Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

Op I'm sorry you have ended up with this tosspot.

To re assure you there are men out there who are decent and honest. I sorted the finances for me and my partner way before kids.

Even now my husband pays more towards the household bills but like you i pay for all the food, childcare and most presents. But we do discuss the outgoings and what needs to be bought as priority. My husband would never let me be short though or struggle, in fact before kids my husband cleared all my debts so I was on ground 0 when we bought a house.

I don't think it's wrong you saved for maternity leave, I did but I wanted to be of for a year and didn't think it fair my husband should Prop me up that entire time so worked out how much i had to save to ensure we weren't short or struggling.

One saving grace is that childcare isn't forever, and when they get to school although there are clubs etc it is much cheaper so you will be able to reallocate some money back into the house.

He may not want to but I do think you need to sit down with a spreadsheet and detail everything you both pay out as Standard, how much is needed for presents through the year and holidays. With any luck he may be able to see that you aren't taking the piss. And if you future plan like... when kids are in school look to increase hours etc he may see that you are trying to support the family more when you can.

If he doesn't you may need to move on, as his behaviour is abusive even if its coming from a place of frustration..

I understand sad

But now you need to get angry.

He's not just depriving you, his depriving his children.

I couldn't stay married to anyone who called me a cunt....

She needs to leave and divorce

Until then she buys food for her and her children

And she doesn't lift a finger for her husband

Not work out finances

Does no-one read the OP's posts?

She is being financially and emotionally abused

'Prop you up'?

While you're raising his child?

And presumably taking some of the household load off him whilst you're at home?

He doesnt earn more than you, he's paid more than you. He's paid more than you because you have sacrificed to look after children and he has not. He's a financially abusive jerk.

Do you really think someone like this will agree to anything that doesn't directly benefit him?

Why does ANYONE think there is any point in sitting down and talking to him?

He knows EXACTLY what he's doing and will not change

@mumtoboys12 don’t worry about being able to pay for a solicitor at this stage. You may be able to arrange to pay once a settlement is agreed. Some solicitors deal with financial abuse cases on a regular basis. You may be able to get a lawyer recommendation from a domestic abuse charity or Women’s Aid. I know it’s hard to hear this but your husband is emotionally, verbally and financially abusive.

Everything pooled. We're a team, not a restaurant bill to be split accordingly.

I went down your route, you are paying for the “caring” stuff, food/childcare, he won’t see the value of that, does he know your outgoings? How much this costs or is he just seeing the “provider” costs that he is paying and feeling hard done by?

my DH once threw this in my face too, felt hard done by/used etc as he was paying mortgage and car payments, I paid childcare and food, when itemised I actually paid more.

This won’t get better, I understand his reluctance of pooling all money but how about both paying into a joint account to cover childcare/food/bills (same amounts that you are now) and both keeping your own accounts?

No, it’s not fair. You say you pay for childcare - does he pay YOU the same when you provide childcare? Does he pay YOU for all the cleaning and chores that you do? Does he do anything to practically contribute to the upkeep of your family? Does he plan the family shopping and meals, organise DC’s activities? If no to any of these, then he isn’t contributing fairly…

Sounds to me like he wants family life but a single person's budget? His kids? His cash.

We earn similar amounts but put all money in one pot which pays for mortgage, bills, groceries, petrol on both cars, meals out between us two, anything for the kids etc.

We have a set amount left over for personal spending each month which is the same. This is for things like solo hobbies, our own clothes, beauty stuff for me etc, anything we want to buy for ourselves.

At points in our lives we have both earned significantly less than eachother, when I was on maternity he paid for everything but when I was full time I earned like £1500 more than him a month. So we figured what goes around comes around.

Don't understand people who are married with kids who think all their money is theirs, huge red flag.

Another way you can do it, is doing percentages of total income. You earn £1500 he earns 3k. Total income 4500. You earn 30% of total I come he 70% therefore that's your contributions for all family's costs, personal spending money leftover.

That’s not a fair argument, based on their current joint net salary there’s enough for them to pay for full time child care and for both to go to work full time. So it’s not true that OP cannot go out and earn more because of the kids. There are a lot of dual income households these days , it’s very stressful but it’s doable and lots of people do it.

he definitely should not be speaking to Op the way he is it’s verbal abuse. And he needs a good talking to. But him paying 2.3 k and her 1k each month doesn’t sound that and when you’re talking about 4.8k income vs 1.6k.. he is subsidising her financially still (and that’s ok as he earns more)

Omg!! I'm sorry but your married an arsehole. Marriage is about compromise and team work. Tell me, do you do the housework? The cooking? Washing and ironing of his clothes? If so, tell him your sick of him 'Mugging' you off and using you as his housekeeper/chef and maid and tell him going forward to do his own. I'd also be looking into how much his wage woukd be compromised by child maintenance payments and make arrangements to be leaving his ass. This is not a marriage OP, its him wanting to have life his way and not pay anything for you. Good luck

I'm sorry but what the hell does he spend 1.5k on a month? You have less disposable income left than him so what's his problem? Run!

I was in a similar situation he wasn't earning as much but he arranged for the child tax credit to be paid into his account. That money was for our children both have SEN. He was pissing most of it down the toilet.

He got working tax credit as well. So when I left and informed HMRC of this change he was earning too much as a single person to claim anything. The CTC was transferred to me and he accused me of getting his money. You say you love him but have you asked him if he loves you? He certainly doesn't respect you and sees the children as your responsibility.

For your sake you need to start paying into the mortgage.

Even if it is in joint names if the paper trail shows it is all him then this means you may be forced out of the house in the event of a split.

Seen it happen whereby there was 50:50 split and wife forced out. She should have got 70 or right to live there until children grown, but because she had never contributed to the mortgage it was 50:50.

Same situation he pays the bills and mortgage.. I pay for everything else phone contracts TV licence food shops for the month.. I even bought all the Christmas gifts this year . He was so grateful about it. If he ever said I was using him like a cash cow I'd be livid. Not acceptable at all and I wouldn't have.

This. I never understood the whole “your money/my money” concept. You’re one family. Also never understood how one partner could think it’s morally acceptable to have loads of disposable cash for hobbies and fun, while the other has none.

You leaving to provide a better environment won't be ruining your children's lives and please don't stay with this ass just for your kids. What will ruin there lives will be seeing their father degrade their mother on a daily basis. You are being emotionally, verbally and financially abused. The kids seeing this will run them, not having their parents living together trying to play happy families

Don't do anything for him don't cook his meals, clean up after him or do his washing. He's a twat.

You’re married - why do you need separate accounts?
Just have a current account and a savings account and then you both just spend or save what you want.

In a true partnership, your DH wouldn’t be being an arse about ‘his’ money.
You’d be sharing everything.

I don’t work at all and I stay home to look after our autistic son and my DH earns a very good salary. He never says what I can and cannot buy. He doesn’t give me ‘housekeeping’. I just do a food shop online weekly. Same for anything we need for the house or whatever.

We share everything - isn’t that what a marriage is?

But you *do" want to put the money in one pot. So why is his wish more important?
I'd price up his likely maintenance contribution were you to split and request that as a monthly allowance for you & the kids, and stop cooking & cleaning for him.