic Abuse. You know your kids are better off not seeing it, right?

You’ve found yourself some place bad and dark, it happens. Now take action.

Good luck.

I would not stand for my dh talking to me as yours does. Absolutely disgusting.

I've been a sahm for almost 6 years. Everything goes in our joint family account and dh sees the money as mine just as much his. He works hard (nhs paramedic), comes home and does loads around the house and with the kids and treats me with kindness and as an equal. Your dh would horrify him.

I'm not trying to sound smug, just illustrate it's not normal and you don't need to settle for it. Do you want your kids to see the inequality in your relationship as normal? I'd LTB for their sake if anything.

My mother never left her bad partner and we are no longer in contact and never will be again.

Why is there even a question about who earns what? In a partnership it should all belong to both of you.

@mumtoboys12

The only comment you need is this from upthread

Your children watching their father abuse their mother will be what ruins their lives, not you divorcing him

Read this, and read it again and again. Your boys deserve better

Is it exactly the same?

OP works part time to look after her and DH's children. This means she has sacrificed some of her earning potential. She does more childcare, she does more around the house but is left with very little financially.

My DH works full time, the only reason why he doesn't earn as much as me is because he doesn't wish to progress more at this time. He doesn't do more childcare, he doesn't do more around the house and he isn't left with very little financially, he just isn't left with an equal amount to me.

I also don't call DH a cunt or any other awful names.

Your marriage has already died. (He's speaking to you like he does to justify himself and blame you, in his own mind.) You just haven't realised/accepted it yet. It sounds as though your husband has though.

It's not a big step from telling you he would never have got married if he had known the reality, to actually ending it. He sounds as though he's preparing you for the fact he'll be off soon (when he's got the next woman and a place to go, lined up) and of course it's your fault.

You need to be planning as a matter of urgency.

He thinks you're lucky to have him? I wonder what he thinks being unlucky would look like.

He's not a team player, OP.

He's being a dick. You should keep the same spends per month and everything else as shared money.

I am your DH in this situation (same multiple), we both put what money we can afford in various central pots. Joint account, savings etc and then keep same amount each for spends.

He’s taking the piss, not you.

@notmorezoom I don't see the OP as being financially abused. Proportional contribution is fine in my opinion. I was born in a country where a husband is expected to financially support his family and in exchange, he is the "head" of the family and has the final say in most things. So,I would rather do proportionate contribution any day if that means I can have equal power, voice and indepence.

However, calling the OP names are definitely not "on" and can be considered as verbally abusive. OP's husband should definitely apologise for this and LTB is justified if the OP's husband repeats this behaviour in the future.

She had to use her savings to pay for household expenses while on maternity leave, and you don't think she's being abused?

But, if you think the husband should have the final say on everything, you are yourself at high risk of abuse. In a civilized relationship, both members of the couple are equal.

They're not making proportional contributions.

The OP is paying a far higher proportion of her wages towards the household expenses than her husband is, and doing unpaid labour (childcare and housework) that her husband is benefiting from, and she self funded her own maternity leave.

I missed the maternity pay statement from OP. But then we didn't know the whole story I.e. if OP had this discussed with her husband beforehand or not.

I don't think a husband should have the final say. Hence why I didn't marry with someone from my own country. But I do think I need to pull my weight. If my husband works full time, then I do too. If I do chores, he needs to do the same things too. If he can have a career, I can do the same too.

Good for you op.

I'm sorry I was harsh upthread but I'll tell you why I wrote in that tone.

You are not the only women putting up with a miserable life in what you believe is the best for your kids. There's one every day on mumsnet.

Whilst you aren't the horrible one in the scenario, you are the only one who can change it. He won't leave, why would he. He won't give you more money, why would he.

I get so cross about it because for every woman who lets the abuse go, you have children watching and learning. Learning that men do what they like, and women accept it. And so the cycle continues. It continues for our daughters.

And that's why it makes me cross. You're not to blame, but you are the only one who can do anything about it.

Op is paying 62% of her take home
husband is paying 69%

If he pays the mortgage is your name on the deeds, someone local kept house in his name and he paid mortgage, unmarried partner paid the rest, they split the house was all his. Be careful, but at least you are married. One account all goes in there all comes out.