Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

I'm sure it's been said before but we have a very similar situation where my DH earns twice as much as me.

We get paid our salaries into our own accounts then we transfer everything into the joint account other than EXACTLY the same amount of spending money each. This means that I transfer much less into the joint account than him but that we both end up with the same personal spending money each. All of our bills and expenses come out of the joint account.

He sounds deeply unpleasant. You are a team. You both contribute to the family in different ways. You also probably have less earning potential than him due to maternity leaves and childcare responsibilities. He wouldn't be able to do the job he does without you picking up the slack at home. It's time to have some very frank conversations with him.

Assume married as you say dh? In which case legally it’s all in one pot already if you were to split os to speak, it’s all joint assets. I simply don’t understand men like this, his kids need to be looked after, and presumably mum does most of the hard slog too! He wants his cake and eat it…. Joint pot wages go in, alll bills etc come out, food expenses etc. both remove an amount a month to another account for personal expenses/treats etc.

I can guarantee the only way he might have less than you think left over each month is because he’s spending it on something for just him. You will not be ruining your children’s lives to leave this nasty selfish fucker. You will be giving them the gift of a role model and a peaceful loving primary home environment.

Surely part of the point of family is to make things financially easier pooling 2 incomes. If you were to split I think he would have a shock and soon realise he would have been better off just to treat to financially better!!

If your perplexed it's because you've chosen to ignore every single bit of context which makes each case different from the next.

Obviously unfair, he’s a selfish controlling and greedy wanker. I couldn’t spend years being married and treated as a second class citizen by someone who was supposed to love me.

So I'm left with £600
He's left with around 1.5k

I'm on the other side of the fence here. There is so much we don't know about your circumstances - it's very personal and obviously we are only hearing your side of the facts. When it comes to other big bills who pays - major repairs on the house - family holidays? If it's him then I actually think the above split isn't too bad especially when you work part time.

For context I earnt 3x my ex husband and had a similar split of spending money at the end of it. But i paid for the DIY, Holidays etc

This is because I worked hard for my career and worked my ass off ....and he didn't. If he wanted more personal money then he should have and could have gone out and bettered himself but he chose not to. And I wasn't going to pick up the tab for his lack of ambition and work ethic. Harsh? Probably to those that are used to the "traditional" set up of men earning more.

He shouldn't be speaking to you the way he has though and for that he's an arsehole. But taking that out of the equation the split of finances IMO i don't see an issue with but it's a personal thing of what you are prepared to accept in a relationship

Not harsh it just sounds like you had zero respect for your husband and didn't treat him as an equal partner and had a skewed view of value contribution. I'm not surprised you're divorced.

Your children are being taught what a dysfunctional relationship looks like.

You need to divorce for their sake and yours.

He will soon learn what it takes when it's 50/50 and you'll be able to work longer hours to secure your financial future as I doubt this prince has given a thought to your pension etc

@usererror99 RTFT. Previous posters have explained why the setup you describe is not the same as that of the OP & vast majority of women in this situation. Your husband hasn't taken maternity leave, dropped to part time & taken on childcare/housework. The context is completely different unless you have omitted this information from your post.

Putting all the money stuff aside, the most saddening thing in your posts was him having behaved like this, you going out, coming home to be ignored & then clearing up his things like you're his personal maid.

I think that part speaks volumes. If a friend came to you with this situation, what would you advise her? I think, deep down, you know.

You're not protecting your kids by staying in a relationship like this, you're (he!) is destroying any hope of them knowing what a healthy relationship is & that this is how women should be treated.

You must feel horrific, I'm so sorry.

Agree if you leave him you'll have more money

Good idea

Financial abuse happens when one partner has little or nothing left...

I think also when you feel can't ask your partner to help out.
In the OPs case, his 'making' her put extra in to cover extra expenditure when he has more left over and doesn't seem to be also putting in extra suggests financial abuse too.

@mumtoboys12 how are you today? I’ve been feeling so sorry for you. You sound defeated and broken in your posts. I’m so sorry your husband is treating you like this.

It's not his and your money, it's our money. We earn this much together, we spend this much together and if he needs a reminder, WE split this much together with the help of a divorce lawyer.

Therein lies the issue!!! It’s all one pot if you’re married. Absolute bullshit he is spewing

Surely all the money goes in together bills snd saving pots filled and large purchases agreed? Sounds like a spoilt child.

What is his reason for “not liking the idea of it”? So he can squander the rest of his money on what he wants, but you can’t as you have none lefr? Narcissist it screams!

My husband earns everything and I earn nothing except the carers allowance for our eldest child. Everything anyone gets is used to pay everything needed and rest is used by whoever. We don't fuss over who is using what as we are married and we live together, with our kids. I play football and go out with them after a match and he doesn't really go out anymore but I wouldn't say taking advantage just because he's bringing more to the table. Joint household bills, joint bills for kids etc. As long as you're not taking the mick going out drinking every night then I don't see the problem. When my hubby lost his job way back in 08/09 with recession we were having to live on my wage and I didn't moan then either. He would go out once a week to play pool wasn't alot and we could just manage it so he went.

You share a household and children - so you share the cost
He is BVU

my dh earns a lot more than I do. We both put around 80% of our earnings into a central pot and then mortgage, bills, anything related to the kids/car, food etc all comes out of there. What’s left goes to savings.
we keep a small amount each for personal stuff (clothes, socialising)

Someone would only call me those names once. Honestly this man is in the same house as your children? I was going to say bringing up your children but he clearly isn't. I'd want out, quickly.

I'd say it depends what bills he is paying. If he's paying for you to have a £200 gym membership every month and a makeup subscription and being left with nothing to spend on himself - then the answer is yes you're taking advantage. Is your left when more personal spending money a month then he is then yes you're taking advantage. If he's left with spending money that is an equal proportion to his wage as you're left with then no you aren't.
But honestly only you and he know the answer.
A bunch of strangers on the internet who don't know your finances inside out won't be able to answer your question.

Money should be clubbed together because you’re married and a family. End of.

And he's told me I'm mugging him off, taking advantage of him, called me a bitch and a see you next Tuesday and said if he knew marriage was like he wouldn't have signed up for it.

regardless of the financial situation this alone suggests that you need to start making plans to leave. He sounds horrid, I’m sorry. I get that financially it’s very hard however is it fair that your children grow up in an environment like this?