Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

Our money is our money. Our baby is our baby. Our home is our home. We created a union when we decided to be together. We don’t necessarily have one pot but we use each others money where needed, no questions asked.

There have been times I’ve supported him a little more to pursue his career when we first got serious, but as of current I’m SAH on maternity about to have our baby. I didn’t cope in pregnancy so went down to very minimal hours from around 20 weeks (once or twice a week) and went on full maternity at 30 weeks which I needed. I don’t get much at all on maternity but currently all main bills all go out of his account and I sort little bits I can like food shops, car insurance, small bills etc. If I need any extra he is happy to send me extra from his account. I definitely spend more than him as I have to keep myself sane (meeting with family for coffee etc) and purchasing baby and PP bits. I’m carrying his baby and will be looking after said child as a SAHM for the foreseeable future. (I also hope to home school so hopefully a lot longer.)

I am so sorry you’re going through this OP it seems like he is using finance as a control tactic. It’s very normal to have one pot. Maybe he is spending money where he shouldn’t and doesn’t want you to find out?

This thread is so depressing. I see we have an influx of apologists in the last lot of posts.
I frankly can't be arsed to respond to them all but to the poster above, not everyone wants to put their kids in full time childcare when they're young whilst running themselves ragged.
This is usually a decision taken as a couple and benefits the working parent as much as the children and part time parent.Why should one person therefore be expected to be worse off for potentially the rest of their life when factoring in pensions and career prospects. Plus not everyone works in careers where they can earn £££
What about nurses, teachers, shop assistants. Do they need to stay at home whilst a high earning partner goes on a lavish holiday? It's not what partnership is about.
I'd hate to be married to some of the people on this thread.

My DH pays all. I am stay at home and we have 3 dc and a dog. But when I worked I paid for childcare.

Some people do a percentage of earnings....as the higher earner should contribute more. I don't think its fair for you to spend the same as your dh bc you do not earn as much...and also he is your dh, father of dc etc so why does he count pennies?

You are probably doing more damage to your kids staying with a man who calls you a bitch and a c u next Tuesday!

We do the same.

This does seem a bit unfair. I earn £900 a month, my partner earns over £2000 a month. I only put £200 per month into our joint account for bills and he puts £250 per week into there, so he covers most of the bills. I will usually cover most birthday presents etc, I put more money into the groceries account, and I put money towards our youngest (still in nappies & lot of sensory issues surrounding food so can be expensive) & I tend to do clothes shops mainly for youngest (oldest isn't mine, so partner tends to pay more towards her clothes but I do pick her up bits and pieces here and there). But in the house, while I will pick up more of the household chores and childcare, partner helps out A LOT. If I'm working and he is off he will hoover, do washing, clean kitchen etc (I don't let him touch bathrooms, that's my absolute fave job) and he would never dream of saying I'm taking advantage. I enjoy taking care of my family but my partner is appreciative of it too.

He is an asshole. You work just as he does. Telling you, and making you believe you taking advantage of him is gaslighting, he manipulates you to make you feel bad about yourself. Your husband is a total asshole. I'm really sorry! You deserve better!!!

Maybe this should not be about who pays what based on earnings but instead should be about what you each have left over to have a little enjoyment once everything is paid? If one is getting lots of luxuries whilst the other can’t afford to do anything nice then that’s a little worrying in my opinion.

As per @Nightowl1234 who says "This. I never understood the whole “your money/my money” concept. You’re one family. Also never understood how one partner could think it’s morally acceptable to have loads of disposable cash for hobbies and fun, while the other has none." I also find this very hard to understand. We share all our finances. He earns substantially more than I do, if our finances were split, we wouldn't be able to do all the things that we do do. I know another married couple who keep everything separate. When we have conversations like "have you booked a holiday this year" the reply is often along the lines of "no, we can't agree on how much to spend on it" I mean, honestly, what is the point of this?! How is this beneficial to them as a couple?!! So they often end up with no holiday at all! Bizarre!

Unfortunately I think the structure of the finances is just one problem the OP has to deal with, he sounds like a terrible partner and frankly, she should get out of this toxic relationship ASAP.

What an absolute twat and not fit to be a father or husband. Sit him down and tell him if his attitude doesn't change you will be filing for divorce and 50% of what he earns. Good luck x

OP you’re an ex-police officer- I know this is probably difficult to accept but you’re in a financially abusive relationship with you as the victim. And him speaking to you like that confirms domestic abuse -verbally as well. This isn’t a good model for relationships for your children.

I'm so sorry but you shouldn't be living like this. The way he speaks to you is disgusting.

Please seek some advice and honestly get out of your marriage.

And for context my partner earns more than me. We have joint pot each take a 100 a month for our own nest egg and the rest is split between, mortgage, bills, childcare, food and petrol, car savings and anything left over goes into a holiday and or treat pot

OP, this is more than money. He clearly resents you. Imagine bringing ip car insurance?! I left work to care for our kids as I was asking barely anything when childcare came off. I have a little income from a home job but it's enough to cover bits, not entire bills etc. My husband pays nearly everything, has never complained and sees all the money as '
household' Money. Not his and hers! He couldn't care less if I used his card to buy something either. I'm just realising how lucky I have it reading your replies and feel so angry for you! My ex was like this and when we broke up he fought me with lawyers for 2 years, he wanted to break me and he eventually took everything, the house etc because my lawyer advised that he would continue this forever as it wasn't about the money. Its control with men like that.

He’s gaslighting you. Get out you’ll be much better off. He is not a good husband that anyone would be happy to have, he’d be out of my house in a second if he was my husband.

Me and my husband pay an equal amount into a joint account which covers 95% of our outgoings. I’m the slightly higher earner so I tend to cover the children’s clothing and days out as an extra from my wage so we have around equal left each month for personal spending (I possibly have slightly more leftover). My husband has never moaned about it and often asks if he needs to put more in the joint account usually around the children’s birthdays/christmas/etc.

Same as most we share our income.
How many children because separately if you have 3 he would have to give you 19% of his income.
What are you supposed to do? Go and demand more wage? We cant all earn loads but in a relationship surely you share dont you? I do all the laundry, some cooking, probs most house work and my husband earns probs 2.5 to 3x what I do but also shares household stuff. We have 11 grandkids amd I mostly see to them when they are here but he dips in. Isnt that how a relationship should be? He sounds like a dick tbh. Hope he doesnt lose his job and have to rely on you! 🙄

Why? DH and I have completely separate finances. I would feel guilty about spending out of a joint account. I might resent DH buying something I consider frivolous. I find it bizarre in this day and age that people use joint accounts unless one person doesn’t work

Wow! I thought marriage was a partnership. I'm married, when we 1st got together I earned more than him, he is now earning 3x my wage because I took time out to raise our kids, but wages both go in same account and whatever is left is ours. Not his, not mine, ours! We have never argued about money!! He needs to reassess what a partnership means to him

I find it bizarre in this day and age that people use joint accounts unless one person doesn’t work
Why? We have joint accounts for everything, ever since we got married. We've never had any arguments about money. We consult each other on large purchases, but neither of us has ever tried to stop the other buying anything as far as I remember. My husband encourages me to spend on myself if we can afford it, and I do the same for him.

My dynamic is very similar to this, in terms of financial split and outgoings. It was very stressful while children were small and in nursery.
I would advise paying your share of expenditure into the joint account - £1k/ month or so - so he can actually see the contribution your making. If he's not seeing it he probably isn't appreciating it. This happened with me and would have been such a simple thing to change earlier (I have changed it since but my kids are at school now - he never saw those brutal nursery fees coming out each month!!). Now he puts £2.5K into a joint account and I put £1k, its obviously less but there's a visible contribution to the pot.
I would concentrate on increasing your own earning power once the kids are at school. I think sometimes us women get ourselves in a bit of a sticky spot where we want equality but we don't really want the stress that comes with trying to earn more. I earn a bit more now, and its very liberating (3rd sector so never going to be great!) It is a lot more stressful though, and men earning more do absorb that stress, which doesn't excuse shitty behaviour but does explain some of it. It also gives you the strength that you have options if the marriage doesn't improve.
I would also advise standing your ground very clearly when it comes to being spoken to like that. Going to bed and crying won't win you respect or equality, even though its what you feel like doing. Don't make his dinner. Ask him to leave for a couple of days so you can both have space to consider what's just happened. Go stay with someone else for a couple of days. Whatever works best for you; but in principle, assert yourself and your boundaries and command some respect. Its completely unacceptable to speak to someone like that.
Good luck!!!!!!

@mumtoboys12 - on the basis of the way your husband speaks to you, I'd be considering getting shot of him and letting his family support costs be dictated by a court order. He sounds awful.

AHEM - looking after the home and an autistic child IS work. What you mean to say is you are not in paid employment.

Exactly this.

Over the years DH and I have alternated being the higher earner. All income goes into a joint account and only the larger purchases are discussed.
It's been this way since we bought our house (before marriage and kids) and it works well for us.
I know several couples who have separate accounts and it always seems to cause issues.

I agree. House and child costs are split equally (proportionately). Anything to do with the house and children after that falls to the higher earner or another proportionate split.

But my money is my own and his is his. If I want to buy something flippant using my money, I can - I wouldn’t want to use his. I’m saving up to get a piece of furniture made. With his money, I could afford it now, but it’s me that wants it, not him, so I will save up a little longer for it.

When I was part time, we worked things out together so that I did not lose out for looking after our children.

Teamwork doesn’t always mean pooling ALL money. I have been both the higher and lower earner.

Same old MN his money is your money too. Except when it's the woman with the money then the man is a scrounger or worse. You won't be any better off as a single parent. His money that he earns is his. If he doesnt choose to share it that isn 't illegal. You have £600 a month spending money which is a reasonable amount by anybody's standards.

I don't think the OP is alone in this. I'm astonished at the amount of women I hear on mat leave saying they can't wait to get back to work for some more money. All while the partner is pulling in a full time wage, contributing the bare minimum to household costs and doing nothing to help his partner financially. If that's the "benefit" of having separate accounts, then I'm definitely out!