Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

Why don’t you share money? DH knows I earned the same as him until we had kids and I moved to 3 days a week, 9-5.

He earns more now and all money is shared including bonuses / share options. He sees it all as family money.

If anything well paid husbands take advantage of wives who sacrifice career and future earnings by taking maternity leave / part time work, and not working overtime.

I wouldn’t have had kids without sharing money. Just no fair way to divide money otherwise once a woman has agreed for her career to be on the “motherhood track”.

My husband puts double the amount I do into the joint account as he earns more on account of the fact I took a career hit to raise the kids. That's just how it works. You can't be expected to contribute the same amount when not earning the same.

He's not a cash cow, he's a cunt.

Check what benefits and child maintenance you would be entitled to if you split up. You may be better off financially.
And I hope you are married.

Your husband sounds completely unreasonable.

If you didn’t have children then I am guessing you would work full time and therefore personally have more disposable income? But you don’t because you look after HIS (your) children/house and I’m sure you take on much more of a mental load that he doesn’t see.

Why should you both be working equally as hard (in or out of the home) yet one partner should be able to have/do less of those ‘nice to haves’ than the other. Does he work 50% harder than you?! NO! If you are married then you should be a team and he just sounds selfish!

I am a SAHM and gave up a good job 10 years ago to raise my kids. My husband earns enough for us to be comfortable but it’s ‘our’ money. He would never question my spending (I don’t take the piss, nor does he) because he knows how hard I work and is grateful that me looking after everything else allows him to do the job he does. If I go back to work part time (which I’m thinking about doing) it’s my choice and our money will all go into one account.

I think the way he has spoken to you just shows you how little respect he has. What a great role model he is!

Madness. I earn about 10k less than my partner (partly because I work part-time due to childcare) and he works out the exact percentages so that he puts in that amount more than me into the joint account. He does this because I realised (from reading on here) that he had a lot more disposable income than me, and that wasn't fair.

All household costs (mortgage, utilities, childcare costs, food, petrol etc) come out of the joint account. I get the child benefit into mine.

Next time he calls himself a cash cow, sarcastically say, that's funny, I've always seen you as more of a walking ATM.

Similar setup in my household. Everything in 1 pot and in 30 years there has never ever been a discussion of mine and yours. Actually the difference is more like 4 or 5 x.

Does he not understand you guys are a family? Families pool resources & work together for everyone’s benefit.

Sorry but he sounds a massive p*k. The “cash cow” comment I find concerning.

The key thing here is disposable income. He can presumably buy himself all manner of things and build up savings, you can't. Agree on an amount for discretionary spending a month, the rest is shared.

All money goes into the same pot. There is no "his" and "mine", we're supposed to be a team. The fact you were at home taking maternity leave for HIS child and having to pay out of your savings is disgusting.

What a number he's done on you. It's not nosy to know what your HUSBAND is earning!

He SHOULD be paying for most of the bills, when he is the main earner. How would he react if you said you're going back to work full time, and therefore will require a cleaner and more childcare, and that as they're HIS CHILDREN he needs to be paying equally into this cost? Bet he won't see it like this.

He is financially and emotionally abusing you. Of course he didn't think marriage was like this - who could possibly think that marriage and children means sharing the load between you and the other adult in your life?

He is a bastard and you should divorce him. I'd divorce him for the cunt comment alone. How fucking dare he.

Was he the primary parent and in charge of the house hold. The provision that OP CANNOT go out and earn more because of the kids!. Why can't you understand that?!

You pay everything into a joint account, pay all bills, stuff for house, children, food out of there. Small "allowance" into personal accounts for your personal stuff eg clothes, shopping, hobbies, seeing friends.

And to answer your question - both mine and my husband's salaries go into a shared account and all bills are paid out of it. Until this time last year, I was the sole earner. We don't tend to spend a lot on ourselves, but if we want or need to, it comes out of the joint account. Savings go into a joint pot, and as we're deep into renovations we discuss the spends out of that.

Never in my life have I tried to control how much my husband spent from the joint account, and I was the sole earner for a decade.

Saddens me to read this. I had a similar situation but am now divorced. I am better off now because courts made him pay maintenance based on his salary which is approx 4x mine. When married we split bills 50/50 - I paid childcare on top and had no disposable income at all & had no idea how much he earned. His salary rose quickly over a few years and he didn’t disclose it. We had no joint accounts. I didn’t realise that most normal couples don’t do that. He’s the one taking advantage.

I'm more inclined to say, "What a prick among men". 😉

OP--you need to go FT and then make your NVDH do his part of childcare, school p/ups, wash, cleaning, home childcare......
Or he can pay you to do those jobs, though he might need a second job to pay for all you do.

(And I'm out-earning him by about 3x)

Dh earns 3x what I do, we pay in portionally and both add to savings so we have the same casual spending left
Dh often does overtime but those go into the fun fund or shared back between us

We split everything on a percentage basis as to what we bring into the household (and have done since we moved in together, pre marriage and pre kids).
We have a joint account which we put our percentage share into - this covers all joint expenses (worked out on a budget plus a bit extra in case) including cars and childcare but not fuel. Phones are an individual expense too.
Ours split it about 1/3 me, 2/3 my husband. We then get whatever is left of out salary to ourselves. I think it is important to have my own money to do with as I please and not have to justify it through the joint account. Yes he gets more £ than me but actually we get the same % of our salary to ourselves.
It works really well for us. I work reduced hours (30 a week) but look after the kids more obviously. But he puts more into the household but works more. Maternity leave worked differently - I saved what I could (including savings through the joint account). We then worked out what I could afford to contribute and he picked up the short fall. I was off looking after our child though so in our eyes it was fair.

He definitely shouldn’t be saying you treat him like a cash cow, that’s rude. Hope he sees the light and apologises!
But I do think your costs split isn’t too unfair - he’s paying more than double what you do every month.

OP, as others have pointed out you have been subjected to financial and emotional abuse. How can you be married, which supposedly provides stability and security for the woman, if you have no money at the end of the month? To be called such horrid names and be treated like that is simply cruel.
My mum left my dad when me and my siblings were kids and despite the divorce my life was not ruined, in fact as a woman I feel that the experience taught me not to accept any crap from men and I am forever grateful for it.
My husband earns about 4 times what I do, our earnings go into our joint account to cover mortgage, bills, food, clothes, holidays etc. We have two children - I didn't "charge" him for the years of giving up my career to have the children and to stay at home with him, but totally expected his financial support.
I cannot believe that Christmas presents came out of your personal account!
Anyway, my advice if you decide to leave is not to make rash decisions and to plan ahead. Maybe confide in a trusted friend/family member? I don't think your DH sounds very reasonable, but maybe you could meet with him in a neutral place to discuss what you would like to happen - lay it out for him in numbers and chores/tasks that need doing. On your days off when you look after the children it's not free childcare. Ultimately you pay for it out of your lost earnings and career prospects.
Good luck!!!

Tbh, I think in your situation a break down like this would make sense:
Mortgage & essential bills- DH
Extras & food shopping- Yours
Savings- what's left from both of you in a joint account.

As his income is more, and I'd assume more stable given that if the kids are off ill, you are most likely to be the one off work with them so his income should be seen as the more reliable one for tge fixed costs each month.

It isn't fair, but is it really unfixable?

I'd also, honestly double check where you'd stand if you left. You don't want to leave yourself financially vulnerable.
Have a look on entitledto and the CMS calculator before you do anything

OP that sounds terrible. My husband earns 20 times what I do, I work from home part time and fully manage the house/kids/animals etc (we have a small holding) His wages go into the joint account with exception of his sizeable pension contributions. My wages go into our savings account, he tops up our individual accounts (ISA’s premium bonds etc). We work everything that comes in money wise as to what is going to give the best financial return long term - whose name on the account is irrelevant. At the end of the day you are a team (or should be), my husband tells me regularly that my contribution to the family is in many ways greater than his, I work as hard and as long hours as he does. If you were to divorce everything would be split equally anyway, in fact given your circumstances it’s quite probable that you would walk away with a greater share as the courts do look at future earnings when there are children involved. He sounds like an absolute dick and to call you such horrible names is unforgivable. I personally don’t understand why married couples keep seperate finances, but then I am quite old fashioned marriage is for life and surely that life should be lived on an equal standard or living.

I would never put all money in one pot - that way lies resentment for the higher earner.

We have one account for bills. The bills are proportioned according to earnings. If we earned the same, we'd each pay 50% of the bills. If he earned twice as much as me, he'd pay twice as much for the bills and vice versa.

Everything else is our own. If there’s a disparity of money due to something like maternity leave, then he'd take a higher proportion.

Even though our money is our own, we obviously share and work things out together because we are a team, but why should the higher earner (either way) have to hand over their money when the lower earner could also go out and earn more? Obviously being part time to look after children is ‘compensated' by the higher earner, so that equality is maintained.