Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

If he doesn't want to put all money in one pot then the only fair way of doing it is to work out what all your joint household expenses are (childcare is definitely a joint expense, in case your twat of a husband doesn't realise that) and then you each contribute a proportion of your earnings to cover it.

The fairest way is for you both to have the same amount of spending money left over after all the family bills have been paid. The absolute bare minimum is that each person should pay the same percentage of their own income (but this will mean the lower earning partner has less personal spending money).

If you're paying a higher percentage of your monthly income towards family expenses than he is then he is the one ripping you off.

It's also fair for you to have equal free time. So if you are both working the same hours you do the same amount of housework and childcare. If one of you is working fewer hours then that person should do more, but by no means all, of the housework and childcare.

Basically sounds like he’s abusive financially, emotionally, and verbally. Sounds like you married an asshole. And the kids will see through the “happy family” bullshit by the time they’re 5 if they haven’t already. Seeing him abuse his wife will likely leave more emotional trauma than a divorce.

Abuse if a higher earning man makes the woman pay half. I presume you won’t be called that on here though

Proportional isn’t fair in a relationship with dc because chances are one of you is earning less because of caring responsibilities eg lots of women go part time after having dc, even being on mat leave impacts career and earning potential. Equal amounts of spending money is the only way of making things fair and reflecting the different ways of contributing to a family.

Give him what he wants then.

Leave the bastard, then go for your fair share of the house, savings and his pension.

Tell him if he insists on going 50:50 financially that's fine but you will be going 50:50 on everything else too. Draw up a list of chores and stick to it. Only do your own washing. Cook every second night only. Do not do any wife work for him. He will have no idea what you do. Good luck.

You're not moaning - please don't apologise.

What your husband is doing is abusive.

Did you know there's a law against coercive control? Control can be psychological, or physical, and also financial. He is abusing you financially.

this, anything else is ridiculous and unreasonable IMO

Why does he get a higher proportion of what is remaining than you? Why not split it in half?

What a bizarre set up. One pot surely

3 kids here. Everything has been going to the same account since we got married 19 years ago. If one of us needs to buy something big we just discuss it first otherwise we buy what we need within budget. Even when I was on mat leave (3 times) and little to no income everything was joint. I know some people like their own money too but I don't get the "who earns what" thing after you've had kids. Everyone does what they can for the family and everyone gets what they need within budget restraints. 🤷🏻‍♀️ if you have money left over and choose to split it then fine. I have to say though I'd be miffed if I had nothing to spend after bills and he did. Our bills are higher because his income is higher so we bought a more expensive house, why should I lose out when we could have stayed in the cheaper house?

Keep insisting. It took me a year and numerous arguments to convince my husband to get a joint account. I was in a similar situation using savings on maternity leave and we didn’t have a clear picture of what we were spending as a family.

Now DH agrees the joint account was the best idea. However, he never said I was taking financial advantage of him and he’s quite generous with his money. It’s just that his idea of sharing finances was to give me a credit card like I was a child.

I’d really question your husband’s views regarding family finances if he thinks providing for his children makes him a ‘cash cow’.

If my dh ever called me a c word, it would only be once.
What would you want to do if you weren't concerned about children etc?

Exactly.

How is this fair?

The higher earner should be paying a larger share, doesn't matter whether they are male or female.

When I married (really when we started living together, years before marriage) I stopped having my own money, and so did DH. We don’t have a joint account, but are constantly shifting money between our separate accounts when we need to. He pays the mortgage and most of the bills, I pay for the food. Since there’s a massive disparity, I pay him a big lump sum every month to even it out, so that he doesn’t end up with no money in his account! But it’s all open and we often use each other’s debit cards etc. It’s one big pot split between a couple of accounts.

It amazes me that people don’t discuss and agree finances before having children together. You are a family unit there shouldn’t be a divide about who’s paying for what. You’re a team and your goal is to create a happy home and life together. Money should be seen as a family thing not a he has his and you have yours.

He doesn't see you as family though, OP. He views your life together as an expense that he grudges.

The things he said to you would be unforgivable, for me.

Do you really want to hang around and see what he'll call you each month when the bills come out the bank?

Honestly these types of questions are ridiculous, and have a simple solution.
Either all the money is shared, or you leave him. End of

I was a stay at home mum until our youngest started school, then I worked part-time until they were in high school. All our money was ours, and we spent what we could afford either together or as individuals.

I just don’t get these arrangements where the mother of the children lives in relative poverty relative to the father (or vice versa). I’m sure it’s fine for successive marriages where shared young children aren’t involved but otherwise it just seems kind of a piss take. Being happy to mix DNA but not bank accounts!

Your children deserve better than to live under a roof where their father calls their mother a b!tch and a c*nt. What sort of example is it setting them when there is such an unequal power balance between you? I'm guessing this prince is a dick in other ways too? They will pick up on all of this, kids do - I'm sadly speaking from experience.

You will probably find you are better off financially without him and I'm sure he'd pretty quickly back pedal when he found out he'd be doing all his own housework & childcare.

If my DH spoke to me like that he'd be an xh. Sounds like you'd be better off without him and his blatant disrespect. What a terrible role model for your DC.

he sounds awful. I woudl be leaving someone that treated me like that

What a twat! I suggest you bill him for gestating, birthing and raising his kids.